As you can imagine, we do a lot of thinking on this end. Thinking about little stupid stuff: what to buy at the grocery, will it be stinking hot today, will anything good be on tv tonight. Thinking about big big stuff like living with cancer and ALL the thoughts tortured, sad, difficult, academic, etc that come with it.
In this post tonight, I want to ask you to reflect on the day you just had, the previous day, or for that matter the past week you've had. Stop for a moment and think about all the plans you made for the coming day, for the coming week, or the coming fall. Think of all those plans, from something as simple as what patio furniture should you buy, to where should you go for vacation, to what your next job will be, to when and what you will do when you retire. Now, think of those persons or person part of that decision. That person you consult and say "hey, do you think we should buy this? or do you think we should do that? or what do you think?" Then, as many of you have already jumped to this next part of the decision tree, then, think of going through this process with your person who has been weighed down with the impossible weight of cancer - any cancer - let alone terminal cancer. WHAT do you do with these stupid stupid questions? I honestly don't know.
We - Roger and I - try to live in the moment. In the here and now, but it is truly impossible to not have questions, thoughts, etc which deal with the future. And again, I ask you HOW do you do that? Until recently, I'd like to think we.... I ... have been relatively good at the here and now and have avoided those ridiculous thoughts, plans, etc. relative to the future. That is NOT to say we abandon hope for the future. You can't give up hope. Ever. Never. But the here and now is tangible and grasp-able. Roger tried to engage me in a conversation about the future and what it meant for me - in this case work related - and I simply could * not * do * it *. I can speak before thousands of people. I can do all the girl-jobs and boy-jobs in the house. I can deal with spiders (HATE IT AND WILL SCREAM WHEN I DO IT). I can dig deep and find some sort of nurturing, caregiver, maternal-type of instinct in me (it aint natural). I can get over my absolute queasiness to blood. And, I can slay sooooo many monsters and demons which threaten my husband and me. But I simply cannot, cannot talk about the future. Just can't.
I will never stop thinking of this journey with cancer as reality being suspended. Looming above our heads like a razor sharp sword. Waiting to drop. Ohgoodgod, I sound soooooooooo dramatic. blah blah blah. Not the intention. I'm sure you hear some sort of dramatic, cheesy movie music playing in your heads as you wait for the "CRASH BOOM" moment. No crash-boom moment. Just a whole bunch of emotions and thoughts floating around in the air.
We're headed to an orthopedic doctor tomorrow to figure out whats going on with Roger's foot. Sounds like a possible broken bone in his foot. Most probably due to the "treatment" for cancer. All these crazy, barbaric cancer "treatments" have potential ancillary side effects to the human body. Brittle bones is one of many for Roger. Crazy stuff. All in the pursuit of getting better....getting well....
Any whooooooo. Sorry for all the blah blah blah. We promised ourselves (Roger made me promise him) we would always be honest in our blog. Part of the honesty is sharing some of this blah blah blah stuff.
Gotta go. We have Roger hooked up to hydration fluids tonight. He is almost done. So, gotta disconnect the fluids and flush his lines and then usher him off to bed. A favorite moment moment for me is snuggling up behind him and wrapping my arms around him as he falls deep asleep. ~ a
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
I am normally such a chatty person. Never usually at much of a loss for words. The past several days have simply left me without words. That's not to say I am or was speechless, just missing the words to blog. I guess the weight of reality has been riding heavy on our shoulders.
Roger has been riding the roller coaster we know as his health or well being. There have been a few days when he felt like his swallowing was improved from the procedure last Tuesday. Today and yesterday he has been complaining that swallowing is getting difficult again. His voice is still stronger than it was prior to the procedure. However, if you are not facing Roger when he is talking, i.e. he is walking away, you won't be able to hear him. Several times today I've had to say "hey, if you're talking to me, please turn this direction or don't walk away". The ear nose throat doctor said it would be two weeks before we knew the true results of the procedure. So neither of us are jumping to conclusions for another week. We meet with the ENT doctor on the 28th. So, time will tell. Quality of life. Quality of life.
Today, we met with Roger's oncologist Dr. Birhirray. It was his "regular" 6 week appointment. More of a touching base. We reported Roger has been experiencing more headaches over the last couple weeks. The doctor said he would schedule another MRI before the next appointment 6 weeks from now. We also reported Roger thinks he may have broken a bone in his foot. A week or so ago he had a misstep walking down a step outside. Immediately he had pain. So, I think he will have another doctor's appt with an orthopedic doctor. Hoping to get a boot to stabilize his foot. Poor guy. First the cancer, then his gallbladder, then his voice/paralyzed vocal cord, and now his lame wing. All and all I have to say he has keep his spirits relatively even keel. Don't get me wrong, he isn't singing ZippideeDooDa but he also isn't holed up under the bed rolled up in a ball.
Home health care nurse came today. She accessed Roger's port for us. We will leave him accessed all week and I will infuse him with hydration every other day for three treatments and then I will pull the needle. The plan is to have the nurse come once a week to access his port and then we infuse fluids at home.
Roger has been snoozing most of the afternoon. We find we both get twisty with nerves and anxiousness prior to these various doctors' appointments. You see we no sooner get done with one doctor's appointment and then relax when another doctor's appointment is just around the corner or worse yet another big test like an MRI. We know the drill and also know our short tempers or lack of conversation are merely a manifestation of those nerves.
Fathers day was good. My parents came over early evening. Roger decided hotdogs (really??? hotdogs??) sounded good. So, we "treated" my dad to a deluxe dinner of hotdogs roasted over our fire pit. Yep....it was 92 degrees outside and Roger decided it would be good to roast the dogs over the fire. My dad was so thrilled Roger thought something sounded good to eat that Dad thought it sounded good...HOTDOGS???? So we had grilled hotdogs, Italian sausage, chili sauce and cheese for the dogs. Deeeeeelux. We're gonna win an award for best father's day ever. :-) Actually I think we all had a perfectly delightful father's day even if we were eating miscellaneous pig and cow parts.
While on the food theme, Roger's appetite as of late (not really an appetite but what he is willing to try to eat)....Steak n Shake breakfast sandwiches, Dairy Queen hotdogs, Dairy Queen icecream, Applebee's Riblets, my neighbor across the street's chicken noodles, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. If you can't tell...there is NO predicting what will sound good one day to the next. I always have to laugh when someone asks," what food can I bring over for Roger?" I really can never answer the question because it varies by the day by the hour.
Roger expressed interest in going down to my parents' river house going forward. I didn't know whether or not he would be interested in going in light of the boat being sold but I think he finds it peaceful and a change of pace. So, we are planning on going down as much as we possibly can.
Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say hi and give you an update. I've been busy trying to put away or identify items to donate which we have pulled off the boat. All of the linens and clothing need to be washed because they were stored on a diesel boat which leaves a strong scent of diesel. Not particularly attractive. Literally, I've been doing laundry for DAYS. And, as I've mentioned before....I ain't no domestic goddess....so this is sheer TORTURE.
Take care of yourselves. xxooxx, a & r
Roger has been riding the roller coaster we know as his health or well being. There have been a few days when he felt like his swallowing was improved from the procedure last Tuesday. Today and yesterday he has been complaining that swallowing is getting difficult again. His voice is still stronger than it was prior to the procedure. However, if you are not facing Roger when he is talking, i.e. he is walking away, you won't be able to hear him. Several times today I've had to say "hey, if you're talking to me, please turn this direction or don't walk away". The ear nose throat doctor said it would be two weeks before we knew the true results of the procedure. So neither of us are jumping to conclusions for another week. We meet with the ENT doctor on the 28th. So, time will tell. Quality of life. Quality of life.
Today, we met with Roger's oncologist Dr. Birhirray. It was his "regular" 6 week appointment. More of a touching base. We reported Roger has been experiencing more headaches over the last couple weeks. The doctor said he would schedule another MRI before the next appointment 6 weeks from now. We also reported Roger thinks he may have broken a bone in his foot. A week or so ago he had a misstep walking down a step outside. Immediately he had pain. So, I think he will have another doctor's appt with an orthopedic doctor. Hoping to get a boot to stabilize his foot. Poor guy. First the cancer, then his gallbladder, then his voice/paralyzed vocal cord, and now his lame wing. All and all I have to say he has keep his spirits relatively even keel. Don't get me wrong, he isn't singing ZippideeDooDa but he also isn't holed up under the bed rolled up in a ball.
Home health care nurse came today. She accessed Roger's port for us. We will leave him accessed all week and I will infuse him with hydration every other day for three treatments and then I will pull the needle. The plan is to have the nurse come once a week to access his port and then we infuse fluids at home.
Roger has been snoozing most of the afternoon. We find we both get twisty with nerves and anxiousness prior to these various doctors' appointments. You see we no sooner get done with one doctor's appointment and then relax when another doctor's appointment is just around the corner or worse yet another big test like an MRI. We know the drill and also know our short tempers or lack of conversation are merely a manifestation of those nerves.
Fathers day was good. My parents came over early evening. Roger decided hotdogs (really??? hotdogs??) sounded good. So, we "treated" my dad to a deluxe dinner of hotdogs roasted over our fire pit. Yep....it was 92 degrees outside and Roger decided it would be good to roast the dogs over the fire. My dad was so thrilled Roger thought something sounded good to eat that Dad thought it sounded good...HOTDOGS???? So we had grilled hotdogs, Italian sausage, chili sauce and cheese for the dogs. Deeeeeelux. We're gonna win an award for best father's day ever. :-) Actually I think we all had a perfectly delightful father's day even if we were eating miscellaneous pig and cow parts.
While on the food theme, Roger's appetite as of late (not really an appetite but what he is willing to try to eat)....Steak n Shake breakfast sandwiches, Dairy Queen hotdogs, Dairy Queen icecream, Applebee's Riblets, my neighbor across the street's chicken noodles, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. If you can't tell...there is NO predicting what will sound good one day to the next. I always have to laugh when someone asks," what food can I bring over for Roger?" I really can never answer the question because it varies by the day by the hour.
Roger expressed interest in going down to my parents' river house going forward. I didn't know whether or not he would be interested in going in light of the boat being sold but I think he finds it peaceful and a change of pace. So, we are planning on going down as much as we possibly can.
Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say hi and give you an update. I've been busy trying to put away or identify items to donate which we have pulled off the boat. All of the linens and clothing need to be washed because they were stored on a diesel boat which leaves a strong scent of diesel. Not particularly attractive. Literally, I've been doing laundry for DAYS. And, as I've mentioned before....I ain't no domestic goddess....so this is sheer TORTURE.
Take care of yourselves. xxooxx, a & r
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Today, we finished a chapter. We sold our boat. I don't mean to sound so melodramatic. I mean, really, its just a boat. But the boat represented a lot of memories and also represents yet another thing Roger isn't able to do any more due to his failing health. And, it simply makes us both heartsick. We did the sea trial with the buyer and his friend (turns out to be co-buyer). Had a few last minute discussions regarding price but collected the balance of the original amount negotiated. Roger's friend and business partner Russ was with us. He brought a friend with him as well. So after we finalized the deal, the buyers left us to have a little quiet time on the boat. Russ, his fr
iend Dick and I had a beer. Roger sipped his water. And then, we collected our remaining items, closed up the boat and made our way down the dock. Roger and I both had tears trickle down. I know. HOW silly...its just "stuff"...but for us, again it represented the close of another chapter.
iend Dick and I had a beer. Roger sipped his water. And then, we collected our remaining items, closed up the boat and made our way down the dock. Roger and I both had tears trickle down. I know. HOW silly...its just "stuff"...but for us, again it represented the close of another chapter. Tonight has proven out to be an emotional evening. I think we both have felt a pretty strong under tow of emotions and stress. Roger piercing pain in his head this evening which emotionally just proved to be too much. As I crawled onto his lap and held onto him, I explained that maybe, just maybe the past couple days of feeling bad might be due to the stress of the vocal cord procedure and then the stress of selling the boat. He reflected for a minute, took a deep breath and said, "you're probably right. Just a lot to deal with". He's been napping on and off most of the afternoon/evening.
All and all relative to how he was doing before the procedure yesterday, Roger seems to be doing well. Swallowing is still good. Today he has been speaking a little and sounds much better than he has in weeks!! I've noticed improvement from this morning compared to this evening. Am hoping each day brings more improvement. I joke with him that I'll be happy to have his voice back so that he can make his own calls and appts and I can stop being his secretary...truth is, I just love the sound of his voice...even if he's driving me crazy with one of his Roger-isms.
Anyway, that's what I've got for you tonight. Headed back to Indy early tomorrow morning. I have a client meeting so I need to be back. We both are looking forward to not having to go anywhere once we get home for a while.
Sending hugs your way. Enjoy each chapter of your respective book and don't try to rush to the next chapter. Savor each one. love, a & r
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Never enough time. Never enough energy
I haven't had the words to post. Just overwhelmed with life. Trying to get all our ducks in a row to sell the boat, get ready for Roger's procedure, get signed up for home delivery of hydration supplies to infuse Roger at home, schedule and reschedule Roger's doctors appts, AND act as Roger's voice for calls, etc as well as handle my own. Whew. Pooped.
I simply don't have the steam to do a full post tonight (sorry sorry, I am long overdue).
Most important thing: Roger's outpatient procedure appears to have gone well today. The actual procedure took maybe 15 minutes. We got home and Roger snoozed for most of the afternoon. Late this afternoon he wrote a note for me to update how he felt. He's NOT supposed to talk today and is supposed to talk on a very very limited basis tomorrow and then slowly ramp up his speaking. So, if you're calling for Roger...you're probably gonna get me. Anyway, he said in his note he noticed a positive difference in his ability to drink. YEA!!! A very good thing. He has been choking when he swallows water and any liquid. So this is a very good thing.
I hate to say this but I really gotta go. Meeting with the boat buyer tomorrow to close the deal and trying to do work work as well. ....just not enough hours in the day.
more soon. Apologies for typos and wrong words and poorly formed sentences. My brain will ....may....eventually return. hugs to all. a & r
I simply don't have the steam to do a full post tonight (sorry sorry, I am long overdue).
Most important thing: Roger's outpatient procedure appears to have gone well today. The actual procedure took maybe 15 minutes. We got home and Roger snoozed for most of the afternoon. Late this afternoon he wrote a note for me to update how he felt. He's NOT supposed to talk today and is supposed to talk on a very very limited basis tomorrow and then slowly ramp up his speaking. So, if you're calling for Roger...you're probably gonna get me. Anyway, he said in his note he noticed a positive difference in his ability to drink. YEA!!! A very good thing. He has been choking when he swallows water and any liquid. So this is a very good thing.
I hate to say this but I really gotta go. Meeting with the boat buyer tomorrow to close the deal and trying to do work work as well. ....just not enough hours in the day.
more soon. Apologies for typos and wrong words and poorly formed sentences. My brain will ....may....eventually return. hugs to all. a & r
Friday, June 8, 2012
The days seem to be blending together lately. Same different, different same. And there just doesn't seem to be enough energy physical or brain energy.
Roger is moving slowly these days. He tends to sleep or at least stay in bed dozing until 9:30 - 10:00. That's a magic time to get up, you see because McDonalds only serves breakfast (yep, nastyass McGriddles) until 10:30 on the weekdays. So....if you're gonna want one of those, you gotta get your skinny butt out of bed. Me putting a McGriddle in the oven on warm is simply ggggrrrrooossss. Yesterday, Roger was still in bed at 10:00 so I went upstairs and crawled back into bed and asked him, "so Rip Van Winkle, are you gonna get up today? " The response...nothing initially (this is typical)...so I repeated the question. The response "why, whats the point? " My response, "because if you want McGriddle for breakfast you have a limited window of opportunity and you know those nasty things are NOT good warmed over. And you'll get sheet wrinkles imprinted on your skinny butt if you don't get up soon. " I could see the wheels slowly turn and he slowly got up.
Yesterday was busy with scheduling appointments, moving appointments, working with the boat buyer, etc. Everything has suddenly (maybe not so suddenly) gotten very complicated. Lots of calls to doctors' office. A big bummer about Roger having no voice is my list of calls to make and return doubles. He can't be heard on the phone. So yesterday included calls to EarNoseThroat doctor's office several times, calls to oncologist's office to get presecription for home infused fluids, and then to reschedule an appt with Dr. Birhirray. I now not only make and receive my own calls and I am also Roger's voice so I make and receive calls for him. Hell, I have a hard enough time keeping myself organized and connected....now its time two.
Found out our insurance company will not cover home infusion of fluids. Soooooo, we have to go to the oncology center to get Roger infused. Its a bummer. We don't mind going because we are friends with a lot of the nurses but we don't like to go because 1) more chances of germs....best way to get sick is to go to the hopsital or the doctor's office, 2) its not as convenient as being at home, and 3) its just way more comfy to be home....NOT to mention its much much cheaper for the insurance company for us to infuse at home. I don't pretend to understand insurance companies and really don't now. Save money? not save money? Oh well. We're trying another work around through the nurses in the oncology center to see if we can still try to infuse at home. Will see.
We went to a retirement party for our brother-in-law Alan. Here is a picture from this evening. Pictures include Roger's aunts Jacki, Dottie and Barb and Uncle Dave, Sister Denise, and cousins Tina and Susie. Family is a wonderful thing for laughter and love. It was great to see everyone though Roger pooped out pretty quickly . He is snoozing on the sofa across from me. 
We are headed south again this weekend. The boat buyer wants the boat on Wednesday so we have to get all of our belongings off the boat this weekend. Neither of us are big on making the trip but we know we need to. I'll be heading back on Wednesday most likely without Roger to complete the deal with the buyer, go along for the sea trial and try to answer any questions...hopefully they will only ask "where are the towels" beyond that....well, I'm not the fountain of knowledge with the boat. Roger will probably be recovering from the outpatient procedure he is scheduled to have on Tuesday which we hope will help with his voice, improve his ability to swallow and improve his ability to breath. All things very challenged for Roger over the last 3 weeks.
Well, gotta go. More to post but I'm just too worn out. Love and hugs to all, a & r
Monday, June 4, 2012
The old girl is gone
I just told Roger I was posting to the blog. He asked what I was going to post about today. I told him the boat. He came up with the subject above, "the old girl is gone". And no, he's NOT talking about me. We met with the potential buyer of our boat today. This was this guy's third time to the boat, second time on it. He brought with him a friend. Roger, Mel (the buyer) and I sat on the back deck of the boat while his friend walked around the boat. Checked all the bedrooms, bathrooms, motor rooms, etc.
Mel told us he has been looking at our boat and another Hatteras in Tennessee somewhere. As we chatted away, he finally said he didn't want to insult us but was prepared to make an offer. I acted as Roger's voice. Mel was having a hard time hearing Roger's faint whisper of a voice. Mel made his offer, we countered and we all finally arrived at a number happy to all. Roger and Mel shook hands and then I stuck out my hand to shake Mel's hand and instead was scooped into his arms for a bear hug. I asked Roger if this was some special "boat" sale ritual. He informed me "no, he was going for a free feel". Nice. I would have pushed the price higher had I known a squeeze was going to be part of the deal. I mean REALLY.
We will take our possessions off the boat over the next 1-2 weeks. Then will do the infamous "sea trial" and then...hand over the keys.
And just like that we'll say good bye to a symbol of our former carefree life. Again we know, its just material "stuff" and really who cares about "stuff". We still have all the memories of all the fun. All the memories of friends and family. And, we still have each other. THAT'S all that truly matters.
So, the old girl will be gone soon. She is figuratively "gone" at this point. Its a sad happy day and a happy sad day. I think I've been more melancholy than Roger for the majority of the day. This evening was the first time he expressed a little emotion. I imagine the closer we get to handing over the keys, the more emotional it will be. I will say Roger has had a huge sense of relief. His shoulders seemed to come down from around his ears a little.
Physically, Roger is feeling same ol same ol. Exhausted, tired. Unpredictable pain after eating. The newest thing, is he thinks he might have pulled something in his foot or maybe has a stress line fracture from tripping on a step. He didn't fall, just stumbled a little. I've been icing it down and we've wrapped it. No bruising or real swelling so my guess is a strained muscle. This guy was invincible until cancer attacked him and robbed him of his health and his confidence. As he hobbled around and finally sat down to rub his foot, he quietly muttered, "it sucks to die". I quietly muttered back, "I know. Living sucks a lot too". Now, mind you we aren't all depressed all the time and nor are we all woe is us. We've settled in as much as you can settle in and look for a laughter whenever we possibly can and are still (as I mentioned in the prior post) ....we are still squeezing out ever drop of life we can. Just sometimes you gotta say this stuff SUCKS.
Along the lines of squeezing out every drop of life possible, we have seen loads of friends over the last week or so. Couples have dropped by to say hello, maybe share a glass of wine, or break bread and generally just chatted it up with us. Its nice to have the silence around the house broken with chatter and laughter. Roger agreed. Even though his participation was limited to laughter, shaking of his head, or often me being his microphone it was still nice to be engaged. This weekend will be more of the same. Roger has a lot of family coming to town. We look forward to visiting with them. I'm thinking about buying a Mr. Microphone or a kid's karaoke machine....then Roger's voice should be amplified enough to maybe talk on his own. Of course there will be NO singing. He can't sing (nor can I). No point in damaging any one's eardrums!
That's the scoop as we know it. Our (Roger's ) list of things To-Do gets one more item crossed off it. If nothing else, there is a sense of accomplishment with checking something off the list.
xxooxx, a & r
Mel told us he has been looking at our boat and another Hatteras in Tennessee somewhere. As we chatted away, he finally said he didn't want to insult us but was prepared to make an offer. I acted as Roger's voice. Mel was having a hard time hearing Roger's faint whisper of a voice. Mel made his offer, we countered and we all finally arrived at a number happy to all. Roger and Mel shook hands and then I stuck out my hand to shake Mel's hand and instead was scooped into his arms for a bear hug. I asked Roger if this was some special "boat" sale ritual. He informed me "no, he was going for a free feel". Nice. I would have pushed the price higher had I known a squeeze was going to be part of the deal. I mean REALLY.
We will take our possessions off the boat over the next 1-2 weeks. Then will do the infamous "sea trial" and then...hand over the keys.
And just like that we'll say good bye to a symbol of our former carefree life. Again we know, its just material "stuff" and really who cares about "stuff". We still have all the memories of all the fun. All the memories of friends and family. And, we still have each other. THAT'S all that truly matters.
So, the old girl will be gone soon. She is figuratively "gone" at this point. Its a sad happy day and a happy sad day. I think I've been more melancholy than Roger for the majority of the day. This evening was the first time he expressed a little emotion. I imagine the closer we get to handing over the keys, the more emotional it will be. I will say Roger has had a huge sense of relief. His shoulders seemed to come down from around his ears a little.
Physically, Roger is feeling same ol same ol. Exhausted, tired. Unpredictable pain after eating. The newest thing, is he thinks he might have pulled something in his foot or maybe has a stress line fracture from tripping on a step. He didn't fall, just stumbled a little. I've been icing it down and we've wrapped it. No bruising or real swelling so my guess is a strained muscle. This guy was invincible until cancer attacked him and robbed him of his health and his confidence. As he hobbled around and finally sat down to rub his foot, he quietly muttered, "it sucks to die". I quietly muttered back, "I know. Living sucks a lot too". Now, mind you we aren't all depressed all the time and nor are we all woe is us. We've settled in as much as you can settle in and look for a laughter whenever we possibly can and are still (as I mentioned in the prior post) ....we are still squeezing out ever drop of life we can. Just sometimes you gotta say this stuff SUCKS.
Along the lines of squeezing out every drop of life possible, we have seen loads of friends over the last week or so. Couples have dropped by to say hello, maybe share a glass of wine, or break bread and generally just chatted it up with us. Its nice to have the silence around the house broken with chatter and laughter. Roger agreed. Even though his participation was limited to laughter, shaking of his head, or often me being his microphone it was still nice to be engaged. This weekend will be more of the same. Roger has a lot of family coming to town. We look forward to visiting with them. I'm thinking about buying a Mr. Microphone or a kid's karaoke machine....then Roger's voice should be amplified enough to maybe talk on his own. Of course there will be NO singing. He can't sing (nor can I). No point in damaging any one's eardrums!
That's the scoop as we know it. Our (Roger's ) list of things To-Do gets one more item crossed off it. If nothing else, there is a sense of accomplishment with checking something off the list.
xxooxx, a & r
Friday, June 1, 2012
First, lets start with the visit to the doctor's office. We are getting good at doctors. We went to the Ear Nose Throat doctor's office and took with us a large Ziploc bag with all of Roger's prescriptions (they all want to know what medication you are on) . Yet another doctor. We arrived on time. Had to fill out form after form after form. 30 minutes later we were ushered to an exam room to wait for Dr. Youkilis (apparently related to the infamous baseball player Youkilis....I'm out of the sports world, so I have no idea).
The doctor came in an performed a series of tests on Roger again the purpose to determine if possible what was/is going on with Roger's voice loss. As the doctor started examining Roger, peering in various holes and orifices of Roger's . No worries. No Xrated stuff. Remember he is an ENT doctor. Anyway, as he was poking and prodding, he looked into Roger's ears whereupon the doctor announced, "hmmmm, you have a lot of wax build up. Do you mind if I remove it?" Ok, ok. That should be no big deal, right? I've been with Roger through thick and thin, blood and all kinds of stomach-turning moments (and remember, I'm NOT Florence Nightengale. No nurse on this end). Well, um, no. I'm not big on ear wax. You see, one mindless-tv-day we were watching Mythbusters and they were testing some DISGUSTING myth about making a candle with earwax. GGGGGGRRRROOOSSSSSS. And even grosser....we watched the damn program. Anyway, I will spare you all the scarring of the program. Suffice to say, it was gross and now I am grossed out by earwax. So, as the doctor scooped out little scoop after little scoop of earwax, I sat across from Roger seriously disgusted and saw a tiny little smile on his face. He later shared with me he knew how disgusted I was because he remembered how much the tv program grossed me out. Nice, huh?
So, the doctor's visit. He examined Roger and determined Roger's hearing loss is because his left vocal cord is paralyzed. The doctor theorized it was due to the tumors in Roger's chest. Cancer strikes again. Really? It hasn't done enough? It has to go after his ability to communicate? Really? Not that Roger was all that chatty lately, but to take away his voice entirely? Exceptionally cruel and inhumane. After making the prognosis, the doctor said he did have a procedure he thought might help. Basically, outpatient. Roger would be knocked out for 25-30 min. The doctor would go down Roger's throat and would insert a fluid type implant into Roger's left vocal cord which would firm up the vocal cord and allow the right vocal cord to reverberate and thus create sound. The doctor also identified the fact Roger has been having increasing difficulty swallowing liquids (which is true). Apparently the vocal cord paralysis interferes with the swallowing process.
We decided to get on the doctor's calendar for June 12 to have the procedure. All of us, Roger, the doctor, and me, agreed the quality of life - however long that life - should include the ability to communicate. I've missed hearing Roger's voice. Every night I tell him good night and that I love him. I have to lean in real close wrapping my arm around him to hear him whisper, "I love you too". Once the doctor left the exam room, as I sat across from Roger I looked at him, took a deep breath and said, "You and your poor body have been through so much. We'll do whatever you want". There are risks, but in the whole scheme of things. Roger wants his voice back and I support him 100%. And, I want his voice back. And so, we are on the doctor's calendar for June 12. It will most likely take a few days but the doctor thought we should hear a noticeable difference in Roger's voice.
As you most likely can tell, or maybe you can't. Roger is fragile and getting more so. His blood pressure has been very low. We think dehydration may contribute to the low blood pressure, so we decided to do fluids here at home. Got his port accessed a couple days ago. We've done fluids for the past three days. His blood pressure *has* gone up. So, it appears the fluids are helping. We just finished tonight's dose. He is trying to eat more but sleeps a bunch so I've been prodding every chance I get.
Meeting with the prospective buyer of our boat on Monday. Basically have decided we are going to make a deal, whatever the deal. Roger does not want me to have to deal with the sale of the boat on my own. I don't want Roger to worry about anything, so....we are going to sell the boat. Plus, Roger has expressed he just does not think he can handle the boat anymore. Simple. Done. Lets sell it. On to the next thing.
Obviously lots going on. Trying to find peace. Trying to squeeze out every drop of life we possibly can.
Sending big hugs your way. Hope all is groovy with you. xxooxx, a & r
The doctor came in an performed a series of tests on Roger again the purpose to determine if possible what was/is going on with Roger's voice loss. As the doctor started examining Roger, peering in various holes and orifices of Roger's . No worries. No Xrated stuff. Remember he is an ENT doctor. Anyway, as he was poking and prodding, he looked into Roger's ears whereupon the doctor announced, "hmmmm, you have a lot of wax build up. Do you mind if I remove it?" Ok, ok. That should be no big deal, right? I've been with Roger through thick and thin, blood and all kinds of stomach-turning moments (and remember, I'm NOT Florence Nightengale. No nurse on this end). Well, um, no. I'm not big on ear wax. You see, one mindless-tv-day we were watching Mythbusters and they were testing some DISGUSTING myth about making a candle with earwax. GGGGGGRRRROOOSSSSSS. And even grosser....we watched the damn program. Anyway, I will spare you all the scarring of the program. Suffice to say, it was gross and now I am grossed out by earwax. So, as the doctor scooped out little scoop after little scoop of earwax, I sat across from Roger seriously disgusted and saw a tiny little smile on his face. He later shared with me he knew how disgusted I was because he remembered how much the tv program grossed me out. Nice, huh?
So, the doctor's visit. He examined Roger and determined Roger's hearing loss is because his left vocal cord is paralyzed. The doctor theorized it was due to the tumors in Roger's chest. Cancer strikes again. Really? It hasn't done enough? It has to go after his ability to communicate? Really? Not that Roger was all that chatty lately, but to take away his voice entirely? Exceptionally cruel and inhumane. After making the prognosis, the doctor said he did have a procedure he thought might help. Basically, outpatient. Roger would be knocked out for 25-30 min. The doctor would go down Roger's throat and would insert a fluid type implant into Roger's left vocal cord which would firm up the vocal cord and allow the right vocal cord to reverberate and thus create sound. The doctor also identified the fact Roger has been having increasing difficulty swallowing liquids (which is true). Apparently the vocal cord paralysis interferes with the swallowing process.
We decided to get on the doctor's calendar for June 12 to have the procedure. All of us, Roger, the doctor, and me, agreed the quality of life - however long that life - should include the ability to communicate. I've missed hearing Roger's voice. Every night I tell him good night and that I love him. I have to lean in real close wrapping my arm around him to hear him whisper, "I love you too". Once the doctor left the exam room, as I sat across from Roger I looked at him, took a deep breath and said, "You and your poor body have been through so much. We'll do whatever you want". There are risks, but in the whole scheme of things. Roger wants his voice back and I support him 100%. And, I want his voice back. And so, we are on the doctor's calendar for June 12. It will most likely take a few days but the doctor thought we should hear a noticeable difference in Roger's voice.
As you most likely can tell, or maybe you can't. Roger is fragile and getting more so. His blood pressure has been very low. We think dehydration may contribute to the low blood pressure, so we decided to do fluids here at home. Got his port accessed a couple days ago. We've done fluids for the past three days. His blood pressure *has* gone up. So, it appears the fluids are helping. We just finished tonight's dose. He is trying to eat more but sleeps a bunch so I've been prodding every chance I get.
Meeting with the prospective buyer of our boat on Monday. Basically have decided we are going to make a deal, whatever the deal. Roger does not want me to have to deal with the sale of the boat on my own. I don't want Roger to worry about anything, so....we are going to sell the boat. Plus, Roger has expressed he just does not think he can handle the boat anymore. Simple. Done. Lets sell it. On to the next thing.
Obviously lots going on. Trying to find peace. Trying to squeeze out every drop of life we possibly can.
Sending big hugs your way. Hope all is groovy with you. xxooxx, a & r
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