The climb out of hell

So, I know I should have posted yesterday. A) its a great way to get the word out to all of you, and B) its a great way to purge. But, I gotta tell you, I just couldn't yesterday. I was filled with so many mixed emotions. There just weren't any words that would come. So, as the evening wore on, we tuned in mindless TV and I had a glass of wine. And quietly the evening ticked a way.

Here's a recap of Saturday and today. Yesterday started out cautiously optimistic but optimistic nonetheless. Roger felt bad Friday, but felt less bad than what we recall from Round 2 of chemo. We were also equipped with the knowledge that his oncologist was trying a different approach by giving Roger an additional dose of IV-delivered anti-nausea drugs Friday....Good signs right?

Along comes Saturday. I woke up with great optimism and big plans for a busy day. After double and triple checking with Roger "how are you feeling? Feeling ok?" and receiving the response "yes, I'm feeling ok. Not great but not horrible. While you are out, would you stop and get me some breakfast on the way home?" So, armed with this encouraging news I head out to the Farmers Market and then the polar opposite....MCDONALDS for the breakfast of champions. I stop by the house to drop off the goods and the not-so-good-for-you breakfast. Roger was downstairs sitting on the sofa. Once I was sure he was ok, I then headed back out to go to the bank and then the grocery. Half way thru the grocery, I call Roger to ask if he would like a specific cookie. With a pained voice he answered the phone. He was starting to turn for the worse....stomach in knots, cramping, extreme nausea, vomiting, pain and just over all discomfort. When I got home, I found him balled up on the sofa. So, I set about collecting the anti-nausea drugs we have and Ativan. After he took the drugs... about an hour later, his system settled down and he fell asleep. He slept through most of the afternoon (magic Ativan at work) and then drifted in and out the balance of the evening. I quietly spent the balance of the afternoon making a dinner to take over to my brother's house (his father-in-law passed away on Friday).



(Roger and Yoda in the pictures)

It breaks your heart to watch Roger go through this. His ability to communicate clearly diminishes...he just feels too crappy to communicate beyond mumbling. So, the balance of the day and evening gets very quiet...except for me trying to encourage him to at least drink some fluids and maybe eat some cracker...there isn't much said. All the while I silent scold myself for actually thinking we would escape the clutches of chemo. Honestly, I knew better. And knowing better , I would never have waited so long to encourage him to take the as-needed medicines. Oh well. Lesson learned. No relaxing and no false optimism with chemo. Period.


That was yesterday. Today, we had an appointment scheduled for fluids. On the weekends, we have to go into the hospital because the infusion center is closed. So, at 10:00 a.m. we packed up our stuff (me with computer, files, and books in tow) and headed to the hospital. After a bag of saline and 1/2 a bag of sugared saline, we finally got back home at 3:30 this afternoon. Based on the level of communication alone, I would say he feels a little better. Hard to say if its a function of the fluids, or the fact we are 2 days out of chemo, or a combination of all the above. Anyway, I'll take it.


He expressed interest in food on the way home from the hospital this afternoon (another good sign). Care to guess where? Nope, not Kentucky Fried Chicken, nope not McDonalds...the choice? The ever nutritious Taco Bell. *Sigh*......its food. Its calories. Its not health food....but its food that can help put weight back on (he has yoyo'd down again, back down to 142 lbs). So I go with the flow and pull into yet another drive-thru!

That's it for now. And, guess what? Chemo still sucks.


hugs, Angie and Roger