Good bye 2011....Welcome 2012

WARNING:  I'm (we are) filled with all kinds of mixed emotions tonight.  Not really sure what direction the blog post will head.  We're sitting here ringing in the New Year.  Happy to kick 2011 in the ass out the door and welcome 2012 with open arms.

As is the case every year on New Year's Eve, I'm filled with optimism and high hopes for the coming year.  Usually loads and loads of resolutions.  Some resolutions are met over the following 12 months and some are carry-overs to the following year.  My hopes for the New Year have simplified over the last two years....Get Roger happy and healthy.  That's it.  Honestly, thats it. 

I've spent the last couple days replaying 2011 and it leaves me shaking my head.  Thats all I seem to be able to do. Hell, even 2010 leaves me shaking my head.  We'll stay with 2011.  We started the year with Roger feeling badly and losing weight...nearly evaporating before my eyes.  He had the gallbladder attack (and subsequent gallbladder removed) and pancreas issues in February.  June was the diagnosis that cancer had returned and spread and that was when we both stopped breathing. That's when all carefree moments fled our lives.  Chemo started on July 6 and has continued non-stop ever since.  12 very short and yet 12 very long months passed.  There were days when time stood still and other days that melted into the next.  At the risk of sounding like my parents, where does time go? 

Do we ever get do-overs?  I know as a kid you'd always yell out "DO OVER".  My do over?  Gosh, I'd have to start 10 years ago and see that Roger had heart burn which probably ultimately led to the esophageal cancer.  In that do-over I would have pushed for changing our diet and drinking less and taking better care of ourselves.  Chances are Roger would have looked at me like I had three heads and ignored most of what I said (see, time doesn't change everything! he still does that!!) but the beauty of a "do-over" is that you are equipped with additional knowledge and thus better able to do it over....better. In the do-over, I'd try to embrace more of Roger's "chill" attitude to life and make sure we were traveling every minute we could.  I'd make sure our do over included more moments with family and friends.  And I'd make sure we spent as many minutes dancing as we possibly could. 

So, that's 10 years ago.  My do-over for 2 years would include a magic wand.  I'd waive it.  NO cancer.  The test results would reveal Roger had Barretts Esophagus...but no cancer.  And that diagnosis would have allowed us sufficient time to change diets, behavior, exercise, etc.  My do-over would include spending more time on our boat, holding hands all the time, laughing all the time, more intimate moments, staying up late and sleeping in late, hanging out with family and friends.  My do-over wouldn't include needles, doctors, nurses.  No hospitals.  No fear.  No broken hearts.  My do-over would include a happy Roger full of laughter and love and the simple ease of life he has always exemplified. 

I'm officially claiming an early do-over for 2012.  DO-OVER.  I know there is no magic wand. So, our do-over will have to be within the confines of reality.  We are going to focus on an increased quality of life.  As much laughter and love as we can squeeze out of each day.  As much company with family and friends as we possibly can.  No deadlines.  No timelines.  The focus is on each day as it comes.  That's it.

With the approach of the new year, I moved to the sofa to sit with Roger and, of course, steal a New Year's kiss. As we sat there watching the ball drop on TV and listening to the revelers cheering and celebrating the coming New Year in TimeSquare, it was as if the room went completely still.  The clock struck midnight and we shared a perfect kiss.  No others around to celebrate with us (well, ok the cats...but they probably don't count).  As we kissed, quiet tears slid down both of our faces.  Quiet tears.  We finally got our act together, dried up the water works and watched a couple more performers on TV.  We both have been laughing as we remember all the times we might have had too much to drink which resulted in some really bad no-rythym dancing and staying out way too late.  As a slow song came on the screen, I asked my hubby to dance with me here in the  center of our family room. Another perfect moment in life for me.

Its tough to look back.  There are so many moments we have shared over the last year that we don't speak of.  Too raw.  Too real.   Suffice to say, good bye 2011.  Hello lovely 2012.  Please be good to us.

This week ranks as one of the toughest we've had in a very long time.  Roger shared with me that Tuesday ranked as the third all time worst day.  First was the day he had the complications from his surgery and ended up on the ventilator, second was the day he had pancreatitis from his gallbladder attack, and then this past Tuesday.  As I mentioned earlier in the week, he had intestinal issues and kidney stones on top of the chemo aftermath.  Not fair.  Not, right.  He finally passed the stone this morning.  And, I kid you NOT, the stone was almost the size of my pink finger nail.  When Roger showed it to me, it made me light headed as I tried to imagine the pain he experienced.  Seriously, insane to even think about it. 

Roger has decided after this most hellacious of weeks that he is going to stop chemo.  Even though he only has two more treatments, we both have decided his poor system cannot handle any more.  Its a tough decision, but the right decision.  Quality of life.  Quality of Life.  So, we are looking forward to the good days to start flowing as the chemo exits his system. Going forward he'll have regular blood tests and scans to track the cancer.  If the tumors come back,  then we'll revisit the thought of chemo and what he wants to do.  But for now, we are both content with no more chemo.  We will discuss with Dr. B when  see him in a couple weeks. 

So, that's all I have for you tonight. I'm happy to have my husband here with me and am happy to be ringing a new year. The raw emotion from sending 2011 out the door will subside with the start of a new year.

Happy New Year to all.  Love your people.  Enjoy life.  Get your check ups with your doctor.  And be good to yourself. 

We love you all.  A & R