A little more time to breathe

Sorry for such a short disjointed post Wednesday evening. I've got a little more time on my side this evening and thought I'd try to post again.  As I type, Roger is upstairs....cleaning... Its all very unsettling.  He gets these rare, random wild hairs to clean and then sets about to the point of exhaustion.  The unsettling part of him cleaning today is that I've declared I wasn't going to do anything all day as a small reward for the past couple tough weeks...and I wanted to hang out with him.  We went to an early afternoon movie...but now...he's upstairs cleaning bathrooms!  I guess its a good sign he feels better and wants to clean but somehow it is disturbing and conjuring up all this guilt that I should get up and clean.  Ugh. 

Roger is, as you can tell, feeling a little better.  He has been working on a couple projects around the house.  He also consulted on a large project related to the Super Bowl for the karting center.  Its nice to see him up and active.  My concern throughout is simply that he'll over do it.  I know he really wants "get back at it" and regain some sort of normalcy...I just wish he'd try to ease into it as opposed to driving 20 miles over the speed limit and then crashing into the wall of exhaustion.  It takes every ounce of my controlling, protective self to not nag him to sit down, have something to eat, have something to drink.  Every ounce.  Sometimes I feel like NOT saying something takes more energy than saying something.  Life is all about patience.  Some days you have more patience.  Other days....

Ok - so I have another funny for you.  Earlier this week, I was buzzing around in the morning trying to get myself ready, gather up all my work-stuff, check on Roger and get out the door at a reasonable time.  With my arms loaded down & coffee in hand I made my way towards the back door.  I had an obstacle course of shoes and cats to navigate as I tried to get out the door to the back porch.  After managing to make it out the door and safely standing on the back porch while turning toward the car, I shut the door behind me.  I then stood on the back porch and stomped my feet up and down while swearing under my breath.  CRAP CRAP CRAP!  Once again, in less than a week, I locked myself out of the house!  CRAP CRAP CRAP.  No house keys, no car keys.  But hey, I had everything else I could possibly hold in my arms and hands.  I peered in the house at the cats staring at me from the other side of the door.  I'm pretty convinced they were thinking "dumbass".  So, I put everything down, quickly ate a piece of humble pie, dug out my cell phone and called my hubby who had undoubtedly already fallen back to sleep.  A sleepy Roger answered with a groggy "yesssss" .  I explained my "situation" and meekly asked him to crawl out of the toasty bed to let me back in the house.  He replied with "no, I learned from the last time you did this.  I have hidden a key...just in case".  My response?  "hmmmm, I guess you think you're pretty smart".  His response "yep, dork".  My response?  "you're right.  See you this afternoon".   Seriously,  whathehell???  Two times in less than one week????  Guess I had too much on my mind or Alzheimer's has decided to make an early appearance. 

Roger has a couple more doctor appointments before the month is done with his pain management doctor and physical therapist.  Once he knocks those out, we are going to make plans to send him south.  As we were talking about this, he very sweetly said   "I don't need to go. Winter has been pretty mild and I really don't want to go with out you."  Warmed my heart immediately.  We'll figure out some way of getting him to the sun and warmth and me planning strategic trips down.  Trying to get the best of both worlds. 

Roger says he's trying to step up the eating.  I asked him how he did yesterday and was told "that's all I did, all day".  Hmmmm, not sure that I'm buying it.  At least he has more of an appetite.  His weight is back down as of the meeting with his oncologist this week.  He's hovering at 140.  Basically, skin and bones.  He asks me to give him back rubs and rub his extremities.  Every time I feel like I might break him when I touch him.  So, food is a priority. 

Cold temps are still an issue for Roger.  I often find him at the kitchen sink with his hands under hot water trying to get the tingling to stop.  Multiple layers are the standard.   We're hoping the frigged temps leave and the milder temps return.  Cross your fingers.

Have a great evening.  love, Angie and Roger