Day one

Today was the first day of radiation.  I don't know that I can adequately capture how we were feeling today...all the way from yesterday afternoon through this evening.  Anxiety, fear, confusion, empty, lost, agitated, hopeful...you name it and we probably touched or felt that emotion.  How do you muster up the courage, yet again, to endure the unknown in hopes of squeezing out more life...but that life could inherently be more of the same pain, discomfort and non-quality-life Roger has experienced over the last 2.5 years.  That's where the hopeful stuff needs to kick in .

The  radiation appointment was early this evening. Left the house and pretty much drove in silence.  Roger staring out the windshield (he was driving) and I was staring out my window.  (When did all the flowering tree bloom??)   We got to the radiation/oncology center and had to wait about 30 minutes.  It was deja vu all over again. Same ol' waiting room, same ol' feeling of anxiety.  There was no comfort in the familiarity.  None whatsoever.  Once they called Roger back, I was left in the painful quiet of the waiting area.  We were the last patient of the day.  So with nothing but thoughts to rattle around in my head, I found myself staring into empty space.  At some point my hand ended up resting on my chest as though holding my heart in.  I brought lists of to-dos and an article to be read and a separate journal I've started...and nothing, nothing could get my attention but the open space and the random thoughts rattling in my head. 

Roger finally came out about 20-25 minutes later.  The procedure lasted about 15 minutes but the set up took a while.  As we walked out to the car, hand in hand, he said "that was pretty unsettling.  I could 'taste' it when they started the radiation and could 'smell' it. This is not going to be pleasant."   All I could offer was a deep sigh and then said, "Take it one day at a time.  Do what you can do.  Don't project ahead beyond the day in front of you.  And, you always have the option of stopping.  So, for now...one day at a time."   And that was that.  When we got home Roger said he wanted to go for a walk to "get this stuff out of my system".  So, we did a couple laps around the neighborhood.  No conversation, just holding hands and randomly giving each other a hand squeeze. 

We've been building a to-do list covering the house, cars, rental properties, etc etc etc.  The list is about 2 miles long.  Our friend Paul came over this afternoon and gave us a 101 tutorial on ebay (we have a lot of shit to sell).  I have a feeling poor Paul may have to give this tutorial a couple more times.  While we are smarter than we look....ebay is still a mystery to us.  We have committed to each other that we will NOT fixate on the list but rather will use it as a reference and will "pick off the low hanging fruit".

The game plan for treatment is radiation every day for the next 13 days..  We anticipate with each treatment, the radiation builds (as it did over 2 years ago) and the fatigue and other potential side effects will build. One day at a time.  One day at a time.

much love, a & r