The days run together frequently when you are chugging along in a stream of not-so-hot days. Roger decided he was going to make a concerted effort to lay low today and just try to take it easy. He totally over did it yesterday. Actually we both did as did my parents. They came to the boat and the four of us worked liked crazed people to get the boat de-winterized and make it "showable" which means we unstacked all the furniture and staged it. We cleaned all bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen and living area. All the beds were made. We removed all the plastic covering from the carpet and then set about using carpet cleaner to remove all the grease spots from where the mechanic managed to step....where there was a tiny spot of carpet without plastic. HOW did he managed to find those little bits of carpet???? Roger often had to sit down and close his eyes and just chill. Fortunately Mom, Dad and I were a force to be reckoned with and managed to keep buzzing around the boat getting everything done. I'm happy to report it looked gorgeous. I talked to Mom this morning to say thanks again and she captured the "worth it moment" when she said it was pretty cool watching the transformation from dirty winterized boat to show-able boat. Made all the hard work, scraped knuckles, broken nails, and achy backs all worth it. And speaking of "Worthit". We are trying to come up with a new name for the boat. My girlfriend Lorna suggested "Worthit". Since its totally worth it for us and brings us great peace. Pretty cool name. Roger is mulling it over.
As mentioned in the above paragraph, Roger doesn't feel so hot. When I walked in the house this evening after work, I found him bundled up in his chair with a blanket over him. He just can't get/stay warm. We are quite the couple....at any given moment I'm about to literally melt into a pool of ooze or instantaneously burst into flames and Roger is frozen to the touch. Last night when we went to bed, Roger was tucked under the bedspread quilt with an additional blanket on top, I scooted up behind him trying to press as much of me onto his cold skin meanwhile having to hang (your gonna love this glamorous image ....NOT) my big ol' butt and back out of the covers to try to cool down. The front half of me was melting and sweating while Roger snoozed away happily toasty and snug as a bug in a rug. The back half of me was cold to the touch. See? Nice image, huh?
He took a bath again tonight to try to alleviate some of the discomfort. Said that it worked as long as he was in the tub. Somehow the water is an equalizer or something like that. We are upping his pain patch to see if it will help. His pain doctor had talked about upping it to 150 mg before now. We resisted and wanted to try 125 first. Roger doesn't want to be a zombie and wants to be active. So we thought he'd ease into the increase by starting with 125. Since he hasn't had any relief for a while, we are trying 150 since his pain doctor was going to do that the last time we were with him. I'll report back tomorrow or the next day. It takes about 6 hours for the stuff to really kick in.
Work has been crazy busy. Good ol' Murphys Law. I want to be busy and have lots of business (makes it easier to pay bills)...just wonder why it has to be an avalanche? Why not a nice slow steady snowfall of activity coming down in a nice controlled fashion. ohhhhhh, no. Not the case. Can't complain though because the alternative of little or no business is not a good thing.
We checked the calendar to figure out what the dates are for next scan and doctors appointments. We both thought the next MRI would be next week. NOPE, not the case. Its THIS Friday which startled the hell out of both of us. Obviously we *knew* it was coming...just thought we would have one more week to "get ready". As we were talking about it this evening, Roger said "its really thrown me for a loop. I was expecting next week. But really, what's the difference? They will say the radiation worked and reduced the size of the brain tumors, or they will say the radiation worked and completely obliterated the tumors, or they will say the radiation didn't do much and the tumors are still there. Regardless, we know - to some extent - what we are faced with." With tears in both of our eyes, we both uttered a low sigh and agreed, "yep, that's pretty much it." I'm sure we will continue to become more anxious as the week evaporates.
Next week will be meetings with the radiation oncologist as well as Roger's original oncologist. We'll see what is what then. And between the scan this Friday and the doctors' appointments next week, we will have a very long weekend.
Gotta go. I've got work-work to do yet this evening. More soon. love, angie
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Saturday, another not so hot day
Roger continues to feel poorly. I think he had moments today where he was "ok" but for the most part, pretty crummy. And, just absolutely exhausted. He didn't eat much in part because he didn't feel well and in part because he was at the boat with the mechanic (we are down in Vevay again for the weekend). It drives me batty that he won't stop and take the time to eat something of substance. I nag alot about eating but am not willing to nag all the time. He said he snacked a little. He needs to eat about 5-6 times a day....I think we are lucky if he eats 3 times a day....
We're hoping this weekend is the last in a while for coming down here to Vevay. Even though we both enjoy it. Roger is just worn coming down here. He said when he feels poorly, he wants to be home in his bed or on his sofa. The motor is completely reassembled. A good thing. They actually fired it up and Roger said it sounded good. Of course, it all can't just be that simple for the Wethingtons...there HAS to be something which goes wrong. In this case, something happened with the oil tube thingy (hell, I don't know WHAT it is, so you'll have to be satisfied with thingy). When the motor was started, it dumped 2 gallons of oil into the bottom of the boat. Ok, ick. What a mess. But that's not the issue. The concern is the motor was operated without the full 6 gallons of oil. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything is ok with the 4 gallons which remained.
After several bad days in a row, I'm hoping Roger has gotten them out of his system and that he'll have some good days to come.
He's asleep on the sofa. Time for me to settle for the evening as well... sorry I don't have much to post, there just isn't much to say.
Hope your weekend was good. hugs, a
We're hoping this weekend is the last in a while for coming down here to Vevay. Even though we both enjoy it. Roger is just worn coming down here. He said when he feels poorly, he wants to be home in his bed or on his sofa. The motor is completely reassembled. A good thing. They actually fired it up and Roger said it sounded good. Of course, it all can't just be that simple for the Wethingtons...there HAS to be something which goes wrong. In this case, something happened with the oil tube thingy (hell, I don't know WHAT it is, so you'll have to be satisfied with thingy). When the motor was started, it dumped 2 gallons of oil into the bottom of the boat. Ok, ick. What a mess. But that's not the issue. The concern is the motor was operated without the full 6 gallons of oil. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything is ok with the 4 gallons which remained.
After several bad days in a row, I'm hoping Roger has gotten them out of his system and that he'll have some good days to come.
He's asleep on the sofa. Time for me to settle for the evening as well... sorry I don't have much to post, there just isn't much to say.
Hope your weekend was good. hugs, a
Friday, April 27, 2012
Quick post.
Roger had a bad day. Yesterday was poor as well. Same pain and discomfort and exhaustion. Today, I think he was also emotionally worn from feeling poorly as well. And, can you blame him??? On days like today, its my job to try to trouble shoot and, a find a "solution" (though a true solution rarely exists). Trouble shooting includes: 1) have you taken your meds today?, 2) where are you on your pain patch, time to change?, 3) did you eat? what did you eat?, 4) did you over do it today? , 5) have you tried to walk around a little to see if you system needs to stretch a little?.....and the list goes on.
He has been sitting upright most of the evening in his "I'm in pain" position at the edge of the sofa or chair, head slumped down toward his chest....not a comfortable lounging position by any means...but for him, it helps him find some sort of peace. As he shifted around a couple times, I asked him "have you walked around at all??" Mind you, the wind is whipping outside and temps are dropping. I'm not suggesting a walk outside, but maybe around the house. He finally got up and has been padding around the floor, doing laps for about 5 minutes. Now, about 30 minutes later, he is asleep nestled into the corner of the sofa with 6 pillows and counting! At least he is comfortable. Or at least he is comfortable for now. Looks like another night sleeping in the family room. I've already moved the bucket close to the sofa...just in case he wakes refluxing (such an unsettling moment). I'll be chasing pillows and blankets for myself shortly.
We met with Roger's pain doctor today. Obviously as evidenced by the last couple posts, Roger hasn't felt all that hot. He desperately craves feeling good or conversely loathes feeling crappy. The pain doc has maintained all along, especially now the cancer is in such an advanced phase his job (the pain doc) is to try to make Roger comfortable and as painfree as possible. So, we continue to monkey around with Roger's meds. Today's solution is to up the immediate release "break-through" pain medicine as well as provide a new drug which is like an aerosol pain med. There are so many variables that you really don't want to change too many elements in the equation....you won't know what works or what doesn't work. So, we focused on the pain-control aspect. I'll circle back with the doctor about the fog and "the crazy" which Ambien causes.
So that's it. I'm totally pooped. The candle has burned from both ends to virtually nothing. Time for me to sleep.Offering up my standard apologies for typos, misspelling grammar faux paus, etc. xxooxx, a
Roger had a bad day. Yesterday was poor as well. Same pain and discomfort and exhaustion. Today, I think he was also emotionally worn from feeling poorly as well. And, can you blame him??? On days like today, its my job to try to trouble shoot and, a find a "solution" (though a true solution rarely exists). Trouble shooting includes: 1) have you taken your meds today?, 2) where are you on your pain patch, time to change?, 3) did you eat? what did you eat?, 4) did you over do it today? , 5) have you tried to walk around a little to see if you system needs to stretch a little?.....and the list goes on.
He has been sitting upright most of the evening in his "I'm in pain" position at the edge of the sofa or chair, head slumped down toward his chest....not a comfortable lounging position by any means...but for him, it helps him find some sort of peace. As he shifted around a couple times, I asked him "have you walked around at all??" Mind you, the wind is whipping outside and temps are dropping. I'm not suggesting a walk outside, but maybe around the house. He finally got up and has been padding around the floor, doing laps for about 5 minutes. Now, about 30 minutes later, he is asleep nestled into the corner of the sofa with 6 pillows and counting! At least he is comfortable. Or at least he is comfortable for now. Looks like another night sleeping in the family room. I've already moved the bucket close to the sofa...just in case he wakes refluxing (such an unsettling moment). I'll be chasing pillows and blankets for myself shortly.
We met with Roger's pain doctor today. Obviously as evidenced by the last couple posts, Roger hasn't felt all that hot. He desperately craves feeling good or conversely loathes feeling crappy. The pain doc has maintained all along, especially now the cancer is in such an advanced phase his job (the pain doc) is to try to make Roger comfortable and as painfree as possible. So, we continue to monkey around with Roger's meds. Today's solution is to up the immediate release "break-through" pain medicine as well as provide a new drug which is like an aerosol pain med. There are so many variables that you really don't want to change too many elements in the equation....you won't know what works or what doesn't work. So, we focused on the pain-control aspect. I'll circle back with the doctor about the fog and "the crazy" which Ambien causes.
So that's it. I'm totally pooped. The candle has burned from both ends to virtually nothing. Time for me to sleep.Offering up my standard apologies for typos, misspelling grammar faux paus, etc. xxooxx, a
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I thought about the blog several times yesterday and several times today. I searched for what I was going to write. Maybe it s a good thing when I'm at a loss....nothing bad necessarily though implicitly that means nothing good too. This evening I asked Roger, "What should I blog about?" He responded, "I don't know. Say there is nothing to say". Well, thank you very much... been there done that. I told him, I don't even have any funnies to share. Does that mean nothing fun/amusing is happening? Maybe. Or the moments were so small and random. We shared a giggle but then nothing stuck in my brain. Since I am at a loss for words, I'll instead share random, not related thoughts.
DINING OUT: a luxury we took for granted. Before cancer, we used to eat out almost every night. Ate too much. Drank too much. It was a big, every day part of our life. Today, Roger muscled up the energy and effort to run an errand and then suggested going out for dinner. As we sat in the booth, waiting for our dinner to be served, he said "We used to go out every night. I used to be able to eat this whole basket of chips and drink margaritas..." I paused, munched a chip and said, "yes, we did. And we ate too much and drank too much. Life always changes and we are going to change with it. Now, think about all the money we are saving!"
PREDICTABILITY: a concept I never thought we would miss but we do. We miss predicting a "normal" day or at least predicting Roger would have a decent day or even a decent night sleep. The irony in this statement as a lot of you are probably thinking... there is NOTHING predictable about Roger Wethington. Mr. 'Don't Worry bout It' had this amazing ability to just roll with life. As many of you know, we are reluctant to make plans to get together for dinner, or drinks or anything because we just never know about how Roger is going to feel. Honestly, we are not hermits. You've come to learn...at a given moment, Roger's system can turn on him, twist him into a knot with pain.
TIME: a word or concept which is full of multiple meanings. Time is a good thing, time is a bad thing, time is an illusive thing. It flies, it stands still. When you are faced with a serious illness with an alleged timeline, the passage of time has new meaning. Remember when we were all kids and we couldn't wait to get "old"??? Now that we are "old" and faced with this serious situation, we both would give our right arm to go back to being young.
CAREFREE: We no longer have completely carefree moments. Think about those moments in your day - and I'm not here to say everyone has them - but I know we *used* to have perfectly, albeit small, carefree moments. I really don't feel like we have those any more. Everything now has a little more weight to it.
PEOPLE: people are and will always be the most valuable resource we all have. Family-people, friend-people, work-people, all people. You've heard me say repeatedly how important our people are to us. That's not just lip-service I truly mean it. And I mean people.... and that's a two-way concept....ok, maybe that doesn't make sense. What I'm trying to say is that its just not people WE rely ON but also, we hope, that our people know THEY can rely on US. I/We would drop everything for our people if you needed something....anything. I know some of you have hesitated to ask. Don't hesitate. Sometimes, a lot of times, it helps to distract us from our life by helping or simply being with others.
Roger's bday is coming up. May 10. He turns 52! Holyhell, a veritable junior old person (as Roger would say). The American Cancer Society has a marketing slogan about celebrating birthdays which we ALL need to do...regardless of cancer or for that matter life's trials and tribulations. More importantly, we all need to celebrate LIFE. So, celebrate your life (stop and be appreciative), celebrate the life of your loved ones and your friends (stop and appreciate them), and enjoy the moment. Try to find those moments of funny (which escape my memory lately) and revel in a simple laugh or small smile.
Sending a big virtual hug your way.
DINING OUT: a luxury we took for granted. Before cancer, we used to eat out almost every night. Ate too much. Drank too much. It was a big, every day part of our life. Today, Roger muscled up the energy and effort to run an errand and then suggested going out for dinner. As we sat in the booth, waiting for our dinner to be served, he said "We used to go out every night. I used to be able to eat this whole basket of chips and drink margaritas..." I paused, munched a chip and said, "yes, we did. And we ate too much and drank too much. Life always changes and we are going to change with it. Now, think about all the money we are saving!"
PREDICTABILITY: a concept I never thought we would miss but we do. We miss predicting a "normal" day or at least predicting Roger would have a decent day or even a decent night sleep. The irony in this statement as a lot of you are probably thinking... there is NOTHING predictable about Roger Wethington. Mr. 'Don't Worry bout It' had this amazing ability to just roll with life. As many of you know, we are reluctant to make plans to get together for dinner, or drinks or anything because we just never know about how Roger is going to feel. Honestly, we are not hermits. You've come to learn...at a given moment, Roger's system can turn on him, twist him into a knot with pain.
TIME: a word or concept which is full of multiple meanings. Time is a good thing, time is a bad thing, time is an illusive thing. It flies, it stands still. When you are faced with a serious illness with an alleged timeline, the passage of time has new meaning. Remember when we were all kids and we couldn't wait to get "old"??? Now that we are "old" and faced with this serious situation, we both would give our right arm to go back to being young.
CAREFREE: We no longer have completely carefree moments. Think about those moments in your day - and I'm not here to say everyone has them - but I know we *used* to have perfectly, albeit small, carefree moments. I really don't feel like we have those any more. Everything now has a little more weight to it.
PEOPLE: people are and will always be the most valuable resource we all have. Family-people, friend-people, work-people, all people. You've heard me say repeatedly how important our people are to us. That's not just lip-service I truly mean it. And I mean people.... and that's a two-way concept....ok, maybe that doesn't make sense. What I'm trying to say is that its just not people WE rely ON but also, we hope, that our people know THEY can rely on US. I/We would drop everything for our people if you needed something....anything. I know some of you have hesitated to ask. Don't hesitate. Sometimes, a lot of times, it helps to distract us from our life by helping or simply being with others.
Roger's bday is coming up. May 10. He turns 52! Holyhell, a veritable junior old person (as Roger would say). The American Cancer Society has a marketing slogan about celebrating birthdays which we ALL need to do...regardless of cancer or for that matter life's trials and tribulations. More importantly, we all need to celebrate LIFE. So, celebrate your life (stop and be appreciative), celebrate the life of your loved ones and your friends (stop and appreciate them), and enjoy the moment. Try to find those moments of funny (which escape my memory lately) and revel in a simple laugh or small smile.
Sending a big virtual hug your way.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Long days and short nights
Thats an oft repeated theme for me...for us. The days get longer (and I'm not talking about resetting your clock due to daylight savings) and the nights get shorter. I'm wide awake and working on work-work. I've got piles of home-work stuff needing attention but work-work has to take priority. Roger is crumpled into a pile of bones on the sofa across the room from me. I think we may just stay in the family room tonight and venture to real bed tomorrow. I just tried waking him and he is deep in Ambien fog so I'd rather not verbally and physically wrestle him to bed. While I'm a big fan of Ambien's effectiveness for helping Roger sleep, I'm NOT a fan of the complete fog and increased difficult, stubbornness it brings out of Roger. Especially when he doesn't really remember the next day. On Ambien, he gets spacey, confused, goofy, weird, and ...difficult. So I have this short window of opportunity to get him into bed before the full magic powers of Ambien kicks in. I think we'll be discussing this "wonder" drug with his pain management doctor later this week.
We were in southern Indiana for the weekend. The boat motor is very close to being completed. So, Roger wanted to be on hand incase the mechanic had questions about some of the parts Roger had previously taken off. It looks like one more weekend and then the moment of truth when the fire up the engine. Always a tense moment regardless of how talented the mechanic. And in this case, rebuilding the motor is literally like disassembling and reassembling a mini-cooper inside of a Ford Expedition. Literally the motor is about the size of the mini cooper and the motor compartment is about the size of the Expedition. So, we spent a chilly weekend down in Vevay Indiana. Mom and Dad came down for the day. Dad helped Roger with a few things on the boat and Mom and I hung back at the house and ran some errands.
We had a couple silly, funny moments this weekend which I told myself I was going to remember to post to the blog. And its either the late hour or maybe some of Roger's forgetfulness is rubbing off on me...for the life of me I can't remember what I was going to share. Hopefully it will come back to me.
Roger has been feeling so-so. He felt decent Friday but then crummy on Saturday and "ok" today. Up down up down. We've learned to ride the wave and look forward to the decent, ok, and even random good days whenever they present themselves. He commented this weekend he thinks he has increased tremors in his hands. He has had slight tremors for a while but now he thinks it has increased. That's not to say he can't hold a soda in his hand rather if he has nothing in his hands they shake slightly. Hard to say if this is aftermath from cancer or the fabulous (dripping with sarcasm) "treatment" we know as chemo and radiation. Sorry, I don't mean to suggest the treatment is bad per se....just that its sorta barbaric in that it beats the holy hell out of the poor patient. All this stuff...cancer, chemo, and radiation has beaten the holy hell out of Roger. I just bought him a new pair of pant and a new pair of shorts. We have gone from a waist of 36" at Roger's puggiest to now a very emaciated 30" waist. 235 lbs down to 134 lbs. I no longer even think about how close he is to my weight...vanity has left the building.
Ok, that's it. I really really gotta work on some work-work stuff. Oh and speaking of stuff. Nothing new on the sale of the boat. One of the two guys called. He wants to come see the boat. We are putting him off until the motor is done. Fate will be what fate is. Plus there is simply no reason to let the guy on the boat until its presentable.
Back to signing off. Hope all is well in your world. I wish our people endless laughter, love, and a general warm feeling of peace the same thing I wish for ourselves. All our love and more, a & a snoring r (just tried to spell check, damn blog program won't spell check - so....sorry for any misspellings, typos, or blah blah blah which doesn't make any sense. ta ta for now)
We were in southern Indiana for the weekend. The boat motor is very close to being completed. So, Roger wanted to be on hand incase the mechanic had questions about some of the parts Roger had previously taken off. It looks like one more weekend and then the moment of truth when the fire up the engine. Always a tense moment regardless of how talented the mechanic. And in this case, rebuilding the motor is literally like disassembling and reassembling a mini-cooper inside of a Ford Expedition. Literally the motor is about the size of the mini cooper and the motor compartment is about the size of the Expedition. So, we spent a chilly weekend down in Vevay Indiana. Mom and Dad came down for the day. Dad helped Roger with a few things on the boat and Mom and I hung back at the house and ran some errands.
We had a couple silly, funny moments this weekend which I told myself I was going to remember to post to the blog. And its either the late hour or maybe some of Roger's forgetfulness is rubbing off on me...for the life of me I can't remember what I was going to share. Hopefully it will come back to me.
Roger has been feeling so-so. He felt decent Friday but then crummy on Saturday and "ok" today. Up down up down. We've learned to ride the wave and look forward to the decent, ok, and even random good days whenever they present themselves. He commented this weekend he thinks he has increased tremors in his hands. He has had slight tremors for a while but now he thinks it has increased. That's not to say he can't hold a soda in his hand rather if he has nothing in his hands they shake slightly. Hard to say if this is aftermath from cancer or the fabulous (dripping with sarcasm) "treatment" we know as chemo and radiation. Sorry, I don't mean to suggest the treatment is bad per se....just that its sorta barbaric in that it beats the holy hell out of the poor patient. All this stuff...cancer, chemo, and radiation has beaten the holy hell out of Roger. I just bought him a new pair of pant and a new pair of shorts. We have gone from a waist of 36" at Roger's puggiest to now a very emaciated 30" waist. 235 lbs down to 134 lbs. I no longer even think about how close he is to my weight...vanity has left the building.
Ok, that's it. I really really gotta work on some work-work stuff. Oh and speaking of stuff. Nothing new on the sale of the boat. One of the two guys called. He wants to come see the boat. We are putting him off until the motor is done. Fate will be what fate is. Plus there is simply no reason to let the guy on the boat until its presentable.
Back to signing off. Hope all is well in your world. I wish our people endless laughter, love, and a general warm feeling of peace the same thing I wish for ourselves. All our love and more, a & a snoring r (just tried to spell check, damn blog program won't spell check - so....sorry for any misspellings, typos, or blah blah blah which doesn't make any sense. ta ta for now)
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Truth and honesty
When we started this blog....all the way back in 2009 (a million years ago), we committed to each other to be honest and to share AND as much as we could to try to focus on the good or the positive. In the process of being honest, we have revealed the raw underbelly of cancer. And the emotional impact. Having said that, we share almost in a matter of fact way. In our world, it "is what it is".
Today I got a small earful from Roger. Apparently a few people have called him and asked or suggested he is "losing his mind". Maybe that has been inferred from my sharing with you here in the blog he has recently lost words or lost a thought mid-stream. I need to set the record straight. Not only for him but for me. Roger is NOT losing his mind. Roger is NOT crazy. Roger is NOT losing it. He has moments where he may lose words or a thought but is perfectly right-minded...or at least as much as anyone can be under the given circumstances. Roger IS functional. He can get around and can do things. Maybe not as much as he used to but he can do things. I share with you the subtlties I see or hear or think I've witnessed. They are just that....subtlties. After hearing about this today, I am taken aback and wonder if I should taper my blogging or maybe even stop. My preference is to continue to share with you our days as they occur but need to caution you, rather beg you to NOT read more into the blog. AND for godsake, PLEASE don't suggest to Roger he is losing his mind. This evening he said, "I know I will probably eventually lose my mind or have issues but I'm not there YET." Soooooo, please don't ask him. Please don't challenge him. Hell, I'm his wife and I LOVE to be right...and I don't even get to correct him.
While we are on the subject of Roger (ok, so he's the subject of the whole blog, duh), and if I'm asking you for favors. I'll ask for a few more. 1) When you see or talk to Roger, please don't make his cancer all there is about him. He commented about that tonight as well. Thats not to say you can't ask him how he is or recognize how much this sucks. Roger simply doesn't want to be defined by his illness. If you previously talked to him about boats or cars or whatever before....than you should still be able to talk to him about that now. And, 2) If you spend time with Roger in person, please please please recognize he gets tired. He will try to stand and talk for hours on end but will start to lean against the wall or a car or whatever to support himself. He's just plain, old worn out and needs to sit down or may need to take a nap. I was talking about this with one of my girlfriends and she said I need to be honest with you and should post this to to blog. There may come times when I interrupt a conversation to suggest everyone sit down in the family room or Roger sit down, or go eat something or whatever. Yah, totally over protective of me....but I have come to know Roger and can read the warning signals.
Roger felt OK today. He did his own thing. I worked. He didn't take as many pain meds as he typically does on a daily basis. So, he considers it an OK day. He has been awake more this evening than I have seen in quite a while and has been engaged in conversation, so I too would consider it an OK day. We'll take OK in a heartbeat!
Happy Friday. Happy coming weekend. xxooxxoo~ r & a
Today I got a small earful from Roger. Apparently a few people have called him and asked or suggested he is "losing his mind". Maybe that has been inferred from my sharing with you here in the blog he has recently lost words or lost a thought mid-stream. I need to set the record straight. Not only for him but for me. Roger is NOT losing his mind. Roger is NOT crazy. Roger is NOT losing it. He has moments where he may lose words or a thought but is perfectly right-minded...or at least as much as anyone can be under the given circumstances. Roger IS functional. He can get around and can do things. Maybe not as much as he used to but he can do things. I share with you the subtlties I see or hear or think I've witnessed. They are just that....subtlties. After hearing about this today, I am taken aback and wonder if I should taper my blogging or maybe even stop. My preference is to continue to share with you our days as they occur but need to caution you, rather beg you to NOT read more into the blog. AND for godsake, PLEASE don't suggest to Roger he is losing his mind. This evening he said, "I know I will probably eventually lose my mind or have issues but I'm not there YET." Soooooo, please don't ask him. Please don't challenge him. Hell, I'm his wife and I LOVE to be right...and I don't even get to correct him.
While we are on the subject of Roger (ok, so he's the subject of the whole blog, duh), and if I'm asking you for favors. I'll ask for a few more. 1) When you see or talk to Roger, please don't make his cancer all there is about him. He commented about that tonight as well. Thats not to say you can't ask him how he is or recognize how much this sucks. Roger simply doesn't want to be defined by his illness. If you previously talked to him about boats or cars or whatever before....than you should still be able to talk to him about that now. And, 2) If you spend time with Roger in person, please please please recognize he gets tired. He will try to stand and talk for hours on end but will start to lean against the wall or a car or whatever to support himself. He's just plain, old worn out and needs to sit down or may need to take a nap. I was talking about this with one of my girlfriends and she said I need to be honest with you and should post this to to blog. There may come times when I interrupt a conversation to suggest everyone sit down in the family room or Roger sit down, or go eat something or whatever. Yah, totally over protective of me....but I have come to know Roger and can read the warning signals.
Roger felt OK today. He did his own thing. I worked. He didn't take as many pain meds as he typically does on a daily basis. So, he considers it an OK day. He has been awake more this evening than I have seen in quite a while and has been engaged in conversation, so I too would consider it an OK day. We'll take OK in a heartbeat!
Happy Friday. Happy coming weekend. xxooxxoo~ r & a
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Stuff stuff stuff
We all have stuff. Some of us have more stuff than others. Some of us have different types of stuff than others. There is physical "stuff", mental "stuff", emotional "stuff" and probably even imaginary "stuff". We have lots and lots of stuff. Roger has tools, and cars, and boat type stuff. I have books, and computers, and clothes and shoes type stuff. Then of course we have a lot of other stuff. This morning we were faced with emotional stuff due to some physical stuff. (I just used the word stuff 13 times in one paragraph! Talent, huh?) Roger received a call first thing this morning from the woman who owns the marina where we have our boat docked. She was calling us because she had not one, but two potential buyers for our boat. Great, right???? Well, Yes and No. With the call and following the call came a torrent of emotions for us both. You see, we KNOW we need to sell the boat and have every intention of selling it....but we also were very much looking forward to enjoying it one last season.
You probably are saying, "So? Don't sell it. What's the big deal-e-o?" Yes, you are right. I said the same thing. Roger so aptly put it, "It could take us several years to sell our boat. And I don't want *you* to have to deal with that. Knowing how long this process could take...you don't just say 'no' to TWO potential buyers." Well, yah, sure. That all makes sense. Good rational thinking. It does NOT however make the hurt in my heart hurt any less. The boat is Roger. There is nothing which embodies him or his spirit as much as the boat. (our house would be a close second) The boat is "our" place. We have always gone there and stress just leaves. Its peaceful. Its...us.... Even as I type that, I also know its just STUFF. Right? Just stuff. Memories can be made anywhere. No matter how many times I say "its just stuff"....the thought of selling it now, makes me sad and makes Roger sad.
The day was relatively quiet for the most part. Roger had to rest a couple times. I worked remotely and I had a doctor's appt. As I was leaving for the appt, Roger called out "have fun". WHAT? What? A) its a doctor's appt...those are NEVER fun, and B) it was the crotch doctor (sorry, Dad. I mean OB/GYN...he thinks my sense of humor is a little off sometimes). Have fun? I promptly told Roger he wasn't funny and left in a huff.
Projects are ticking away. Eric has been helping with the physical projects (stuff) around the house and down at one of our rental properties. We think we MIGHT have a buyer for our second rental. It kinda feels like every time we cross something off the list....another item adds to the top. Roger and I both have different priority levels for the projects. I no sooner move something to the top of the list when I find Roger has de-prioritized it. Ugghhhhh. Classic male female....or rather classic husband wife.
Roger, has been, as is the case so many nights napping most of the evening this evening. When he wakes briefly, we've been talking about the boat, about the trip to England, about our cat, and then about nothing at all.
Roger's skin on his head is finally starting to look a little (LITTLE) less angry. He is now faced with the ever familiar itch after a really bad sunburn. We are still putting burn cream on his head 3 times a day. This morning when I was patting the cream all around his head, a bit of skin flaked off his head and fell onto his t-shirt. We both paused for a startled moment. He said, "oops, I think that was some of my head." I responded with an involuntary, "eeeewwwww." And then we both just giggled. Ok, so we're not "right" . What's new. We have to laugh at life's little moments even if those moments are a little creepy or wildly inappropriate. :-)
xxooxx, a & r
You probably are saying, "So? Don't sell it. What's the big deal-e-o?" Yes, you are right. I said the same thing. Roger so aptly put it, "It could take us several years to sell our boat. And I don't want *you* to have to deal with that. Knowing how long this process could take...you don't just say 'no' to TWO potential buyers." Well, yah, sure. That all makes sense. Good rational thinking. It does NOT however make the hurt in my heart hurt any less. The boat is Roger. There is nothing which embodies him or his spirit as much as the boat. (our house would be a close second) The boat is "our" place. We have always gone there and stress just leaves. Its peaceful. Its...us.... Even as I type that, I also know its just STUFF. Right? Just stuff. Memories can be made anywhere. No matter how many times I say "its just stuff"....the thought of selling it now, makes me sad and makes Roger sad.
The day was relatively quiet for the most part. Roger had to rest a couple times. I worked remotely and I had a doctor's appt. As I was leaving for the appt, Roger called out "have fun". WHAT? What? A) its a doctor's appt...those are NEVER fun, and B) it was the crotch doctor (sorry, Dad. I mean OB/GYN...he thinks my sense of humor is a little off sometimes). Have fun? I promptly told Roger he wasn't funny and left in a huff.
Projects are ticking away. Eric has been helping with the physical projects (stuff) around the house and down at one of our rental properties. We think we MIGHT have a buyer for our second rental. It kinda feels like every time we cross something off the list....another item adds to the top. Roger and I both have different priority levels for the projects. I no sooner move something to the top of the list when I find Roger has de-prioritized it. Ugghhhhh. Classic male female....or rather classic husband wife.
Roger, has been, as is the case so many nights napping most of the evening this evening. When he wakes briefly, we've been talking about the boat, about the trip to England, about our cat, and then about nothing at all.
Roger's skin on his head is finally starting to look a little (LITTLE) less angry. He is now faced with the ever familiar itch after a really bad sunburn. We are still putting burn cream on his head 3 times a day. This morning when I was patting the cream all around his head, a bit of skin flaked off his head and fell onto his t-shirt. We both paused for a startled moment. He said, "oops, I think that was some of my head." I responded with an involuntary, "eeeewwwww." And then we both just giggled. Ok, so we're not "right" . What's new. We have to laugh at life's little moments even if those moments are a little creepy or wildly inappropriate. :-)
xxooxx, a & r
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