Two worlds?

Do you think its possible to live in two worlds at once? Literally? Figuratively?  Don't worry, I'm not talking sci-fi freaky stuff, nor am I schizophrenic (to my knowledge).  I guess I'm speaking metaphorically...two different worlds.  Today I was sitting in the middle of a meeting with a bunch of guys at work and we were joking about something.  As the laughter spread around the room, I had a moment as though outside myself.  I reflected how strange it was to laugh and carry on in this work-world, when my home-world was in a whole other universe. I tend to suspend one reality while in the other and vice versa.   I often think about this when I'm driving to work or headed home at the end of the day.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not....kinda odd.

This evening when I got home, I announced what I was going to make for dinner and set about getting all the ingredients from the frig.  Thought we'd try schnitzel.  It has previously been one of Roger's favorites.  I don't make it often because its always a big mess, takes a fair amount of time with prep and clean up, AND, I just never know what will or wont taste good to Roger.  Regardless, I decided we'd give it a whirl with mashed potatoes.  As I was digging out spices, Roger asked if we could go for a walk before I started cooking.  ABSOLUTELY!  I was thrilled he wanted to get out of the house...I could delay cooking for a while.

Despite the warm temperatures we both bundled up (it was a little chilly for me...which means cold for Roger).  And off we went, my arm snaked through his.  At some point during the walk, we got talking about "stuff" , all kinds of stuff.  Roger shared with me his ongoing (growing) concern about his health and the fact he feels like he is getting weaker.  We both thought stopping chemo and "taking a break from it" would mean he would start to feel dramatically better....   He said today was the first "less bad" day in over the last week or so.  Not that he felt good by any means but that he felt less bad.  Having said that, he said he still felt he was getting weaker and weaker and that he was concerned he was going to be disabled soon.  WHAT?!?!  OK, were I in a position to give in to my emotions I would have stopped and crumpled into an emotional pile of ooze at the thought.  THAT simply is not an option (remember suspending reality?). So, I paused before replying. Reflected for a moment and then took my standard approach and started asking a series of questions (law school training has to have SOME value!!).   "Did you feel this weak in Florida? Do you think the weather here could have any impact on how you're feeling?  Do you think the looming CT scan could be weighing you down?"   And he replied, "yes, I've thought about that but I can't get over how weak I feel and how many things I have to get done.  I don't want you to have deal with all of my projects if I can't do the work."  So, the problem-solver in me decided to turn our attention to what can we DO verses all the "what-ifs" we can't control and don't even know if these what-ifs will appear.  And so we took his list of projects and tried to break it down to identify one or two that could be knocked out.  Knock out a couple "easy" items to check the list and clear a little of the mental clutter.  Project 1:  work on this mercedes car he horse traded for...and SELL IT.  Project 2: get the boat motor further disassembled so that we could bring in a mechanic to do the hard work.  All the while I said, we need to hire people to help when we need the help.  We do NOT need to do it all ourselves.  And, I said, we need to let people help us when they offer. A completely foreign concept to both of us. 

Blah blah blah.  We've both been lost in a lot of big thoughts today.  No answers to any of the questions and a raging under current of emotion threatening to suck us in like an under-tow.  Keep a life preserver handy and hold on tight!! 

Sorry to ramble.  I just can't imagine my world with out an active Roger who fixes it all and takes on waaaaay tooooo much and gets bored with one project and then turns to a new one while I chase along behind him trying to organize the chaos and limit the in-flow of new projects until old ones exit.  And so, we will continue to suspend whatever reality is threatening our small moments of peace and will instead focus on finding solutions whenever possible...and, will try to keep focused on the positive....not always the easiest thing to do...but a focal point nonetheless.

Keep your eye fixed on your focal point especially during the turbulent storms of life

Happy Tuesday.  Luv, a & r  (sorry for any typos grammatical issues...I'm too pooped to check)