Well, we're still here at the hospital. We did finally get moved to a "regular" room around 1:00. By the time they got all the paperwork done, tubes and wires hooked up and most importantly got the IV drip of the really really good stuff dripping, it was 2:00a.m. Roger was given Ambien (from the safety of his bed) and Ativan along with the pain killer and within minutes he was snoozing away. His face relaxed from the easing of pain. He was finally peaceful. It was such a soothing moment for both of us. I pulled my chair next to the bed. Wedged pillows in around me and pulled a blanket up around my ears. I work periodically to hear him snoring or snorting as his breathing would be interrupted. He slept solid until 5:00 when the nurse reappeared to take vitals and make sure his bladder was working. As of then, it was not....so the subtle statement was made, if you can urinate on your own we will have to do a catheter. Even from his sleepy, foggy state, you saw his eyebrows raise in a fogged terror and he said, "no no, I'll try. Just let me try." Happily after several moments full of concentration, eureka! You can guess the outcome. More importantly...NO catheter. Hallelujah!
On this new high powered, concentrated pain medicine Roger's pain has gone from 9.5 on a 10 scale to now 5-6 or 7. Much much better. If he doesn't move, he said the pain is a 3! He managed to much down a popsicle, donut, some fruit, a peanut butter jelly sandwich, and some soup for dinner. Not enough to sustain a hummingbird, let alone a grown man. Though I don't think grown is the appropriate descriptor. He's down to 130-132 lbs. he's going to be see through soon. NOT good. So, I continue to prod and nag...."you gotta eat! even if just little nibbles here and there."
It was a quiet anniversary. Roger slept (as he well deserved) most of the day trying to make up for lost sleep from the last two nights. He gave me the sweetest gift when he asked me this morning and afternoon to crawl into bed with him to snuggle. Despite being in pain and not being able to truly get comfortable he wanted to snug together. I tried to put him off the first time thinking his brain might be a little muddled due to the pain medicine. I wanted so desperately to be next to him but did not, under any circumstance, want to cause him any more pain. When he asked a third time in a row, I crawled into bed next to him and encircled him. He dozed off and I texted while watching TV. A lovely quiet moment. A beautiful anniversary gift.
Roger has been asked to have a CT scan of his pelvis and back to see if he fractured anything or to see if the cancer has spread to his bone. Additionally they want to do an MRI of his brain to see if they can determine a cause for his falling. Roger flat out said "no". After all the pain yesterday, he just couldn't imagine trying to remain horizontal for more than a moment as pain shot up and down his legs and back. The doctor asked us to use today, Sunday, as a day of rest and revisit the decision tomorrow. As the pain has been better controlled, Roger has been willing to consider doing the tests tomorrow. We're going to make sure they load him up on drugs prior to starting the tests. Tests tests and more tests. We both have mixed emotions. The doctor explained his reason for wanting the tests, to see what is causing the pain (if possible) and then try to alleviate or address the issue. If the cancer has spread to his bones, they could spot radiate which would reduce the pain significantly and help improve the proverbial quality of life. Big decisions. Tough stuff. We've been paralyzed by some of this decision making. And in those paralyzed moments, all I know to do is to reach out and hold onto Roger as tightly as I possibly can.
Well, I'm gonna go and try to catch up on some of my own lost sleep. Wishing the world were a different place and that I was reporting about the wildly exciting and romantic trip we took to celebrate our anniversary. Instead I will settle into the warmth of a loving husband, a wonderful marriage, and an impossible heart-crushing situation.
Not sure when we are breaking out of this place... will keep you posted about tests, test results, doctors' conversations and just life as well. Send all your healthy strong happy vibes to my darling hubby. Gotta keep him as strong as we can.
much love to all, a & r
Sunday, July 15, 2012
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