I've been searching...searching for the words to post. And I realized the problem isn't the words escaping me, rather the problem is there are no words adequate to express the thought, the emotion, the loss, the heartbreak. There simply aren't any words. The impossible became possible.
The beautiful, creative, kind spirit I have had the pleasure (and sure a little spousal frustration) of loving for the past 17 years of marriage and known for over 25 years is gone. Roger left us quietly Sunday evening just before 10:00 pm. He was here at home with me at his side and our cat Hemi snuggled around Roger's feet. The moment was quiet and as peaceful as it could be.
Roger has been slowly making his exit for sometime as you've come to know through our blog. His slow exit became more accelerated over the last month and most especially over the last week. As much as I wanted to scream (and did in the deep depths of my heart), "Don't go. Please don't go." I didn't and simply couldn't do that to him. This poor amazing man has fought so hard for so long. Three, very very long difficult years. As his body continued to become more frail, and his strength and dexterity left him, and his cognitive ability continued to fade, I found that I couldn't possibly ask him to stay...no matter what my heart was saying. Infact, the last week, I told him it was ok to go. And now, sitting here in the stillness and quiet of our home, needing him and missing him more than I do the air I breathe I still realize he needed to go. He is gone to create a new adventure. He is off to create new more amazing art, build more grand homes, set off to sail beautiful blue waters in another world.
Roger has touched so many with his skill, his talent, his generousity, his friendship, and his love. He has imprinted deeply on my soul and is a forever part of me.
I know the loss and hurt so many of you are feeling and have been expressing to me. Roger would be so touched to know all of the love and admiration you feel for him.
For me, the saddness and grieving comes and goes in waves. Sometimes a small wave washing against my shore, other times a tsunami swallowing me whole.
I don't know how much longer I will continue the blog. I think I'll keep it for a little while to share stories which come out from friends and family at the memorial services and the celebration of life gathering.
I'm sorry Roger had to leave us but am relieved he will not be suffering any more. And, I truly feel fortunate I had this amazing person - the love of my life - for 17 albeit it too-short years. ~ angie
Angie,
ReplyDeleteWe are so sorry to hear about your loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Alkis Marangos & Molly Zoeller
Your words are very sweet, brave and are a wonderful tribute. You and He fought a heck of a fight for a long time and I (we) admire you both for that and the way you have shown the rest of us how important the really important things in life are! Thank you for that! Love always, Don & Anita
ReplyDeleteplease keep blogging your words are heart felt and healing. I need to hear how you are doing what has
ReplyDeletebeen keeping you going coming down was hard because
of my situation, but being with you even though i didn't do anything. I wanted to show you I am here if you need me. Thinking of you all the time. LOVE YOU CANDY
I am so very sad I never got the chance to tell Roger how much he meant to me and how I viewed him like a father figure. I had recently went to Fastimes to visit as it had been a long time since I had, far too long. I saw Mike there and he told me of Rogers situation and of this blog site, which I lost. =( Strangely enough this morning I awoke from a dream I had. A dream about Fastimes. I was back working there with all the people who I worked with over the years, and Roger was there too. There was a party going on, perhaps it was a party for Roger. =) What ever it may have been, when I woke I was compelled to find this blog site and reach out to him. I was deeply saddend by what I found. My words cannot express.
ReplyDeleteI remeber when I first met Roger. He interviewed me for my job at Fastimes. Angie greeted me and I had to wait for Roger to get done running races. xD. Fastimes had just opened a week earlier. I never would have thought I would spend the next 6-7 years working there. I had recently read the post about having to sell the boat. =( I remeber when Roger and I brought it into dry dock for the first time since he purchased it after it sank. There was so much work to be done, but his vision to see beyond the damage was amazing. I never did get to see her in all her glory since it was completed. I spent many hours with Roger helping him work on it. =P
I will forver think of Roger as a friend and as a father figure. Thank you Roger for everything, you will be deeply missed. I am so sorry for your loss Angie, it is a loss to us all.
-- Marc Ferguson
A friend on facebook posted a photo of her three daughters riding the merry-go-round at the Children's Museum yesterday. I thought of Roger and you and just wanted to say hello and Merry Christmas. I hope this message finds you doing well.
ReplyDeleteDear Angie,
ReplyDeleteRobyn just told me the news. No words are adequate here, you know that I know that as well as anyone. If you ever need someone to talk to who has walked this ground before, give me a shout. That's what we are here for to help our fellow friend on this journey. Love you!
Carolyn (Potts) Padget-Kantz
Greif is a journey, sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard, but you are never alone. I see so many people that love you and want you to be happy and healthy. I never knew Roger but I can see the shine in his eyes how much he loved you Angie. He will always be in your heart and you in his. I will pray for you and for peace to surround you at all times. God will unite you both again, soon, some day and it will be paradise. He is watching over you with such care. He is so proud of all you have done and accomplished. So sorry for your loss of Roger, he sounded like a wonderful man.
ReplyDeleteMelissa