so, once again I'm a little at a loss for words. There's a whole lot in my head and even more in my heart. I'm sitting here at Roger's bedside. The machines are whirring away. The ventilator is filling his lungs with air, the IV pumps are filling his veins full of propafol for sedation, "fluids" for hydration, anti-biotics to help beat the infection, liquid "food" for hydration, and painkiller...to kill pain. This is exactly what Roger would have wanted a picture of...and will be exactly what he's going to have to miss. Its a bit overwhelming.

Roger made small progress today: much of the fluid in his chest has drained, his fever has dropped to the 99 range, his ventilator was dialed back closer to a weening-mode and yet, as I sit here I can vividly remember how great he was doing last week (wow, "last week" feels like a life time ago). Its a tough comparison. This is a day-by-day process for Roger. Progress is measured in very small, very slow steps. All of the doctors have told me, that this will be a very slow process but we'll get him through it. So patience my friends, we're in for a very long run. I think we finished the first marathon and have somehow landed at the start of a new marathon.

So, I have for you a little Roger moment. The doctors tried to dial Roger's propafol back a little today which meant he was more conscious than he has been since he came out of surgery on Sunday. He still dozed on and off but when he was "awake" he had a good deal of movement and tried to communicate as best he could. We found that we were playing charades to some degree as I tried to guess which body part Roger was referring to or what he wanted to do move, adjust, etc. The nurse untied the restraints that hold his hands down from the ventilator tubes so that we could stretch them and move them around a little. He knew not to touch the tube but kept touching around it as if to tease us....he'd move close to the tube, then gracefully move his finger up to his eye and itch it, or his nose or his chin...never once touching the tube. He even motioned to the tube at one point and waived his hands back and forth like a referee would to indicate "no". So, the Roger moment: the nurse was getting ready to leave the room and Denise and I were trying to encourage Roger to take a nap, I subtly suggested to the nurse that she might want to "snug" Roger down (tie his hands again) - he shot me this "Roger-look" with the unspoken words of "SHUT UP" attached. I explained it was to prevent an accident while he was sleeping that was all. He tried to pull some extra slack in the ties as the nurse was securing him. She caught it and took the slack out. He then tapped her on the arm to get her attention and then pointed at ME and then motioned with his hands as though he were trying to tie something. Denise very quickly translated: "do you want the nurse to tie Angie up instead?" to which my not-so-darling husband responded yes with a shake of his head and his eyes moving up and down. Only Roger.

Roger has quickly become a favorite among the nurses (go figure) - as a result, I think that we have a great group of nurses lined up for most of the balance of the week, with a few unknowns here and there. At least three have already told me that they are going to claim Roger when they come back for their shifts through the balance of the week. It certainly helps ease my mind. I've made a special point to come over in the evenings to meet and talk with the night nurse to make sure that I'm comfortable that they will be attentive to Roger. Should I feel otherwise any of these evenings, I will simply stay the night at the hospital as I did when we started this journey. There's simply no room for mistakes, or lack of detail.

The doctors are leaning towards taking the ventilator out in the next couple days or so. The ICU doctor wants to leave it in longer than the surgeon...so I'll find out what direction we are going tomorrow most likely. I anticipate that they will take another chest xray tomorrow to see how the fluids look in his chest. The nurse told me that today's xray looked better than yesterdays...those baby steps of progress.

I spoke with a girl friend today and she asked "How are you handling this? How are you holding up?". The simple answer is fine. No lie. Fine. Fine really is the only option. It is not an option to crumble and fall to pieces, it is not an option to freak out. Its simply not. My job is to take care of Roger and get him well - that means my option is to get us both through this. No amount of freaking out or crumbling is going to help Roger nor will it help me. This is survival mode - you stay focused on the important things for survival - fighting through the tough stuff. In the question of "flight or fight?" I'm definitely (and always have been) a FIGHT kinda person. I told Roger early on when he first started chemo "I need you to fight half as hard as me - you do that and we'll get through this."

The focus is and will continue to be getting Roger healthy...the "what ifs" don't matter. What matters is TODAY here and now...staying positive. Maybe come January or February once Roger is out of the woods and home resting, maybe then there will be a moment of crumbling, but not now. Having said that, I will tell you that there small momentary "leaks" usually when I'm driving alone in my car, or the past two nights when I've come home to bumble around an empty house. The leaks are like a passing Florida afternoon shower - come and gone before you know it. I kinda view the leaks as emotional purging so that you're fortified with new resolve to keep going.

Everyone of us has the stuff inside us to get through the horrible, most toughest of times. And when you think you don't, you'll find something that gives you that moment of peace and strength to steel up the necessary courage and forge your way through. I don't pretend to know how or why...just that it happens.

More tomorrow. I'm going to do some exercises with Roger's arms and legs and then tuck him in for the night. I have a good feeling about the night nurse, so I'll be sleeping at home tonight.

have a good evening. angie