And so the ride continues

I've been thinking about blogging for days but just haven't found words lately. Life isn't particularly bad, it isn't particularly good.  Its just there.  Complicated.  Quiet. Up and Down.  Everything.  Nothing.  Weird, huh?  I don't know if its the anxiety from the looming chemo treatment this week, or if its the fact Roger has been feeling so poorly for so long, or if its stress from work (and life generally), or if its me missing my hubby and missing him more with the holidays engulfing us.  Honestly, I don't know.  I announced to Roger tonight...we need to get our fun on....or at least get our happy on.  I figure if I say it enough, its gonna happen...right?

We are on the threshold of yet another chemo treatment this week.  And as Wednesday gets closer and closer, we both find ourselves, as usual, getting a little more anxious with each passing day.  Really strange process you go through...you save up the courage and strength to endure a barbaric treatment that leaves you wiped out, feeling like hell...all in pursuit of getting well...and then you STILL don't feel well.  Simply barbaric.   And, we do it over and over and over again.

 Unfortunately the weeks of recovery between treatments have been pretty crummy lately.  Roger has spent a lot of time on the sofa in various positions of reclining.  I've tallied up only 3-4 days which have been "ok" days.  His sleep has been erratic and flat out poor, which means he has been spending a lot of time napping during the day or in the evening.  As I type now, he is dozing off in his chair, slowly slumping, and curling forward. He's been doing this since 8:00. The fog seems to be a little thicker than usual.

Roger had every hope of knocking out a bunch of projects over the last couple weeks.  Unfortunately that hasn't been in the cards.  No real work on the model airplane.  What little energy he did have, he used to build a work bench with built in ventilation.  One of the amazing things about my hubby is if he doesn't have a tool he needs or a piece of equipment he needs to complete a project, he will build the tool or build the equipment to enable him to create the underlying item/project.  Its truly amazing.  So, he has built this adjustable work bench/cubicle that will encapsulate and ventilate outside all sanding or painting, or whatever other messy project he takes on.  I'm hoping after this treatment, he will have the energy to revisit the airplane model.
Roger has decided he is going to go with 50% of the original chemo dosage this round of treatment.  His doctor suggested we consider reducing the dosage last time but Roger wanted to stay the course last treatment.  This time, Roger said "I just don't have it in me to do that again. We've gotta go with a lesser dosage".  Wednesday morning we'll double check with his doctor, and if he still believes its ok, 50% it will be.  At this point, I would just as soon stop to give Roger some good days... to feel BETTER. 
The house has a quiet Christmas glow.  As I get my more of my shopping done (slowly...still a little more to do), the Christmas tree seems more vibrant as pretty wrapped presents keep appearing.  In an effort to take care of our neighbor, the old girl across the street, I bought her a little artificial white tree with lights.  I know I know....some people think white trees are a little tacky.  NOT ME!  I LOVE it.  kinda old school.  Maybe a little cheesy....but I LOVE it. So...I might have had to buy one for our house, too.  It was a whopping $14.99.  I mean, hello????  even if it is total cheeseball, its $15 - you spend that just going to a movie!  When I brought the tree into the house, I was greeted with "a look" and a bit of a grunt, and then "Oh, good.  Another Christmas Tree.  Just what we need."    I sent a look back to the Looker and responded, "It is our only WHITE tree, AND, we don't have that many other trees...."     

True confessions here: Ok, sure there is a tree in the Garage attic window that ROGER put up, and maybe there are three little trees - no lights (knee high for table top or sitting along a stair case), and sure there is our pretty little, real tree, and now there is a white tree....but THAT is it.  No more trees.  Ho ho ho!!  The big fat dude in the red suit with the white beard better not miss our house.  I only have one item on my wishlist, have my hubby healthy and happy again. That's it. 

I started this post with a bunch of ramblings.  Simply put, life is complicated but not so complicated that we cannot be there for our friends and family.  We have friends or family members who hold off complaining about life, or talking about the challenges they have.  Work pressures, down cycles of business, sick children, grumpy spouses, crappy drive to work due to traffic.  I've said it before and am saying it again.  It all counts.  What we are going through doesn't trump anything anyone else is going through.  Its all life...and it ALL matters.  Our friends and family... our people... are all important to us and we want to be there for you in whatever way we possibly can. 

More posts to come.  Warning there may be a little more melancholy mixed in. 
Much love, a & r (even if he's snoozing across from me)