As you can imagine, we do a lot of thinking on this end.  Thinking about little stupid stuff:  what to buy at the grocery, will it be stinking hot today, will anything good be on tv tonight.  Thinking about big big stuff like living with cancer and ALL the thoughts tortured, sad, difficult, academic, etc that come with it.

 In this post tonight, I want to ask you to reflect on the day you just had, the previous day, or for that matter the past week you've had.  Stop for a moment and think about all the plans you made for the coming day, for the coming week, or the coming fall.  Think of all those plans, from something as simple as what patio furniture should you buy, to where should you go for vacation, to what your next job will be, to when and what you will do when you retire.  Now, think of those persons or person part of that decision.  That person you consult and say "hey, do you think we should buy this? or do you think we should do that? or what do you think?"  Then, as many of you have already jumped to this next part of the decision tree, then, think of going through this process with your person who has been weighed down with the impossible weight of cancer - any cancer - let alone terminal cancer. WHAT do you do with these stupid stupid questions?  I honestly don't know.

We - Roger and I -  try to live in the moment.  In the here and now, but it is truly impossible to not have questions, thoughts, etc which deal with the future.  And again, I ask you HOW do you do that?  Until recently, I'd like to think we.... I ... have been relatively good at the here and now and have avoided those ridiculous thoughts, plans, etc. relative to the future.  That is NOT to say we abandon hope for the future.  You can't give up hope.  Ever. Never.  But the here and now is tangible and grasp-able.  Roger tried to engage me in a conversation about the future and what it meant for me - in this case work related - and I simply could  *  not   *  do   *  it  *.  I can speak before thousands of people.  I can do all the girl-jobs and boy-jobs in the house.  I can deal with spiders (HATE IT AND WILL SCREAM WHEN  I DO IT).  I can dig deep and find some sort of nurturing, caregiver, maternal-type of instinct in me (it aint natural).  I can get over my absolute queasiness to blood.  And, I can slay sooooo many monsters and demons which threaten my husband and me.  But I simply cannot, cannot talk about the future.  Just can't.

I will never stop thinking of this journey with cancer as reality being suspended.  Looming above our heads like a razor sharp sword.  Waiting to drop.  Ohgoodgod, I sound soooooooooo dramatic.  blah blah blah.  Not the intention.  I'm sure you hear some sort of dramatic, cheesy movie music playing in your heads as you wait for the "CRASH BOOM" moment.  No crash-boom moment.  Just a whole bunch of emotions and thoughts floating around in the air. 

We're headed to an orthopedic doctor tomorrow to figure out whats going on with Roger's foot.  Sounds like a possible broken bone in his foot.  Most probably due to the "treatment" for cancer.  All these crazy, barbaric  cancer "treatments" have potential ancillary side effects to the human body.  Brittle bones is one of many for Roger.  Crazy stuff.  All in the pursuit of getting better....getting well....

Any whooooooo.  Sorry for all the blah blah blah.  We promised ourselves (Roger made me promise him) we would always be honest in our blog.  Part of the honesty is sharing some of this blah blah blah stuff. 

Gotta go.  We have Roger hooked up to hydration fluids tonight.  He is almost done.  So, gotta disconnect the fluids and flush his lines and then usher him off to bed.   A favorite moment  moment for me is snuggling up behind him and wrapping my arms around him as he falls deep asleep.  ~ a