The setting tonight:  Roger snugged into his bed (as he has been all day) with virtually every pillow in the house safely cradling his frail body.  Two of our four-legged friends are in the room, one of whom spent most of the day with Roger in bed.  Me, I'm in the recliner tonight.  I've added about 4-5 inches of padding and blankets and comforters.  The chair is positioned exactly the same as the bed's incline.  While I'd prefer to be snugged in next to Roger in bed, I just can't dislodge him from his nest.

I've thought about what to post tonight several times today and came up with random thoughts:

Thought 1.  Cancer is a thief:  it steals your peace of mind, it steals time, it steal life, it steals so much.  It has taken Roger's dexterity, his personality, his wit. He has lost most of his ability to control his left hand which is heart breaking for a guy who worked with is hands as much as Roger did.  I've watched him to the point of suffocation on my part, as he tries and tries to use his left hand to pick up a pill and simply cannot do it. 

Thought 2.  Perfect and imperfect moments.  My friend Katie shared with me an expert from a blog she follows.  The author referenced Chronos and Kairos time - my simplistic read was imperfect and perfect time.  Roger and I have certainly seen plenty of both.  Imperfect time - the everyday stuff, sometimes drudgery.  Then the perfect moments which include holding hands, a simple smile or simple statement. This morning, I was buzzing around and turned to look back at Roger.  He was actually staring at me.  I asked, "And what are you looking at?",  I expected no response.  He blinked his beautiful blue eyes and said, "The woman I love".  Hmmm, a perfect moment. 

Thought 3.  Peace.  All we can ever ask for ourselves and other is peace.  Simple, quiet, soul resting peace.  This morning, I think we both found it.  Roger woke very lucid (he's been more spacey and out of it).  He talked about the comfort of the room, and the comfort of where he was, and that he was happy that it was the two of us together.  I asked if he was at peace, he said yes, I feel very peaceful.   He did asked about moving the bed, which is ironic because I had literally been thinking the same thing before he actually voiced the request.  I thought it might be nice for him to see the fish tank, the TV and the view out the window.  He just had a wild hair. So, I moved everything out of the way, and proceeded to move the bed with Roger in it.  After shifting it all around, we both decided it was better the way it was.  oh well.

Bunch more thoughts floating around out there mixed with a whole lotta of emotion all flowing from a very heavy heart.  Cancer is stealing Roger away.  We - Roger - has fought hard and it seems like such a contradiction to stop fighting but his body just can't do anything more.  He said this morning, he is just soooo tired.  Who wouldn't be after this fight?  And through it all, he has remained an amazing spirit.  He's a super hero to me. 

Gotta go. We spent most of the day holding hands and I can't hold his hand now when I'm busy typing.  Think peaceful thoughts and send them our way.  all our love, a & r