Another day

Its odd.  In my mind, I think its only been a day or so since I last posted to the blog and then I look back and its been days and days.  I know many of you stay updated with where we are and how Roger is doing through the blog.  Unfortunately, there are days when I just can't blog.  No words flow.  So, I get to you when I can, when the words flow.   God forbid if something horrible ever happened, I would put the word out, so don't take my silence as anything more than the weight getting a little bit heavier. 

We are trapped....lost....in a world of pain that is cancer.  Roger has inescapable, indescribable pain.  It comes and goes but mostly stays and when it stays, it consumes Roger.  He is lost in it most days lately.  And so we both have bumbled, stumbled, or just "be-d" in our world.  There isn't much to our "be-ing" not as most of you would see your normal days.  It is mostly Roger trying not to breathe because it hurts when he breathes, and me trying to make sure he breathes, eats, and through it all, me trying to help find a way to get his pain under control. So, try and try again.  Roger gets snippy.  I get snippy.  And the cats go running for the hills.

We're gonna try this pain prescription as dosed by the pain doctor.  If there is no appreciable reduction of pain, I am pushing for a new approach or a new doctor.  There is absolutely no and I mean no reason for any being, let alone a human to go through any suffering.  No reason for this amount of pain.  None. 

Despite the constant pain, Roger has and continues to be a trooper.  He's not ready to give up.  I know he's worn out and absolutely consumed with pain and still he keeps trying.  Food has NOOOOO value to him and yet he tries (even without my nagging) to eat.  As though you couldn't tell, he's pretty amazing. 

We are hoping for a fabulous weekend with family in southern Indiana.   This afternoon, I padded Roger into the passenger seat of the car with every pillow we have in the house.  Who needs air bags?  I'm pretty sure he was the most padded, well insulated human on the roads today.  We have family converging into Southern Indiana for a reunion of sorts - hoping for loads of laughs and especially a few moments of distraction for Roger from the pain. 

As I've mentioned before, Roger wants our blog to be honest.  To be who we really are.  Life is not all sugar plums and lollipops (I hate the word lollipops).  We, like all couples, have had ups and downs and inside-outs.  Through it all, we've always known we love each other.  May not of have liked each other here and there....but loved each other nonetheless.  Lately, we have both been snippy.  Roger is decidedly checked out of life consumed with pain and I am decidedly frustrated because I can't "fix it"....can't find the solution no matter how hard I try.  No matter how many pillows I fluff, how many massages I give in the middle of the night, how many other massages I scheduled.  NOTHING works... and folks, that's not right.  If you put forth effort, and energy and you never never give up....it should get better.  Right???!!!  And then gotta tell you,  I am frustrated and sad because I miss my partner.  Miss him disperately.

And through all this, we remain vested and concerned about our friends.  We just learned of another friend who has been "touched" by cancer.  ha, touched.  More like a sledge hammer, huh?  (((I'll be emailing you back. Sorry for the delayed response to your email)))

You have my word, I'll post more tomorrow or the next day at most. Just wanted to touch base to let you know we are out here.  Still plugging along. 

love and hugs, a & r