Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Conflicted.  I was conflicted today.  It all started when I woke up and looked out the window to see white stuff on the ground and more white stuff falling from the sky. SNOW!!!!!  Hello!!!  SNOW!!!  Oh happy day!!!  And here is where the conflict comes in...I love snow but in the same breath I know how much Roger hates snow (even when he feels good).  Even though I was overwhelmed with the same joy a kid feels with the first snow of the season,  I tempered my elation with a somber, "oh bummer, it looks like it snowed".  Inside? I was jumping around.  SNOW!  YIPPEE!! YAHOO!! SNOW!!  First snow of the season, come on....you gotta love it.  And the beauty of this snow is that came and "left" all in the same day.  You can barely tell it snowed if you look out the window now.

Had I known how the day would unfold, I would have played around in the snow a little this morning to soak up the simple moment of joy.  When I left for work this morning, Roger was just starting to stir.  The outlook was undetermined.  Part of our daily routine prior to me leaving is to ask a series of questions to try to gauge how Roger is doing:  how do you feel?  did you sleep?  do you feel better or at least less bad than yesterday?  do you need an anti-nausea pill?  painkiller?  do you want me to get breakfast (McDonalds...of course) for you before I go to the office?  So I ran through the same series of questions.  The general sense was that Roger was maybe, just maybe, feeling a little less bad.  And so, I took a deep breath, sighed a small sigh of relief and headed out the door.  I called in to check on him mid-morning.  He didn't sound good.  He said he was starting to feel badly again but did manage to eat breakfast, and even had a mid morning snack.  As I tried to grill him with more questions to drill down what he was feeling, the responses became shorter and snippier.  Ok, ok, I can take a hint.  SHUT UP.  He said he was going to try to sleep.  We would talk later. 

"Later" came mid-afternoon when my weak, puny hubby called and said he wasn't doing well and wondered if I could come home.  Apparently he started having terrific abdominal and intestinal pain and was weak.  As is often the case when he has terrible kidney and intestinal pain, he thought taking a hot bath might help.  Not this time.  He had no relief and then was faced with the fact he froze when getting out of the tub. He said he nearly passed out trying to get out of the tub.  By the time I got home, I found him huddled under three blankets in bed with a tiny voice, in tremendous discomfort. I quickly turned on the heating pad and put it under the covers on his feet, and then I crawled onto the bed next to him.  After snugging him in and then myself settling in next to him, I proceeded to slowly...gently ask about the afternoon and what had happened, and what he was feeling, and where the pain was.  As he relaxed and finally warmed up, some of the pain slowly started to reduce.  I was prepared to rush him off to the emergency room.  He wanted to wait for a little while before going to the ER.  Happily, Roger started to feel some relief.  So, we did not go to the ER. 

Roger has since climbed out of bed and is now downstairs sitting opposite me on the sofa.  We are infusing him with fluids so that a) he doesn't get dehydrated and feel crappy-er, and b) so that if he is passing kidney stones....he doesn't run out of pee (how's that for graphic).  If you run out of pee when you are passing a stone....it (the stone) can get um, well it can get stuck.  NOT good.  He is definitely in the process of passing stones again so this is a real concern.

The moral to the story is that you never let your guard down with cancer/chemo.  Its a little daunting but is less so if you can keep your edge and stand "ready"  at all times.  Don't get me wrong, I'll still be making snow angels when there is enough snow....enjoy those little moments of joy.  I'll just do it with a "ready" mind in case things change rapidly on the home front. 

Tomorrow Roger has blood tests.  They always draw blood a week after chemo to see how his system is handling the chemo. I don't need any darn test to tell me how his system is handling chemo... POORLY.  I imagine his white and red blood cells must be whacked.   We'll talk to the nurses while at the oncology center to get their thoughts on the past 5 days.  Hopefully they or the doctor will be able to give us some insight as to what is happening.  Will keep you posted.

xxooxx ~ a