The day has been difficult. Despite having fluids today and skipping the radiation treatment, Roger feels badly. We try to rank how he feels compared to the previous day... today he feels somewhere between how he felt Saturday and how he felt Sunday. I can't get him to eat - his mouth is raw with sores, throat is raw with sores, and esophagus hurts to try to swallow. No amount of reasoning seems to work. I managed to get him to drink half a milkshake tonight. I tried making grits and eggs for lunch (he likes both under "normal" non-cancer circumstances)...I was informed after he ate one egg and a little bit of the grits... "those were the WORST grits and eggs that I have ever eaten". After silently contemplating how the grits would look on Roger's head, I merely responded "they are not the world's worst. Nothing tastes good to you now so it doesn't matter what I put in front of you. I will not take it personally, however I recommend that you try to find a different, perhaps slightly more subtle way of expressing your distaste for food" And quietly dumped the plate of food into the garbage next to the previous night's plateful of food that was pushed away.....did I tell you what an interesting journey this whole cancer thing was????

Today the doctors were a little at odds about "letting" Roger skip the radiation treatment today. We told Dr. B that we wanted to skip the last 4 radiation treatments altogether in a hope of avoiding having to have the feeding tube put in. He said we really needed the last 4 treatments but that he would suggest to the radiologist that we put off the final for treatments until next week ~ thus allowing Roger's esophagus to "heal" or recover a little bit for the week...and hopefully avoid the esophagus from swelling shut. The radiologist informed us through his nurse (he was out of the office) that he wanted Roger to go with the radiation as planned. Um, NO. That simply was not going to happen today. Roger didn't have the heart/mind for it, and I was not about to push him into it. We'll revisit the topic tomorrow morning when we meet with the radiologist in person.

The feeding tube is a huge mental block. Roger absolutely does not want it now. Obviously after surgery he'll have to have it. He just doesn't want it now. Can't say that I blame him. However at some point either he has to find a way to endure the pain of eating and EAT or we may end up with the feeding tube. We have 3-4 weeks to go before the surgery and he HAS to stay healthy. Its all easier said than done. He has already lost 8 pounds in about a week's time.

Its really much tougher mentally/emotionally than you could ever predict. Watching someone go through this. All you want to do is figure out a way to make him/her feel better, find a food or drink that will taste good and not hurt him, make it all go away. You watch them fade into unconsciousness during a few moments of stolen rest and you hope that when they wake they'll feel much better....only to be crushed when they wake and feel as bad or worse than when they went to sleep. Meanwhile you still have to reserve the energy to get the rest of life taken care of - go to work, tend to the cats (or whatever your version of cats are), pay the bills, tend to the laundry, blah blah blah. You all have your own various lists. It can be done - don't misunderstand me. Its just like you're wearing an extra 50 pounds on your back that's all. I guess that's one way of getting exercise. :-)

Dr. B assured us this morning that six months from now, we'll look back and say "see that wasn't all that bad." We both laughed and told him he was HIGH...this was the first time we didn't believe what he was saying. Six months from now seems like a million years away...hell, I can't remember what six weeks ago was like.

Keep your positive thoughts coming for Roger. He needs extra doses of encouragement this week - anything to get him to eat and drink. Feel free to call in the afternoon or evening. He seems to be best from 3pm-7pm lately. Thanks as always ~ A