Early post

Rather than wait until the end of the evening when rational thought and energy have all escaped me, thought I'd try posting a little earlier. 

We had a an exceptional special, perfect moment yesterday.  It was early evening, say 5:30 or 6:00 ish.  Roger was quietly sleeping.  I was outside in our courtyard chatting with a friend who had stopped by for a quick visit.  As she and I were talking, we heard a "ph-thunk" against the window near the back door.  Hmmm.  Earl the fat cat jumped...ok lumbered up to see what the noise was.  Meanwhile a hummingbird hovered about 2-3 feet above Earl. Obviously the bird was not worried that the rather substantial cat would get him.  It soon buzzed off.  I decided to check out what the noise was....turns out a little hummingbird whacked itself against our window.  I picked the little guy up (only a foot away from Fat Earl) and held it in my hands.  It was breathing but limp.  My friend grabbed on of the many hummingbird feeders I had hanging and brought it to me.  I held the little guy up to it and for

ced its teensy weensy little beak into the sweet liquid.  We could see its little throat moving and if we focused hard enough we could see its tiny tiny little tongue slip into the nectar.  Well the little guy was simply out of it and could barely stand on the feeder.  We decided to leave him be to come to his senses.  My friend meanwhile left.  I went in to check on Roger and then would dance in and out of the house checking on Roger then the little bird then Roger then the little bird.  You get the picture.  As the little guy was trying to recuperate he was being dive bombed by another hummingbird (they are HORRIBLY territorial).  So, THAT was not going to work.  I cupped the little guy in my hands and decided, if I could wake Roger, it would be the perfect moment to share with him.  Likewise, it would get the little bird out of harms way.  Roger not only woke from his slumber (harder and harder as of late) but he pet the little guy's head as I gently held the bird in front of his face.  It was soooo cool.  Never mind the harms way I put the bird in with the THREE cats now in the house two of which are abled bodied and would have loved to chase a little birdie.  In retrospect my little perfect moment could have gone horribly wrong and been a horror show of sorts.  Fortunately the stars and moons aligned and I was able to share one more special moment with Roger. Wish I had had one more set of hands to take a picture of Roger petting the little guy's head and see the small smile on Roger's face.  Truly precious moment.

Roger's pain appears to be well controlled. He rarely winces with pain and if he does then I push his pain button and the wince slowly disappears. He continues to quietly fade.  He is no longer eating...I think its been 3 days and is drinking very little.  His time is spent sleeping.  When he wakes albeit it briefly, I try to get him to shift or rather I try to shift him in bed for fear of bedsores forming.  He will give me a brief smile, a brief locking of eyes when he wakes momentarily and then will slip back to sleep.  Its sweet and sad...bitter sweet. 

Roger and I talked on Monday...the last day we really had much of a conversation, he pointed to the room and said "this is a good room, its square AND, its a no tears zone."  So, as a random tear leaked out, I quickly dried it and smiled at him and said "you're right. Its a no tears zone."  I'm afraid I'm going to be breaking that rule soon.

I've been able to stave off much of the sadness and heartbreak but know I can't much longer. I've been able to channel all my energy and sadness into caring for Roger...fighting the fight.  

Sitting here quietly listening to the rain hit the windows, mixed with the deep breathing of my darling husband.  The cats have vanished (they hate storms).  Can't imagine my world without Roger but am watching him slowly vanish before my eyes.

~ a & r