Super Bowl!

Indy is upside down inside out, all spruced up for the big event.  SUPER BOWL!!!  I don't have a dog in this hunt, so I don't really care who wins.  Its just interesting to see the event unfold. Roger and I have talked about going downtown to walk the "super bowl village" and take in all festivities and all the energy.  Tonight was the night.  The weather even cooperated. Today's temps 60 degrees!!!  holymoly, don't tell the weather gods that its actually February.  Here are a few pics.  Even though I've been grousing about what a pain in the ass the logistics have been downtown for those of us who work downtown....its actually pretty cool, all things considered.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'll be back to my normal bitching about the traffic, increased security measures (police cars are actually sniffing cars in our parking garage!), etc tomorrow.  But for now, its pretty cool.  Here are a few pictures from the evening.  Downtown was positively buzzing with people.  At one point I said to Roger, "its a good thing we are old and boring.  If we were younger, we would stay out in this party atmosphere and drink too much and eat too much and stay out way tooooooo late.  Yah!  We're OLD!!!"  Ok, what I said may have been dripping in sarcasm but there

 was an element of truth.  Hangovers SUCK when you are over 40 , so yippee skippee , no hangovers for us!

  Anyway, it was good fun and nice to get out of the house and walk around in warm-ish temps with tens of thousands of our new best friends.

Nothing much has happened on this end. Roger hasn't felt great. Today was really the first day in several when he felt decent.  He even drove down to the boat for the day and drove back.  The impact of not feeling well is hard on him (and me).  And, honestly has made us both more reflective...not light bouncing off of us reflective but thoughts rattling around in our heads reflective.  I don't have any amazing "ohmygod" revelations for you.  If anything, all these thoughts rattling around is exhausting!  You never really have brain-mush moments of no thought.  There is always something out there. 

Last night, in between yawns, I said to Roger "I just don't know why I am sooooo tired. ((yawn, yawn, yawn))".  He responded, "well maybe because you are constantly going and maybe because you are constantly worrying about me. I'm so sorry this has happened and you have had to deal with all of this and take care of me ".  I just shook my head...silly man.  There is no place I would rather be than with Roger. No other place. Good or bad. And so, I told him.  Sure, if I could wave a magic wand and make him well all over again, I absolutely would but only so he wouldn't have any pain.  I told him I was the Energizer Bunny and he didn't have to worry...though we may have to buy a gross of energy drinks and vitamin B-6 and B-12.   I'll be wired for sound and bouncing off every wall in sight.  Weeeeeeee.

g'nite. love, a&r

There are different types of down days for us...for Roger.  The obvious type... physical "down" days where your whole system hurts.  Bones, stomach, chest, spine,everything.  Then there are the not-so-obvious mental "down" days which may include a physical element or may be purely mental.  Yesterday turned out to be a mental down day.  I think there may have been a physical element to it as well but never really had a chance to explore.

See, there is a fine balance which must be struck (and rarely is) between asking too much and not enough.  How are you feeling? How are you doing?  What hurts where?  Did you have a good day? What did you eat?  Did you go out?  Its all a balancing act.  There is a baseline of info that I always try to secretly maintain just related to health.  Then there is all the gotta-get-out-and-live questions to make sure Roger isn't holed up on the sofa sinking into a dark hole.  And, the other bit of balancing is trying not to insinuate with all these stupid questions that you  (the patient) should be out there "doing" something if you don't feel up to it.   The proverbial "did you have a good day" somehow just doesn't fit in our house anymore.

So, I came home last night around 5:30 to find Roger sprawled out on the sofa.  I had called 30 minutes earlier and he said he was napping.  I didn't have a chance to explore if he felt poorly or was just tired.  When I got home, I settled into my routine.  Changed out of work clothes, pour a drink, sift through the mail, feed the cats, and mentally start thinking about something that I think will sound remotely yummy for Roger for dinner.  Roger was initially a little chatty but then got quieter and more sullen and sank deeper into the sofa.  I tried to chat it up a little but after being barked at a couple times I decided to be patient.  So we ordered pizza, ate some, and watched stupid tv.  I pulled the puzzle board out and worked on the puzzle while patiently waiting to see if conversation would evolve.  As the evening wore on, emotions began to trickle out. So, I quietly pushed the puzzle board back under the sofa.  I got up, crawled behind Roger on the sofa, wrapped my legs around him from behind, wrapped my arms behind him from behind, and pulled him into me.  And quietly, so quietly let the emotions run their course.  I'm still not sure if it was a gray gloomy day, if it was physically feeling bad, if it was emotionally feeling bad or a combination of all three.  The only "fix" I could offer was human touch which doesn't fix anything but sure can help a pained heart.  A deep, soulful hug, or better yet sinking into the arms of someone you trust.  After a while, TV got more engaging or maybe the "emotional distractions" got less "distracting.   A little conversation returned.  I rubbed his back and legs and feet to help counter the tingling "icy" feeling he always has.  And then the evening returned to our version of normal.  Watching stupid TV until about midnight and then I surrendered and ushered us off to bed. 

Reboot.  Start all over.  Its a new day.  And hopefully off to a better start simply because of the fact the ever illusive sun has decided to make an appearance.  Roger is still in bed.  I just went up to check on him. I briefly crawled into bed behind him to squeeze his buns (nothing xrated on this end, don't worry!).  The sun was peaking into the bedroom and glowing across the pillows.  I told him he was missing a rare sighting and should at least crack his eyes open to appreciate what will most likely be a fleeting moment....I'm back downstairs and Roger is still in bed...

True confession:  (only because its on in the background) One of my all time, most favorite-make-me-laugh movies is the animated movie (yes, kids' movie), "Ice Age" .  Roger even laughs when he sees it.  I don't care how many times I watch it, I laugh and maybe even cry at the sad moments. 

Anyway, get out and enjoy your day.  Have some fun on our behalf.  We're gonna try to do the same ourselves but probably on a much reduced scale.  hugs, a

The ride continues

I've called this ride with cancer something akin to a roller coaster.  I don't know if that totally fits.  Maybe its more of a tilt-a-whirl , amusement ride that spins around violently while the floor drops out (along with your stomach).  Or maybe its a combination of both.  One minute you're having fun and the next minute your stomach or rather its contents are making their way out of your body onto the sidewalk.  blech!

Roger has had a few good days, and more bad days.  Up down up down.  On the good days, as you've read previously, he's been up and at it trying to knock out projects and "stuff".  He's silly and pleasant and engaged in life.  Conversation will flow about politics, news events, etc.  On those bad days, well, its the same ol' same ol' ...napping or sitting quietly with his eyes shut, minimal conversation, and little to no movement.  Limited conversation and a whole lotta growling. 

Sleep is impossible as always for Roger. He sleeps for 1-2 hours, then wakes up and sits up for 15-20 minutes, then lays back down to repeat the cycle for the rest of the night.  Very rarely does he make it more than 2 hours sleeping before waking up.  Its fitful to say the least. 

His appetite seems to slowly be returning.  So, he is nibbling more and trying to make more of a concerted effort to eat. I haven't asked his weight recently.  I'm afraid he's going to announce he weighs less than me!  He's all skin and bones and bones and skin. 

We're looking forward to the weekend.  No real plans at the moment.  Hopefully just a couple good days.

Have a groovy Friday. ~a

Not much to say

Not much to say.

Just not much to say.

I've been sitting here trying to think of something to say and I just don't have anything. 

I've had a tough day.  Roger has had a rough evening.  We are both exhausted and just zapped physcially and emotionally.  So, the Wethingtons are sitting in silence listening to the Republican Debate.  Even THAT isn't getting a rise out of either of us.  Generally either party's debates will get us fire up.  Nope, not tonight.  

So, not much to say.  Sorry.  ~a & r

Chirp chirp chirp

That's all I've heard most of the weekend.  Chirp chirp chirp from Roger, a.k.a Chatty Charlie.  HolyMoly.  I didn't fully realize HOW quiet it truly has been for the past several months....until the past three days which have been non-stop (slight exaggeration) talk from Roger.  There were a couple times today and over the weekend when I caught myself looking at Roger and thinking "Geeeez, he sure can talk!  Who IS this guy?"  My brain was tired from trying to keep up.  You see, with the increased conversation came an onslaught of new project ideas, new business ideas, etc.  It makes me laugh to even think about it now! 

The day was a nice, "normal" day.  We went to brunch at one of our former regular Sunday haunts.  Then ran errands including a trip to the pet store for more fish.  I think it might have been better for Roger to have soloed this errand himself. I about passed out when I found out how much the fish cost that he wanted.   The little blue slimy thing while pretty (as pretty as a fish can be) had a whole bunch of $$$$ attached to it.  The reason we went to the pet store was actually to RETURN a fish we have had  purchased there a year ago.  Now don't get the wrong idea, we weren't returning a dead fish.  The little bastard was alive.  It was just mean as hell.  It attacked all the fish in our tank and was a regular bully.  The fish place told Roger he could bring it back if we decided we didn't want it any more.  This afternoon after much conversation, we decided our tank of torture might actually be better as a tank of peace if the black little scaly beast was gone.  So, we spent 30 minutes (literally) chasing the monster around the tank trying to catch him.  FINALLY, when we both were about ready for a nervous breakdown we caught it.  With our ziplock bag of water and fish-the-bully, we headed off to the fish place.  As we were driving Roger said what I had been thinking, "You know.  I kinda feel bad about returning him.  Its like we are kicking out a family member.  The poor guy is going to be banished in the mean fish tank."  It really was too funny that we both were thinking this...about...a....FISH.

As I mentioned before, I'm not going to jinx us so I'm not going to comment whether or not today was a good day or a bad day.  I'll just leave you with a smile  :-)

Its temporarily quiet since Roger is dozing on the sofa across from me.  I'm going to nudge him and shuffle us both up to bed.  g'nite. luv, a

Oh happy day

Oh happy day. Ohhh happy day.  Oh happy day.  (I'm humming that song while typing this)......

Our friend Julie came up from Louisville yesterday and spent the night.  We actually had a "normal" human night like a lot of people do.  The three of us went out to dinner at a great little local independent restaurant. There were loads of laughs, good "comfort" food, a few drinks for Julie and me.  Roger ate more than I have seen him eat in a long time.  It was just a really nice "normal" evening that was borderline... carefree. We stayed up waaaay too late. As the clock struck 1:00 a.m., I announced to the two chatty cathys that I couldn't stay up any longer.  They followed suit and we all shuffled off to bed.  The night was a typical night for Roger (which isnt a great one)...up constantly, pain/discomfort so he slept in later than Julie and I did.  Julie and I got up around 7:00 and continued the stream of chatting as though we had never stopped. 

Julie left around noon.  Which left us with the question, nap or deal with snow?  I was voting for nap...might mouse, Roger, voted for snow and jumped up to start the layering up process.  I heaved a sigh and shuffled off to put on my boots.  Roger got the snow blower out and did our driveway and back courtyard.  I did the driveway and walks for the old gal across the street.  After about 30-45 minutes with pink, cold wet noses we put away the shovel and snow blower.  We quickly assessed our work and then hustled his frozen skinny butt and my not-so-skinny frozen butt indoors.  And, we haven't budged since.  He's been napping on and off and I've been reading and working on the computer. 

Agenda tomorrow could be house projects, could be a movie, could be the Home and Garden Show or could be quiet time on the sofa. The course of action is dependent on how Roger is doing.  We'll see....

hugs to all, a

I recently gave a speech for work.  The introduction I used referenced music.  I'll spare you all the boring details but jump to the main point of the introduction... I think music resonate with us all.  Tonight, I heard the song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and immediately flashed back with a smile and warm feeling to the first time I met Roger.  It was over 25 years ago.  I was working with my dad in the office supply store we had just opened.  I think the store had only been open a couple months.  Roger came in one afternoon.  I honestly don't remember what he came in to purchase.  All I remember is that he came in.  Dad was out calling on potential customers so I was manning the store.  Roger and I chatted it up for a while. He bought something (I don't know what) and then left.  As he walked out the door and down the sidewalk, I peeked out the window to look after him.  And of course as my luck would have it....Roger turned to catch me mid-stare.  BUSTED!  Once we started dating, Roger of course called me out for "checking him out".  My simple reply, "I was NOT checking you out.  It wasn't YOU.  I was checking out your car."  Many years later when we started dating again (I took a small detour) and were much more serious, I gave Roger a ring that was inscribed with "It wasn't you."   To this day, I tell him it wasn't him and am met with "Suuurrrrreeee." Anyway, a long story to tell you how a song brought back a memory about the first time I saw Roger's face. 

Here's the scoop today.  I'm NOT going to jinx us so I am NOT going to talk about good days and I'm NOT going to talk about bad days. I'm NOT going to tell you how Roger did or didn't feel.    I'll merely describe the day's events as I know them and you can draw your own conclusion about good or bad.  When I left this morning, Roger was sitting up cross legged in bed, melted over into a ball asleep.  Later in the afternoon, I called him to check in.  He was out running errands, went to the karting center to check in, went to the hardware store, went to the pet store to get stuff for our salt water fish tank.  He had already had lunch when I called (two meals down!).  Then when I got home this evening he was in full-steam-ahead mode.  Hanging a closet door, hanging trim on a couple doorways.  Up and down stairs repeatedly chasing tools. Going out to the garage to saw pieces of wood.   Each trip outside layering up with coat and nanook hat.  You name it and he was doing it. Hell, I was exhausted just *watching* him let alone trying to follow along to lend a hand whenever he needed one. And, all the while he was chatting it up.   Dinner was later than I like but he was in full mode of working on projects and did not want to be disturbed.  Do Do Do.  Go Go Go.  He was a tall, skinny, chatty, mighty mouse. 

OK...that's all I'm gonna say.  Draw your own conclusions. 

Tonight Roger referenced the proverbial Bucket list.  Not that its a must-do-now list but just a general bucket list (we both liked the movie when it first came out).  He mentioned the Summer Olympics and asked "Is that a Bucket List thing?" , with my head crooked sideways, I said it would be cool but he had to decide what his "list" was.  I did weigh in that I dont remember him watching much of the summer Olympics and instead that I saw him wanting to got to a Formula One race in Europe or Asia.   He thought for a minute and then agreed.  So, I don't think the summer Olympics will be on the agenda...but maybe Le Mans or some other open wheel race outside the US.  Also related to racing, we (my parents and I) got Roger and my brother Alan a three-lap ride in a two-seat Indy Car around the Indianapolis 500 Motor Speedway this summer! Should be a blast.  I would most likely puke if it were me...the two of them however are TOTALLY thrilled.  Big Boys. Big Toys. 

WISHING YOU ALL A FAB WEEKEND.  xxooxxoo ~ a & r

Another quiet day

We have had several very quiet days.  Roger just hasn't felt well. And its so freakin' frustrating and discouraging for him (and me).  Over the last 48 hours Roger has said repeatedly, "I am so tired of feeling badly.  I have so many things I want to get done and I just can't do it right now.  When am I going to feel better?".  And with a helpless look, I can only remind him   "It takes time for your good cells to recover from all the chemo.  Dr Birhirray said it could take a couple months for the wake of the chemo to clear. I know its not much comfort because it seems like a million years away but the good days WILL come."  Usually I receive "the look" in response along with a grunt or no comment whatsoever. 

Roger met with his pain management doctor today. The doctor has ordered more tests.  And a new prescription for a different version of ambien to help with sleep.  None of this medical-stuff is black and white which is pretty frustrating for a black and white person like me.  Hopefully the scans will shed some light and the ambien will help Roger sleep.  A full solid night's sleep has been virtually unheard of for the last 8 months....hell, for the last 2 years.  So standard protocol for Roger is to grab cat naps (with a cat usually)
whenever he can to help with the exhaustion. 

The cold temps are chilling him to the bones.  He constantly has his hands under the kitchen faucet running hot water to warm his hands, or is sitting under multiple blankets, electric blankets (yes we have several), heating pads (yes, we have several), or he takes hot baths. I've told him to carry a cat around with him.  The little beasts are four-legged walking furnaces.  Heaven knows Earl the Fat cat has enough insulation for Roger and himself. 

Well, the clock keeps ticking as the new day fast approaches.  I hope to report Roger is feeling better tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed.  G'nite. 

Despite overflowing optimism...Roger had back to back bad days Sunday and today.  Rough nights, vomiting, and a general inability to get comfortable.  So basically, he "checked out" for the past two days and either rested on the sofa or in bed.  Two quiet days.  You never can predict.  I'm starting to think we are jinxing ourselves when we expect good days.  We need to go into each day planning for the worse and then be happily surprised when the random good day makes an appearance.  Sounds counter-intuitive.  I guess all of life is about managing expectations. 

I don't have much else for you.  The weekend was otherwise very domestic...cleaning house, doing laundry, watching the random nasty reality TV.   What a wild couple we have become!  We did manage to get a walk in this evening as the temperatures finally warmed up to the upper 40's!!  Heat wave!!!!!!!

Roger has another doctor's appt this week.  Once he gets all these appointments knocked out, we'll start making plans for sending him to warmer parts.  I think we are going to try to get away for a small vacation to try to reconnect away from all this health care stuff and maybe have a little fun in the process.  We haven't decided where at this point...and obviously we need to play it by ear depending on how Roger is feeling. 

Have a great week.  I look forward to sharing more as the week progresses.  xxooxxo ~ a

To write or not to write?

The other night Roger declared "we should write a book together".  Huh??????????????   Ok, where did THAT come from???  Roger doesn't even like reading.  After recovering from shock, I said "what do you want to write about?" Meanwhile trying to disguise any evidence of shock from my face.   And he came back with a blank stare and said "I don't know".  Whew, dodged a bullet!!!  A couple hours later (apparently after stewing on the subject), he came back with "how about something like a Harry Potter with cancer?" (what?!?).  He said we should write about something we know.   Agreed.  It would be ridiculous for either one of us to write about a Russian ballerinas.   Ok, so I took the idea and probed with a couple more questions.  "what do you envision happening to Harry Potter with cancer?  Does he figure out a cure?"  the response I received from Roger with a laugh was "What?!?!?  No.  That's not realistic.  A cure for cancer?  Really.   A wizard or vampires are more likely than a cure for cancer."     Funny but not funny.  So, I guess we'll keep thinking about a theme and plot.

Well, it was officially a good day...or as much as we can say it was a good day.  Numerous projects were completed.  At one point late the in afternoon, Roger said he was going to take a short nap.  I was working in the office filing bills, etc.  I would randomly look in the bedroom to see how he was doing.  He seemed to be thrashing around quite a bit.  After about 45 min I went into the bedroom to see what was up because he was obviously awake.  I asked if he was ok and he replied, "yes, no pain in my chest.  I now have pain in my shoulder.  How amazing is that?!  I'm not uncomfortable or in pain because of the usual stuff...I'm uncomfortable or in pain because I've overdone it on my shoulder and its hurting from overuse!"  I had to stop and smile and just walked away while shaking my head.  Its the little things in life.

We met up with Roger's sister and her husband this evening to walk the RV show (I hope no one passed out after reading that).  No, we are not turning into campers. Roger's version of camping is RedRoof Inn or Motel 8.  He is NOT a camper.  His sister and her hubby have purchased an RV and plan on traveling the US and Canada for the next year or two.  We agreed to tag along for the event with the purpose of walking.  Since its been so blinking cold we haven't been able to get out and walk much.  Heated, covered convention halls are the perfect way of doing it.  I'm happy to report we walked a ton, crawled up and down stairs into a b'zillion RVs.. AND we managed to make it home without buying a thing except for convention center food. Nutrition at its best...corn dogs, beer, soft serve ice cream and sugared nuts...see?  nutrition!

I'm so happy to report it really was an OK day.  Not carefree (those days are gone) but honestly, it was an OK day.  Roger's personality is coming back.  Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Its burrrrrr freezing here.  Weather woman just announced 17 degrees presently and dropping to 12 degrees.  BURRRRRRRRRRRRR.  BURRRRRRRRRRR.  BURRRRRRRRR.     Hope you are all snugged in for the weekend.  Its a chilly one.  love and hugs to all ~~ a & r

A little more time to breathe

Sorry for such a short disjointed post Wednesday evening. I've got a little more time on my side this evening and thought I'd try to post again.  As I type, Roger is upstairs....cleaning... Its all very unsettling.  He gets these rare, random wild hairs to clean and then sets about to the point of exhaustion.  The unsettling part of him cleaning today is that I've declared I wasn't going to do anything all day as a small reward for the past couple tough weeks...and I wanted to hang out with him.  We went to an early afternoon movie...but now...he's upstairs cleaning bathrooms!  I guess its a good sign he feels better and wants to clean but somehow it is disturbing and conjuring up all this guilt that I should get up and clean.  Ugh. 

Roger is, as you can tell, feeling a little better.  He has been working on a couple projects around the house.  He also consulted on a large project related to the Super Bowl for the karting center.  Its nice to see him up and active.  My concern throughout is simply that he'll over do it.  I know he really wants "get back at it" and regain some sort of normalcy...I just wish he'd try to ease into it as opposed to driving 20 miles over the speed limit and then crashing into the wall of exhaustion.  It takes every ounce of my controlling, protective self to not nag him to sit down, have something to eat, have something to drink.  Every ounce.  Sometimes I feel like NOT saying something takes more energy than saying something.  Life is all about patience.  Some days you have more patience.  Other days....

Ok - so I have another funny for you.  Earlier this week, I was buzzing around in the morning trying to get myself ready, gather up all my work-stuff, check on Roger and get out the door at a reasonable time.  With my arms loaded down & coffee in hand I made my way towards the back door.  I had an obstacle course of shoes and cats to navigate as I tried to get out the door to the back porch.  After managing to make it out the door and safely standing on the back porch while turning toward the car, I shut the door behind me.  I then stood on the back porch and stomped my feet up and down while swearing under my breath.  CRAP CRAP CRAP!  Once again, in less than a week, I locked myself out of the house!  CRAP CRAP CRAP.  No house keys, no car keys.  But hey, I had everything else I could possibly hold in my arms and hands.  I peered in the house at the cats staring at me from the other side of the door.  I'm pretty convinced they were thinking "dumbass".  So, I put everything down, quickly ate a piece of humble pie, dug out my cell phone and called my hubby who had undoubtedly already fallen back to sleep.  A sleepy Roger answered with a groggy "yesssss" .  I explained my "situation" and meekly asked him to crawl out of the toasty bed to let me back in the house.  He replied with "no, I learned from the last time you did this.  I have hidden a key...just in case".  My response?  "hmmmm, I guess you think you're pretty smart".  His response "yep, dork".  My response?  "you're right.  See you this afternoon".   Seriously,  whathehell???  Two times in less than one week????  Guess I had too much on my mind or Alzheimer's has decided to make an early appearance. 

Roger has a couple more doctor appointments before the month is done with his pain management doctor and physical therapist.  Once he knocks those out, we are going to make plans to send him south.  As we were talking about this, he very sweetly said   "I don't need to go. Winter has been pretty mild and I really don't want to go with out you."  Warmed my heart immediately.  We'll figure out some way of getting him to the sun and warmth and me planning strategic trips down.  Trying to get the best of both worlds. 

Roger says he's trying to step up the eating.  I asked him how he did yesterday and was told "that's all I did, all day".  Hmmmm, not sure that I'm buying it.  At least he has more of an appetite.  His weight is back down as of the meeting with his oncologist this week.  He's hovering at 140.  Basically, skin and bones.  He asks me to give him back rubs and rub his extremities.  Every time I feel like I might break him when I touch him.  So, food is a priority. 

Cold temps are still an issue for Roger.  I often find him at the kitchen sink with his hands under hot water trying to get the tingling to stop.  Multiple layers are the standard.   We're hoping the frigged temps leave and the milder temps return.  Cross your fingers.

Have a great evening.  love, Angie and Roger

stop the chemo madness

the post will have to be quick tonight.  I've got a big work presentation tomorrow and am behind behind behind on everything.

We went to the oncologist today.  I won't bore you with all the stupid office organization nonesense which included us arriving for a 7:30 am appointment only to find out the necessary nurses were NOT there.  oooohhhhh.  Not the way to start the day.  Anyway.  We eventually saw Dr. B.  Roger's blood work looks good though his white blood cells are low.  We reported to him how badly this last session went and then told Dr. B we didn't want to pursue the last 2 chemo treatments.  He agreed and agreed quality of life important.  It was a strange meeting for both of us.  For me especially in that I'm such a freakin' fighter.  We have attacked this cancer-thing like it was a monster for the last 2 years.  We have continued to try and to try and to try...fight fight fight.  Somehow, someway the decision felt contradictory to everything we have stood for.  Nonetheless, we both have peace (as much as you can about any of this stuff).  Its just a day of mixed emotions.  Dr. B said Roger will have another CT scan in two months.  We'll track how his system is doing and if any tumors return.  Its all a little unnerving...but it is what it is.   In the meantime, its onward and upward to better times and more of a quality of life!!!   Time to get the fun on.   

We asked Dr. B how long (and if) Roger would start to feel better.  He said it takes about 2 months for the "good" cells to fully recover.   The doctor thought Roger would start to feel better slowly but should notice improvement after 30 days and definitely after 60 days.  I've never wished for time to hurry up....but now, knowing we might get him to a new "good" baseline....HURRY UP!!!

So, thats all for now.  I've got more stories but no time for them tonight.  hugs~ a

Its been a couple days since I've posted.  I'd like to report the delay is due to us running night and day on the fun train.  Up early breakfast out at a favorite cafe, then a long walk, then maybe some shopping, then we met friends for lunch, then home to work on projects, then out again for dinner at some yummy restaurants followed by a movie and then a fabulous full night sleep.  That's what I'd like to report.  Nope, not gonna be able to tonight.  It was another down weekend.  We - or rather - ROGER is long overdue for a good day or two or three or four.  Ok, hell, we'll take one at this rate.  Chest pain, back pain, stomach upset, and worn out.  I know you must think I just cut earlier posts and re-post them.  He spent most of the morning until almost noon in bed yesterday and then today has spent the entire day in bed or on the sofa.  He's managing to eat a little bit here and there but not much.  We're having a hard time identifying what the cause is.  In theory the chemo should be reducing in his system.

Roger thinks he may be passing ANOTHER kidney stone.  Holyhell!!!  He's like a walking gravel pit.  Poor guy.  I'll be pushing up on his oncologist to see if he has any theories and if none are identified, we'll be making an appointment at his urologist.  I've been egging Roger on to make an appointment but can't get him to do it.  I think he's maxed out on doctors...and who can blame him!  My dad keeps telling Roger he needs to take all the kidney stones and have them made into some piece of jewelry for me.  Eeeeeewwwwww!!!  NO thank you very much.  Nonetheless, kidney stones really whack his system.  Once he passes the stone, he feels oodles better.  Hopefully, that's the issue this time. 

I have a funny for you tonight.   Early in this morning Roger had come downstairs to try to sleep.  He had had a rough night despite having taken an ambien.  I found him several times rolled up into a ball sitting upright.  So, anyway, he eventually starts to wake up and realizes he feels poorly and that a bath may help.  So, he goes back upstairs to take a bath.  Meanwhile, I'm buzzing around the house.  I had already had a couple cups of way too caffienated coffee (thus the buzzing around).  Showered, check.  Put clean dishes away, check.  Started working on a couple work projects, check.  Meanwhile Roger settled into the tub and was feeling a little relief.  After checking in on him, I decided to take a little break and go outside to see what the commotion was.  You see, the squirrels were chattering away, there were several large black crows crowing away, and an assortment of little birds all chirping away furiously.  I grabbed my phone with the intention of calling my folks to check in. With wet hair, flipflops on my feet and wearing a pair of jeans and sweater, I dashed out the door along with one of the cats.  As I shut the door behind me, I had a moment of clarity in which the words "you are SUCH  a dumbass" immediately rang in my head.  Just as the door latched shut, I remembered the door was LOCKED!!!!  Crap crap crap.  I'm standing outside with wet hair and wearing flipflops, its probably about 40 degrees.  Knowing Roger had had such a bad night, and was feeling so crummy, and was now nestled into the tub, I really didn't want to disturb him. So, I did a few things around the yard tyring to get the blood flowing.  Nope, still starting to feel cold.  I tried to get into one of the cars.  No such luck.  Locked.  I finally got into the garage and found a couple t-shirts and a button down. Looking like a homeless person with tshirts draped over my head, across my shoulders, and across my lap, I plopped onto the porch in the sun and called my parents to share my adventure. After about 15-20 minutes, I called Roger....voicemail.  Then sent a text.  He eventually got out of the tub and realized what had happened meanwhile opening a door for me.  Mom suggested I go have a bunch of keys made and sprinkle them around the yard.  I reassured her this adventure would NOT happen again.  Anyway, the cause of the disturbance which drew me out to the yard turns out to have been a big barn owl in our tree.  Very cool even if I might have frozen.  One word fits...dumbass.  Oh well.

Anyway, the weekend did not go as planned or hoped by any means.  That doesn't mean we won't keep hoping that we have good days/nights/weekends/weeks/months/years.  I guess I shouldn't be greedy.  We'll take 8 straight good hours if we could get those.  Roger is worn out and a smidge discouraged.  He had hopes of doing a bunch of projects...gosh...just doing anything.

My sage words of wisdom and recommendations for you: 1) patience patience patience when it comes to cancer, 2) always have a back up key or two hidden outside, 3) dont go outside in the winter with wet hair, 4) dont go outside in the winter wearing flipflops, and 5) keep a spare blanket stashed in the garage incase you don't follow rules 2-4.

Hope the week is a good one.  hugs n kisses, a & r

A place called Oz

Its not an original title...I'm watching a movie called the Witches of Oz and that was an early line from the movie.  Based on the first several minutes....I'm thinking I've rented a totally cheezzzzeeeeee movie.  Bad bad bad.  I'm going to have to cast a vote to Netflix verses On Demand Movies.  At least Netflix has a rating system.  This movie would not have made the cut!  And this is coming from the queen of patience when it comes to movies and entertainment. 

When I left this morning for work, I wasn't sure how the day would unfold for Roger.  I checked in on him prior to dashing out the door.  Opening the bedroom door I am greeted with the sound of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and look to find Roger sitting cross-legged in bed rolled into a ball with his head resting on his legs.  Mind you there was a point in time where this guy couldn't even dream of ever being this flexible.  I weighed the moment....leave him be or wake him to prevent further issue with his neck and back.  Waking him won out in an effort to mitigate all the pains Roger suffers.  I ran through the gambit of "how are you questions" and then shuffled off downstairs to start my car and take everything out to the car.  As I came back in to grab a cup of coffee, I found Roger now, downstairs. He was up and moving with the goal of getting his butt in gear to go down to the boat. 

So, as I type away tonight I find myself in a different zip code from the star attraction of this blog. Roger is down at the boat.  Well actually as of this very moment, I anticipate he is watching Jon Stewart on cable before falling fast asleep at my folk summer house.  He drove down mid-morning and was able to knock out some of the winterizing projects.  Though I miss him whenever we're apart, I know he is happy to be DOING something and the fact the something is for the boat makes it even better for him. Anywhoooo, he felt well enough to head south so that's a good thing.  We'll get more of an update tomorrow on how he has and is feeling and how he did on his projects.  At minimum, he's up and out of the house!  That's a GREAT thing. 

Ok - I surrender.  My movie selection sucked pond water BAD tonight.  I have surfed every channel on TV to no avail. Even though I love Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report, they aren't making the cut tonight...I was up for a really good sci-fi/fantasy movie.... classic good vs evil and if you can mix in a smidge o' romance...the perfect formula!    Couldn't find anything like that.  So, I'm giving up.  I've got a couple striped, 4-legged heat seekers on the bed with me.  Time to call it a night. Sweet dreams to those of you who like to remember dreams.  For those of you like me, here's to NO dreams (or at least not remembering them).  g'nite. xoxo~ a 

*Sigh*

I know you've heard me say this before, and at the risk of being redundant...we're on a roller coaster.  Up down, upside down, inside out (do roller coasters go inside out? or just your stomach contents?).  Cancer and its "treatment" is a freakin' ride on a nasty roller coaster.  Just when you think you are on the fun part of the ride, the car jumps the tracks and you crash into the wall.  Ok, ok, that may be a little more dramatic than necessary.  I'll simplify.  Thought Roger would have a good day today (yesterday and the day before were decent)....today?  Nope, not a good day.  He said he had pain again and was exhausted and just didn't have any gas in the tank.  HUGE bummer.  We both forget...forgot...just because you have a couple decent days does not mean you are absolutely on the path to endless good days.  Gosh, what a horrible thought to say out loud!!!  Right?  Everyone should always expect to have endless good days with miscellaneous annoyances sprinkled in.  In our case, we almost need to plan for endless "not-so-hot" days and be surprised by the random good days.  And thus the title of today's post....*sigh*.  Somehow, it just doesn't seem right. 

I look at Roger with complete amazement (and frustration sometimes depending on if he's being a bit of a pain in the tush).  He has endured endless pain, discomfort, and life-altering circumstances and every day he keeps stepping up to the plate to take another swing.  We've had friends often say, "I don't know how you do it".  The fact of the matter is that inside all of us is an inner reserve and an extra dose of tenacity which will carry you through the toughest of situations.  And sometimes, that reserve gets a little low.  That's when you crawl under the bed or maybe just under the covers and give yourself a day to recover, replenish, or simply unplug. 

Hopefully Roger will feel better tomorrow.  He has plans to go down to the boat to do a couple last winterizing projects.  If not tomorrow, then maybe Friday.  Temps here in Indy are supposed to be mid to upper 40's which means 5-10 degrees warmer down at the boat. 

A movie is on the agenda one of these evenings or maybe over the weekend.  Sherlock Holmes?  Girl with the Dragon Tattoo?  TinTin?  Makes me laugh to think of the movies we are considering compared to one another.  What a strange mixture of entertainment interests!  Oh, well.  Probably pretty fitting for the strange couple we are.

I'm hoping to drag Roger out to do a little shopping.  Need to get him some clothes which fit.  I may have to just rummage in my 16 year old nephew's closet for Roger.  I think they may be wearing the same size.  I am officially swearing off shopping without Roger because he is such a pill with my clothing choices.  Most recently he has started declaring all of the sweaters and clothing I bring home are very effeminate and .  He said my choices remind him of a couple of the male characters (preferring alternate lifestyles) on the TV program Glee.  Ugh.  WHATEVER.  I think he would look super cute in the sweaters and cardigans and cute boot shoes I bought for him.  Is it a crime to want my 52 year old husband to look cute?  Who cares where I get my fashion inspiration?  As if its a bad thing to emulate celebrity fashion!  Fine.  I may just let him look like he's 6 years old wearing his dad's clothing.  Whatever.

Good night.  Here's to a good Thursday.  Bring it on!!  luv, a&r

Happy New Year!

Its gonna need to be a quick post tonight.  I was not as productive as maybe I should have been over the weekend.  Spent a lot of time with Roger, which I consider time well spent...but it was well-spent time at the expense of "stuff" that needed to be done.  So, I just finished up bill paying and a couple miscellaneous work projects and I see the clock has ticked 11:30pm.  I'd say someone messed with the clock but I feel tired enough to warrant the late hour.

Roger has steadily....finally...started feeling better.  We went for a walk yesterday and today at his insistence.  The walk today was doubly remarkable in that the temp was a whopping 25 degrees or something silly like that.  So, layered up in 12 layers (or so) and feeling like the abominable snowman we both ventured out in the blustery winds.  Despite the cold, Roger was up for an extended walk and when we got home helped with clearing the snow from the walk and the driveway.  He spent part of the day working on house projects.  All things considered, it was a good day.  He said he didnt feel the need for pain pills until this evening. And, he ate a fair amount of food.  Again, a good day.

He has a host of medical appointments this week - blood work, meeting with his pain doc, and meeting with his physical therapist.  If he continues to feel decent, it should be a good week.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Sorry to be so short but gotta get a little sleep before starting the work week...after two short holiday weeks...its gonna take a little more steam to get back in the groove.

Have a great day.  More soon.  a & r

Good bye 2011....Welcome 2012

WARNING:  I'm (we are) filled with all kinds of mixed emotions tonight.  Not really sure what direction the blog post will head.  We're sitting here ringing in the New Year.  Happy to kick 2011 in the ass out the door and welcome 2012 with open arms.

As is the case every year on New Year's Eve, I'm filled with optimism and high hopes for the coming year.  Usually loads and loads of resolutions.  Some resolutions are met over the following 12 months and some are carry-overs to the following year.  My hopes for the New Year have simplified over the last two years....Get Roger happy and healthy.  That's it.  Honestly, thats it. 

I've spent the last couple days replaying 2011 and it leaves me shaking my head.  Thats all I seem to be able to do. Hell, even 2010 leaves me shaking my head.  We'll stay with 2011.  We started the year with Roger feeling badly and losing weight...nearly evaporating before my eyes.  He had the gallbladder attack (and subsequent gallbladder removed) and pancreas issues in February.  June was the diagnosis that cancer had returned and spread and that was when we both stopped breathing. That's when all carefree moments fled our lives.  Chemo started on July 6 and has continued non-stop ever since.  12 very short and yet 12 very long months passed.  There were days when time stood still and other days that melted into the next.  At the risk of sounding like my parents, where does time go? 

Do we ever get do-overs?  I know as a kid you'd always yell out "DO OVER".  My do over?  Gosh, I'd have to start 10 years ago and see that Roger had heart burn which probably ultimately led to the esophageal cancer.  In that do-over I would have pushed for changing our diet and drinking less and taking better care of ourselves.  Chances are Roger would have looked at me like I had three heads and ignored most of what I said (see, time doesn't change everything! he still does that!!) but the beauty of a "do-over" is that you are equipped with additional knowledge and thus better able to do it over....better. In the do-over, I'd try to embrace more of Roger's "chill" attitude to life and make sure we were traveling every minute we could.  I'd make sure our do over included more moments with family and friends.  And I'd make sure we spent as many minutes dancing as we possibly could. 

So, that's 10 years ago.  My do-over for 2 years would include a magic wand.  I'd waive it.  NO cancer.  The test results would reveal Roger had Barretts Esophagus...but no cancer.  And that diagnosis would have allowed us sufficient time to change diets, behavior, exercise, etc.  My do-over would include spending more time on our boat, holding hands all the time, laughing all the time, more intimate moments, staying up late and sleeping in late, hanging out with family and friends.  My do-over wouldn't include needles, doctors, nurses.  No hospitals.  No fear.  No broken hearts.  My do-over would include a happy Roger full of laughter and love and the simple ease of life he has always exemplified. 

I'm officially claiming an early do-over for 2012.  DO-OVER.  I know there is no magic wand. So, our do-over will have to be within the confines of reality.  We are going to focus on an increased quality of life.  As much laughter and love as we can squeeze out of each day.  As much company with family and friends as we possibly can.  No deadlines.  No timelines.  The focus is on each day as it comes.  That's it.

With the approach of the new year, I moved to the sofa to sit with Roger and, of course, steal a New Year's kiss. As we sat there watching the ball drop on TV and listening to the revelers cheering and celebrating the coming New Year in TimeSquare, it was as if the room went completely still.  The clock struck midnight and we shared a perfect kiss.  No others around to celebrate with us (well, ok the cats...but they probably don't count).  As we kissed, quiet tears slid down both of our faces.  Quiet tears.  We finally got our act together, dried up the water works and watched a couple more performers on TV.  We both have been laughing as we remember all the times we might have had too much to drink which resulted in some really bad no-rythym dancing and staying out way too late.  As a slow song came on the screen, I asked my hubby to dance with me here in the  center of our family room. Another perfect moment in life for me.

Its tough to look back.  There are so many moments we have shared over the last year that we don't speak of.  Too raw.  Too real.   Suffice to say, good bye 2011.  Hello lovely 2012.  Please be good to us.

This week ranks as one of the toughest we've had in a very long time.  Roger shared with me that Tuesday ranked as the third all time worst day.  First was the day he had the complications from his surgery and ended up on the ventilator, second was the day he had pancreatitis from his gallbladder attack, and then this past Tuesday.  As I mentioned earlier in the week, he had intestinal issues and kidney stones on top of the chemo aftermath.  Not fair.  Not, right.  He finally passed the stone this morning.  And, I kid you NOT, the stone was almost the size of my pink finger nail.  When Roger showed it to me, it made me light headed as I tried to imagine the pain he experienced.  Seriously, insane to even think about it. 

Roger has decided after this most hellacious of weeks that he is going to stop chemo.  Even though he only has two more treatments, we both have decided his poor system cannot handle any more.  Its a tough decision, but the right decision.  Quality of life.  Quality of Life.  So, we are looking forward to the good days to start flowing as the chemo exits his system. Going forward he'll have regular blood tests and scans to track the cancer.  If the tumors come back,  then we'll revisit the thought of chemo and what he wants to do.  But for now, we are both content with no more chemo.  We will discuss with Dr. B when  see him in a couple weeks. 

So, that's all I have for you tonight. I'm happy to have my husband here with me and am happy to be ringing a new year. The raw emotion from sending 2011 out the door will subside with the start of a new year.

Happy New Year to all.  Love your people.  Enjoy life.  Get your check ups with your doctor.  And be good to yourself. 

We love you all.  A & R