Conflicted. I was conflicted today. It all started when I woke up and looked out the window to see white stuff on the ground and more white stuff falling from the sky. SNOW!!!!! Hello!!! SNOW!!! Oh happy day!!! And here is where the conflict comes in...I love snow but in the same breath I know how much Roger hates snow (even when he feels good). Even though I was overwhelmed with the same joy a kid feels with the first snow of the season, I tempered my elation with a somber, "oh bummer, it looks like it snowed". Inside? I was jumping around. SNOW! YIPPEE!! YAHOO!! SNOW!! First snow of the season, come on....you gotta love it. And the beauty of this snow is that came and "left" all in the same day. You can barely tell it snowed if you look out the window now.
Had I known how the day would unfold, I would have played around in the snow a little this morning to soak up the simple moment of joy. When I left for work this morning, Roger was just starting to stir. The outlook was undetermined. Part of our daily routine prior to me leaving is to ask a series of questions to try to gauge how Roger is doing: how do you feel? did you sleep? do you feel better or at least less bad than yesterday? do you need an anti-nausea pill? painkiller? do you want me to get breakfast (McDonalds...of course) for you before I go to the office? So I ran through the same series of questions. The general sense was that Roger was maybe, just maybe, feeling a little less bad. And so, I took a deep breath, sighed a small sigh of relief and headed out the door. I called in to check on him mid-morning. He didn't sound good. He said he was starting to feel badly again but did manage to eat breakfast, and even had a mid morning snack. As I tried to grill him with more questions to drill down what he was feeling, the responses became shorter and snippier. Ok, ok, I can take a hint. SHUT UP. He said he was going to try to sleep. We would talk later.
"Later" came mid-afternoon when my weak, puny hubby called and said he wasn't doing well and wondered if I could come home. Apparently he started having terrific abdominal and intestinal pain and was weak. As is often the case when he has terrible kidney and intestinal pain, he thought taking a hot bath might help. Not this time. He had no relief and then was faced with the fact he froze when getting out of the tub. He said he nearly passed out trying to get out of the tub. By the time I got home, I found him huddled under three blankets in bed with a tiny voice, in tremendous discomfort. I quickly turned on the heating pad and put it under the covers on his feet, and then I crawled onto the bed next to him. After snugging him in and then myself settling in next to him, I proceeded to slowly...gently ask about the afternoon and what had happened, and what he was feeling, and where the pain was. As he relaxed and finally warmed up, some of the pain slowly started to reduce. I was prepared to rush him off to the emergency room. He wanted to wait for a little while before going to the ER. Happily, Roger started to feel some relief. So, we did not go to the ER.
Roger has since climbed out of bed and is now downstairs sitting opposite me on the sofa. We are infusing him with fluids so that a) he doesn't get dehydrated and feel crappy-er, and b) so that if he is passing kidney stones....he doesn't run out of pee (how's that for graphic). If you run out of pee when you are passing a stone....it (the stone) can get um, well it can get stuck. NOT good. He is definitely in the process of passing stones again so this is a real concern.
The moral to the story is that you never let your guard down with cancer/chemo. Its a little daunting but is less so if you can keep your edge and stand "ready" at all times. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be making snow angels when there is enough snow....enjoy those little moments of joy. I'll just do it with a "ready" mind in case things change rapidly on the home front.
Tomorrow Roger has blood tests. They always draw blood a week after chemo to see how his system is handling the chemo. I don't need any darn test to tell me how his system is handling chemo... POORLY. I imagine his white and red blood cells must be whacked. We'll talk to the nurses while at the oncology center to get their thoughts on the past 5 days. Hopefully they or the doctor will be able to give us some insight as to what is happening. Will keep you posted.
xxooxx ~ a
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Post merry ho, ho, ho
We managed to get to the other side of the hohoho holiday. All in one piece. Roger most likely a few pounds lighter and a whole bunch grumpier. Here it is late Monday evening, and he STILL doesn't feel better. As if chemo weren't bad enough, Roger is also battling kidney stones again. Again. Really? Honest to goodness, this is just maddening and pretty freakin' exhausting to poor Roger. He has taken two baths today alone in an effort to offset the pain and discomfort (from chemo and from the kidney stones). Nothing seems to work. If he isn't able to pass the stone soon, we may need to make yet another all-too-familiar trip to the hospital.
Christmas day was super quiet. Roger was pretty miserable. Less bad than the day before but still horrible. Again, we measure life in degrees of bad....not degrees of good. He spent the entire day on the sofa sleeping or staring mindlessly at the tv. I finished wrapping a few xmas gifts for a belated Christmas with my family and then did some work including driving out to some industrial properties to take photos of some industrial buildings I'll be selling after the first of the year. It was a sunny day so it was time well spent. I had every intention of baking up a storm of sweets and goodies which I was SURE would appeal to my sweet-loving hubby. HA! The warped twisted game we know as chemo had other plans. As I ticked off some of the recipes I planned to bake, Roger declared with much emotion "UGH!!! all we have are sweets and sugar and chocolate. UGH. " I turned and looked at him as though he had sprouted two more heads on his shoulder and responded, "Hmmm, ok. So NOW you don't like sweets. OK. That's fine. That's today. I'll hold off on baking and will definitely hold off on disposing of any of the sugar-filled yummies until your system has had a few more days to recover. Because as you and I both know, today you may not like pecan rolls, or cookies, or whatever (all that you liked a only a couple days ago).... tomorrow you'll be craving exactly that which you proclaim to hate."
I took a deep breath, chanted a few yoga chants to myself and silently put away my cookbooks and all the ingredients I had set out in preparation for the baking extravaganza.
We have given Roger fluids every day since he started chemo. I know we can confidently say, he has no pain/discomfort from dehydration. I naively thought he might be feeling better sooner because of the reduced chemo combined with a regular increased level of fluids. Stupid girl. Stupid girl. This is NOT your first rodeo. Put your optimism in your pocket and focus on the here and now. The here and now is one very sick, very uncomfortable, very unhappy hubby who is trying to "slug it out" to get to the end of this miserable chemo train. Having said that, don't expect me to put my goofy, silly, cheerleader-side of me out to pasture. Oh, hell no!!!!
The week will be quiet. Roger will continue to climb out of the chemo hole. I'll be working though some of that time may be working from home remotely. Hard to believe we are staring another New Year in the face. 2011 evaporated before our eyes. I'm not sure I want to reflect much about the past year. It was simply brutal. We did, however, continue to feel the love and support of family and friends near and far. Whether through posts to the blog, emails, calls, texts, or sending positive thoughts our way we knew all of you were out there cheering for Roger and sending healing vibes and prayers his way. I've been absolutely overwhelmed with the outreach and "touches" we have received over the last several weeks. People truly make a difference. I like to hope (but know better) that we have been outwardly gracious and thankful for all of the continued support. Knowing we have been undoubtedly remiss, I want to offer our sincerest thanks for EVERYTHING!!! Literally, everything.
Life is sorta on hold presently.Waiting for Roger to emerge from chemo hell. Waiting for the good days to return. We know they will return. Just gotta be super patient.
Hope ya'll had a warm wonderful holiday filled with loads of laughter and love and the warmth of family and friends. xxooxx ~ a & r
Christmas day was super quiet. Roger was pretty miserable. Less bad than the day before but still horrible. Again, we measure life in degrees of bad....not degrees of good. He spent the entire day on the sofa sleeping or staring mindlessly at the tv. I finished wrapping a few xmas gifts for a belated Christmas with my family and then did some work including driving out to some industrial properties to take photos of some industrial buildings I'll be selling after the first of the year. It was a sunny day so it was time well spent. I had every intention of baking up a storm of sweets and goodies which I was SURE would appeal to my sweet-loving hubby. HA! The warped twisted game we know as chemo had other plans. As I ticked off some of the recipes I planned to bake, Roger declared with much emotion "UGH!!! all we have are sweets and sugar and chocolate. UGH. " I turned and looked at him as though he had sprouted two more heads on his shoulder and responded, "Hmmm, ok. So NOW you don't like sweets. OK. That's fine. That's today. I'll hold off on baking and will definitely hold off on disposing of any of the sugar-filled yummies until your system has had a few more days to recover. Because as you and I both know, today you may not like pecan rolls, or cookies, or whatever (all that you liked a only a couple days ago).... tomorrow you'll be craving exactly that which you proclaim to hate."
I took a deep breath, chanted a few yoga chants to myself and silently put away my cookbooks and all the ingredients I had set out in preparation for the baking extravaganza.
We have given Roger fluids every day since he started chemo. I know we can confidently say, he has no pain/discomfort from dehydration. I naively thought he might be feeling better sooner because of the reduced chemo combined with a regular increased level of fluids. Stupid girl. Stupid girl. This is NOT your first rodeo. Put your optimism in your pocket and focus on the here and now. The here and now is one very sick, very uncomfortable, very unhappy hubby who is trying to "slug it out" to get to the end of this miserable chemo train. Having said that, don't expect me to put my goofy, silly, cheerleader-side of me out to pasture. Oh, hell no!!!!
The week will be quiet. Roger will continue to climb out of the chemo hole. I'll be working though some of that time may be working from home remotely. Hard to believe we are staring another New Year in the face. 2011 evaporated before our eyes. I'm not sure I want to reflect much about the past year. It was simply brutal. We did, however, continue to feel the love and support of family and friends near and far. Whether through posts to the blog, emails, calls, texts, or sending positive thoughts our way we knew all of you were out there cheering for Roger and sending healing vibes and prayers his way. I've been absolutely overwhelmed with the outreach and "touches" we have received over the last several weeks. People truly make a difference. I like to hope (but know better) that we have been outwardly gracious and thankful for all of the continued support. Knowing we have been undoubtedly remiss, I want to offer our sincerest thanks for EVERYTHING!!! Literally, everything.
Life is sorta on hold presently.Waiting for Roger to emerge from chemo hell. Waiting for the good days to return. We know they will return. Just gotta be super patient.
Hope ya'll had a warm wonderful holiday filled with loads of laughter and love and the warmth of family and friends. xxooxx ~ a & r
Saturday, December 24, 2011
A quiet night
As anticipated its a very quiet weekend...a very quiet evening. I'm hoping today is "chemo bottom" and Roger will start the climb back up tomorrow. He feels pretty rotten and is very foggy & tired. Nausea, vomiting.... the familiar dreaded drill. He has hardly said a word over the last 24 hours. There have been quite a few grunts, and quite a few "looks" but that's about it. And, who can blame him. Its been a long haul of not feeling good. The quieter he gets....the chirpier I get. Hoping maybe my goofiness and "good cheer" will help pull Roger out of the worst of it. We're quite the odd couple.
Roger has spent most of the day has been spent in the recliner asleep or mindlessly staring at the TV. Hot and cold flashes all day. So Roger alternates between hibernating under multiple blankets including an electric blanket to peeling layers off to no blankets. With the most recent wave of chills this evening, I ran a hot bath for him...and that was the last I've seen of him. He soaked in the tub for a good long time and then climbed into bed. I doubt I'll see him any more until I go up to bed but you never know.
I in turn spent most of the day running errands to stay out of the way...and to get stuff done. I was able to have lunch with my parents and share a little Christmas cheer. Managed to do a little grocery shopping with the thought I would bake all afternoon. Its 10:00 pm now and I haven't baked a thing, haven't washed a dish, gosh....I haven't even put away all the groceries. I guess tomorrow will be busy with baking, cleaning, putting the rest of the groceries, not to mention wrapping a few miscellaneous presentsetc. The biggest activity this late afternoon was putting out luminaries. The entire neighborhood does it. You have to put the whole thing together, white paper bags, sand in the bottom, little white votive candles. Then you walk off your yard, putting the bags out along the curb. The neighborhood is actually very pretty with all of the bags lit up. So, around 4:00 after assembling all the bags I set about placing 40 some odd bags along the curb and then did the same for the old gal across the street. And, then had to circle back to light all the bags. I can look out the windows now to see the glow up and down the street. It really is pretty.
Its that time of year. All kinds of holiday merriment captured on TV in every version of holiday story. (TV is my companion tonight) And, I must confess, I love virtually all of the holiday stories. I have a few absolute favorites. The all time fav for me is "The Christmas Story" about the little blond boy named Ralphie who wants the Red Ryder BBGun. Honestly, I don't care how many times I see the show, I giggle out loud - no, I flat out laugh out loud. Sure, "Its a Wonderful Life" has a great story and is super sweet....but the humor and sarcasm in "The Christmas Story" leaves me laughing every time. How many of us have heard our mothers say "you'll poke your eye out with that..." Whatever "that" was in our respective worlds. Roger just padded back into the room and plopped in the chair, reviewed what was on TV and announced. "haven't you seen that a million times?" My response, "Yes and loved it every single time, just like when I see Sound of Music, or the Wizard of Oz" .
I think I'll stop now. I'm trying to persuade my hubby to join me here on the sofa so I can rub his feet and legs in a hope of distracting him from how badly he feels. I may have to turn the channel to a non-holiday program ....to keep him in the room. He doesn't have much hohoho in him presently. Hopefully his hoho will return next year. Will write more tomorrow. Hope the big jolly fat dude makes a stop by your house bringing you and yours good health, love, and endless laughter. xxooxx~ a (and a tired r)
Roger has spent most of the day has been spent in the recliner asleep or mindlessly staring at the TV. Hot and cold flashes all day. So Roger alternates between hibernating under multiple blankets including an electric blanket to peeling layers off to no blankets. With the most recent wave of chills this evening, I ran a hot bath for him...and that was the last I've seen of him. He soaked in the tub for a good long time and then climbed into bed. I doubt I'll see him any more until I go up to bed but you never know.
I in turn spent most of the day running errands to stay out of the way...and to get stuff done. I was able to have lunch with my parents and share a little Christmas cheer. Managed to do a little grocery shopping with the thought I would bake all afternoon. Its 10:00 pm now and I haven't baked a thing, haven't washed a dish, gosh....I haven't even put away all the groceries. I guess tomorrow will be busy with baking, cleaning, putting the rest of the groceries, not to mention wrapping a few miscellaneous presentsetc. The biggest activity this late afternoon was putting out luminaries. The entire neighborhood does it. You have to put the whole thing together, white paper bags, sand in the bottom, little white votive candles. Then you walk off your yard, putting the bags out along the curb. The neighborhood is actually very pretty with all of the bags lit up. So, around 4:00 after assembling all the bags I set about placing 40 some odd bags along the curb and then did the same for the old gal across the street. And, then had to circle back to light all the bags. I can look out the windows now to see the glow up and down the street. It really is pretty.
Its that time of year. All kinds of holiday merriment captured on TV in every version of holiday story. (TV is my companion tonight) And, I must confess, I love virtually all of the holiday stories. I have a few absolute favorites. The all time fav for me is "The Christmas Story" about the little blond boy named Ralphie who wants the Red Ryder BBGun. Honestly, I don't care how many times I see the show, I giggle out loud - no, I flat out laugh out loud. Sure, "Its a Wonderful Life" has a great story and is super sweet....but the humor and sarcasm in "The Christmas Story" leaves me laughing every time. How many of us have heard our mothers say "you'll poke your eye out with that..." Whatever "that" was in our respective worlds. Roger just padded back into the room and plopped in the chair, reviewed what was on TV and announced. "haven't you seen that a million times?" My response, "Yes and loved it every single time, just like when I see Sound of Music, or the Wizard of Oz" .
I think I'll stop now. I'm trying to persuade my hubby to join me here on the sofa so I can rub his feet and legs in a hope of distracting him from how badly he feels. I may have to turn the channel to a non-holiday program ....to keep him in the room. He doesn't have much hohoho in him presently. Hopefully his hoho will return next year. Will write more tomorrow. Hope the big jolly fat dude makes a stop by your house bringing you and yours good health, love, and endless laughter. xxooxx~ a (and a tired r)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Chemo on board
Hit him like a bus - fast and hard.
Day two of this round of treatment. And its getting quieter. Today, Roger had not-horrible moments which were quickly followed by horrible moments. Up down, up down.
As the drill goes every time, we met with the oncologist first. The purpose of the meetings are always to review lab results from the prior treatment as well as review how Roger did overall. We shared with Dr. B how difficult the last round was. Very few good days. So we turned the conversation to this round of treatment and what course we should take. I was lobbying for stopping the treatment. Dr. B suggested postponing this next round for a few more days to allow Roger's system to try to recover more. So, you've got me pushing for STOP, Dr. B pushing for slow down, and Roger in the eye of the storm holding strong and saying "No. I want to continue the treatment as originally prescribed....at least the number of doses. What about reducing the dosage again?" So after further discussion with Dr. B, it was agreed we would reduce the most noxious chemo drug, oxalaplatin to 50% from the original prescribed dosage. The other two chemo drugs, 5FU and Lucovorin (not positive on the spelling on the second one) will stay at 80%. In theory, the recovery should be quicker. In theory. I can't say this has proven out as of this moment. Still early in this round. So, we'll have to wait and see.
As usual, being at the infusion center is hugely impactful. So many different emotions stir while there. This time, despite being anxious about starting treatment, we sat and smiled. The whole infusion center looked like Christmas puked all over it...in a nice way. Every single square inch of the place was CHRISTMAS-FIED. Turns out there was a decorating contest. Each department had a theme. The infusion area...ironically....was Candy Land. Every where we turned there was some new creative expression dripping around the room. So, funny! And so, cute. Our infusion nurses were all fired up about the contest because they lost last year. Nothing like a little competition to stir up enthusiasm. I think all the patients enjoyed the distraction. As we waited for Dr. B in one of the internal waiting areas, an old gal comes shuffling into the room with a walking cane. I noticed the cane and then did my best trying not to stare but finally had to give in to sheer curiosity. She (or maybe her grumpy hubby who sat with her) had fitted her cane with a wicker basket suspended in the middle of the cane. Decorating the edge of the basket were LED lights and evergreen garland. Inside the basket, next to the batteries powering the lights, were scented candles. She ditched her hubby in the waiting area with us and then shuffled off to deliver candles. She soon returned with a lighter basket/cane only to tell her husband, "I need more candles". With a gruff humpffff he reached down and picked up a plastic bag loaded down with more candles. The basket was refilled, and off she shuffled again until she was called to meet with her doctor. Honestly, pretty cute.
Once we finally made it into the infusion area to get the chemicals flowing, we had a couple sit opposite us. The male was apparently the patient. Listening to them talking to the nurses and themselves, it became quickly apparent they were and have been on a similar journey to us only there journey was more recent. He had some sort of surgery last year and then had chemo and radiation. Before they had sat down, I had said to Roger, we missed seeing the infusion center decorated because Roger had been in the hospital over Christmas two years prior. This couple literally said the same thing...only it was last year. Weird. They were talking about the tumors he now has at C5...which we took to mean cervical 5...his spine. It was soooo odd to watch them as though we were looking in a mirror (only they were younger). She was chipper and trying to be the silly cheerleader to keep spirits up. He was being a trooper and going along with it despite obviously not feeling good & being in pain. I don't know why it was so remarkable for me...I mean, duh? There are going to be all kinds of experiences - many similar - when everyone has cancer.
We infused Roger with fluids today at home. Roger has finally come to the conclusion he wants to infuse daily during treatment. I've been pushing for this for months!!! But that's ok, as long as we get to this point. The fluids will obviously help keep him hydrated and stave off bad feelings from dehydration, but we are also hoping it helps flush his system.
Though Roger feels as though he has been hit by a bus, he wanted to take advantage of the fact the temperatures were relatively mild. So, we went for a short walk this evening. When he's up to walking we usually will walk 4-5 blocks. Tonight we only made it around our block. He said he just didn't have the energy to do more than that and was really starting to feel badly. So, we landed back at the house pretty quickly. He has since nestled into the corner opposite me on the sofa. As I look over, he has dozed off...and is in the familiar slumped over position with chin on his chest. I've tried once to get him to recline or go to the recliner to position himself better. No such luck when he's in the chemo fog. Its his way on his time. And so, I patiently (or sometimes, not so patiently) sit nearby to make "recommendations" Again, we're trying to prevent his neck from getting any more messed up.
I think its time for us to shuffle off to bed.
G'night! Hugs, a
Day two of this round of treatment. And its getting quieter. Today, Roger had not-horrible moments which were quickly followed by horrible moments. Up down, up down.
As the drill goes every time, we met with the oncologist first. The purpose of the meetings are always to review lab results from the prior treatment as well as review how Roger did overall. We shared with Dr. B how difficult the last round was. Very few good days. So we turned the conversation to this round of treatment and what course we should take. I was lobbying for stopping the treatment. Dr. B suggested postponing this next round for a few more days to allow Roger's system to try to recover more. So, you've got me pushing for STOP, Dr. B pushing for slow down, and Roger in the eye of the storm holding strong and saying "No. I want to continue the treatment as originally prescribed....at least the number of doses. What about reducing the dosage again?" So after further discussion with Dr. B, it was agreed we would reduce the most noxious chemo drug, oxalaplatin to 50% from the original prescribed dosage. The other two chemo drugs, 5FU and Lucovorin (not positive on the spelling on the second one) will stay at 80%. In theory, the recovery should be quicker. In theory. I can't say this has proven out as of this moment. Still early in this round. So, we'll have to wait and see.
As usual, being at the infusion center is hugely impactful. So many different emotions stir while there. This time, despite being anxious about starting treatment, we sat and smiled. The whole infusion center looked like Christmas puked all over it...in a nice way. Every single square inch of the place was CHRISTMAS-FIED. Turns out there was a decorating contest. Each department had a theme. The infusion area...ironically....was Candy Land. Every where we turned there was some new creative expression dripping around the room. So, funny! And so, cute. Our infusion nurses were all fired up about the contest because they lost last year. Nothing like a little competition to stir up enthusiasm. I think all the patients enjoyed the distraction. As we waited for Dr. B in one of the internal waiting areas, an old gal comes shuffling into the room with a walking cane. I noticed the cane and then did my best trying not to stare but finally had to give in to sheer curiosity. She (or maybe her grumpy hubby who sat with her) had fitted her cane with a wicker basket suspended in the middle of the cane. Decorating the edge of the basket were LED lights and evergreen garland. Inside the basket, next to the batteries powering the lights, were scented candles. She ditched her hubby in the waiting area with us and then shuffled off to deliver candles. She soon returned with a lighter basket/cane only to tell her husband, "I need more candles". With a gruff humpffff he reached down and picked up a plastic bag loaded down with more candles. The basket was refilled, and off she shuffled again until she was called to meet with her doctor. Honestly, pretty cute.
Once we finally made it into the infusion area to get the chemicals flowing, we had a couple sit opposite us. The male was apparently the patient. Listening to them talking to the nurses and themselves, it became quickly apparent they were and have been on a similar journey to us only there journey was more recent. He had some sort of surgery last year and then had chemo and radiation. Before they had sat down, I had said to Roger, we missed seeing the infusion center decorated because Roger had been in the hospital over Christmas two years prior. This couple literally said the same thing...only it was last year. Weird. They were talking about the tumors he now has at C5...which we took to mean cervical 5...his spine. It was soooo odd to watch them as though we were looking in a mirror (only they were younger). She was chipper and trying to be the silly cheerleader to keep spirits up. He was being a trooper and going along with it despite obviously not feeling good & being in pain. I don't know why it was so remarkable for me...I mean, duh? There are going to be all kinds of experiences - many similar - when everyone has cancer.
We infused Roger with fluids today at home. Roger has finally come to the conclusion he wants to infuse daily during treatment. I've been pushing for this for months!!! But that's ok, as long as we get to this point. The fluids will obviously help keep him hydrated and stave off bad feelings from dehydration, but we are also hoping it helps flush his system.
Though Roger feels as though he has been hit by a bus, he wanted to take advantage of the fact the temperatures were relatively mild. So, we went for a short walk this evening. When he's up to walking we usually will walk 4-5 blocks. Tonight we only made it around our block. He said he just didn't have the energy to do more than that and was really starting to feel badly. So, we landed back at the house pretty quickly. He has since nestled into the corner opposite me on the sofa. As I look over, he has dozed off...and is in the familiar slumped over position with chin on his chest. I've tried once to get him to recline or go to the recliner to position himself better. No such luck when he's in the chemo fog. Its his way on his time. And so, I patiently (or sometimes, not so patiently) sit nearby to make "recommendations" Again, we're trying to prevent his neck from getting any more messed up.
I think its time for us to shuffle off to bed.
G'night! Hugs, a
Monday, December 19, 2011
And so the ride continues
I've been thinking about blogging for days but just haven't found words lately. Life isn't particularly bad, it isn't particularly good. Its just there. Complicated. Quiet. Up and Down. Everything. Nothing. Weird, huh? I don't know if its the anxiety from the looming chemo treatment this week, or if its the fact Roger has been feeling so poorly for so long, or if its stress from work (and life generally), or if its me missing my hubby and missing him more with the holidays engulfing us. Honestly, I don't know. I announced to Roger tonight...we need to get our fun on....or at least get our happy on. I figure if I say it enough, its gonna happen...right?
We are on the threshold of yet another chemo treatment this week. And as Wednesday gets closer and closer, we both find ourselves, as usual, getting a little more anxious with each passing day. Really strange process you go through...you save up the courage and strength to endure a barbaric treatment that leaves you wiped out, feeling like hell...all in pursuit of getting well...and then you STILL don't feel well. Simply barbaric. And, we do it over and over and over again.
Unfortunately the weeks of recovery between treatments have been pretty crummy lately. Roger has spent a lot of time on the sofa in various positions of reclining. I've tallied up only 3-4 days which have been "ok" days. His sleep has been erratic and flat out poor, which means he has been spending a lot of time napping during the day or in the evening. As I type now, he is dozing off in his chair, slowly slumping, and curling forward. He's been doing this since 8:00. The fog seems to be a little thicker than usual.
Roger had every hope of knocking out a bunch of projects over the last couple weeks. Unfortunately that hasn't been in the cards. No real work on the model airplane. What little energy he did have, he used to build a work bench with built in ventilation. One of the amazing things about my hubby is if he doesn't have a tool he needs or a piece of equipment he needs to complete a project, he will build the tool or build the equipment to enable him to create the underlying item/project. Its truly amazing. So, he has built this adjustable work bench/cubicle that will encapsulate and ventilate outside all sanding or painting, or whatever other messy project he takes on. I'm hoping after this treatment, he will have the energy to revisit the airplane model.
Roger has decided he is going to go with 50% of the original chemo dosage this round of treatment. His doctor suggested we consider reducing the dosage last time but Roger wanted to stay the course last treatment. This time, Roger said "I just don't have it in me to do that again. We've gotta go with a lesser dosage". Wednesday morning we'll double check with his doctor, and if he still believes its ok, 50% it will be. At this point, I would just as soon stop to give Roger some good days... to feel BETTER.
The house has a quiet Christmas glow. As I get my more of my shopping done (slowly...still a little more to do), the Christmas tree seems more vibrant as pretty wrapped presents keep appearing. In an effort to take care of our neighbor, the old girl across the street, I bought her a little artificial white tree with lights. I know I know....some people think white trees are a little tacky. NOT ME! I LOVE it. kinda old school. Maybe a little cheesy....but I LOVE it. So...I might have had to buy one for our house, too. It was a whopping $14.99. I mean, hello???? even if it is total cheeseball, its $15 - you spend that just going to a movie! When I brought the tree into the house, I was greeted with "a look" and a bit of a grunt, and then "Oh, good. Another Christmas Tree. Just what we need." I sent a look back to the Looker and responded, "It is our only WHITE tree, AND, we don't have that many other trees...."
True confessions here: Ok, sure there is a tree in the Garage attic window that ROGER put up, and maybe there are three little trees - no lights (knee high for table top or sitting along a stair case), and sure there is our pretty little, real tree, and now there is a white tree....but THAT is it. No more trees. Ho ho ho!! The big fat dude in the red suit with the white beard better not miss our house. I only have one item on my wishlist, have my hubby healthy and happy again. That's it.
I started this post with a bunch of ramblings. Simply put, life is complicated but not so complicated that we cannot be there for our friends and family. We have friends or family members who hold off complaining about life, or talking about the challenges they have. Work pressures, down cycles of business, sick children, grumpy spouses, crappy drive to work due to traffic. I've said it before and am saying it again. It all counts. What we are going through doesn't trump anything anyone else is going through. Its all life...and it ALL matters. Our friends and family... our people... are all important to us and we want to be there for you in whatever way we possibly can.
More posts to come. Warning there may be a little more melancholy mixed in.
Much love, a & r (even if he's snoozing across from me)
We are on the threshold of yet another chemo treatment this week. And as Wednesday gets closer and closer, we both find ourselves, as usual, getting a little more anxious with each passing day. Really strange process you go through...you save up the courage and strength to endure a barbaric treatment that leaves you wiped out, feeling like hell...all in pursuit of getting well...and then you STILL don't feel well. Simply barbaric. And, we do it over and over and over again.
Unfortunately the weeks of recovery between treatments have been pretty crummy lately. Roger has spent a lot of time on the sofa in various positions of reclining. I've tallied up only 3-4 days which have been "ok" days. His sleep has been erratic and flat out poor, which means he has been spending a lot of time napping during the day or in the evening. As I type now, he is dozing off in his chair, slowly slumping, and curling forward. He's been doing this since 8:00. The fog seems to be a little thicker than usual.
Roger had every hope of knocking out a bunch of projects over the last couple weeks. Unfortunately that hasn't been in the cards. No real work on the model airplane. What little energy he did have, he used to build a work bench with built in ventilation. One of the amazing things about my hubby is if he doesn't have a tool he needs or a piece of equipment he needs to complete a project, he will build the tool or build the equipment to enable him to create the underlying item/project. Its truly amazing. So, he has built this adjustable work bench/cubicle that will encapsulate and ventilate outside all sanding or painting, or whatever other messy project he takes on. I'm hoping after this treatment, he will have the energy to revisit the airplane model.
Roger has decided he is going to go with 50% of the original chemo dosage this round of treatment. His doctor suggested we consider reducing the dosage last time but Roger wanted to stay the course last treatment. This time, Roger said "I just don't have it in me to do that again. We've gotta go with a lesser dosage". Wednesday morning we'll double check with his doctor, and if he still believes its ok, 50% it will be. At this point, I would just as soon stop to give Roger some good days... to feel BETTER.
The house has a quiet Christmas glow. As I get my more of my shopping done (slowly...still a little more to do), the Christmas tree seems more vibrant as pretty wrapped presents keep appearing. In an effort to take care of our neighbor, the old girl across the street, I bought her a little artificial white tree with lights. I know I know....some people think white trees are a little tacky. NOT ME! I LOVE it. kinda old school. Maybe a little cheesy....but I LOVE it. So...I might have had to buy one for our house, too. It was a whopping $14.99. I mean, hello???? even if it is total cheeseball, its $15 - you spend that just going to a movie! When I brought the tree into the house, I was greeted with "a look" and a bit of a grunt, and then "Oh, good. Another Christmas Tree. Just what we need." I sent a look back to the Looker and responded, "It is our only WHITE tree, AND, we don't have that many other trees...."
True confessions here: Ok, sure there is a tree in the Garage attic window that ROGER put up, and maybe there are three little trees - no lights (knee high for table top or sitting along a stair case), and sure there is our pretty little, real tree, and now there is a white tree....but THAT is it. No more trees. Ho ho ho!! The big fat dude in the red suit with the white beard better not miss our house. I only have one item on my wishlist, have my hubby healthy and happy again. That's it.
I started this post with a bunch of ramblings. Simply put, life is complicated but not so complicated that we cannot be there for our friends and family. We have friends or family members who hold off complaining about life, or talking about the challenges they have. Work pressures, down cycles of business, sick children, grumpy spouses, crappy drive to work due to traffic. I've said it before and am saying it again. It all counts. What we are going through doesn't trump anything anyone else is going through. Its all life...and it ALL matters. Our friends and family... our people... are all important to us and we want to be there for you in whatever way we possibly can.
More posts to come. Warning there may be a little more melancholy mixed in.
Much love, a & r (even if he's snoozing across from me)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Bat Man!!!!
Tonight's post is NOT going the way I thought it would. I thought I would report about Roger going south to work on the boat, about how Roger is generally feeling. I was going to post about all kinds of things. But life takes you in a different direction...and you just NEVER know its going to happen.
I've mentioned the old gal who lives across the street, Oneida. She lost her husband this summer. They've been together for-ever. Well they - she - are adopted family to us. We look out for her. Rake her leaves, shovel her snow, take food over to her. She cooks for us all the time. Its a mutual love-fest. Anyway, I digress. Roger and I are both terrified Oneida is going to call us because she's fallen...or worse, she doesn't call us and we find her when its too late. Tonight, I got a call from her. She sounded in a panic, worried, upset. OMG. A million horrible things ran through my mind in a split second. "Yes, Oneida. What's wrong?? Are you ok??" Oneida's Reply "Angie, Angie. Oh my goodness. Angie. I got it. I got it. It was on the wall. I got it. Can you come over??" ...me: "Oneida, WHAT??? You got WHAT??? Are you ok????"....my sweet, dingbat neighbor...: "its a bat! It was on the wall. I swatted it down. Now I have it trapped under a box. Are YOU afraid of Bats???" me: "No. I'm not afraid of bats. I'll be over in a minute." With Roger in tow, a plastic box lid in hand (to slide under the box with the bat), and leather gloves on our hands we marched across the street to save our little old damsel in distress. As we approached the front door, we heard a shriek. We rushed in to find the old gal behind a chair dancing around with an enormous pair of leather gloves on her hands and an upside down cardboard box on the floor.
Seriously??? A bat??? Come on. This is really too much. But honestly. NO exaggeration. A real bat. So I was prepared to figure out how to save our old gal across the street AND rescue this little creature though I have to admit...I had no clue how I was going to do it. My hero hubby, wearing leather gloves, three coats, a hat and multiple other layers captured the little critter in his hands. Roger scooped the little guy into his hands all the while the little bat screeched away. Sooooooooooooooooooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly sooooooooooooo cool. Roger and I both stared at the little guy. Not really cute, but kinda cute and with these amazing, delicate wings. Oneida on the other hand was hiding behind a chair yelling " NO NO NO I don't want to see him. Take him way." Roger dutifully took the little winged critter outside and watched him fly out of his hands. Seriously???? Isn't that the coolest? Ok, there's a bit of creepy. And for you germophobes, maybe the critter presents concerns for you not to mention the poor old gal. I just think it was really too cool seeing a bat up close like that.
Life is about moments. Crazy, unpredictable, flat-out-weird moments not to mention those beautiful, perfect, singular moments. I was sooo relieved our neighbor was fine, amused at the situation, and secretly glad that Roger was there to prevent me from having to figure out how I was going to get the bat outside without hurting it. I'm ok with catching a random mouse in the house and setting it free. A bat would have been pushing things a little.
Update on our gorgeous Xmas tree. She has lights and is dressed in glass ornaments and beautiful artificial poinsettia blooms. She needs a little more attention but is just gorgeous. Roger walked into the room this evening and announced what a pretty tree she is.
So, now back to the post as planned. Roger feels OK. Mostly puny. Despite going down to the boat, he was pretty wiped out. Turns out he is also in the process of passing kidney stones! Will the guy ever catch a break? Will he ever catch a break? He said he passed three stones last night and thinks he is in the process of passing another one or two now. I am in the process of running a hot bath for him now to see if it will help reduce the pain (usually does with kidney stones) . Roger's urologist said the stones should reduce if not stop once he turns 50. Well, he's 52... damn things should be gone. So, he is not only having to deal with cancer and chemo...he also has an ongoing battle with kidney stones! WHATHEHELL??
I won't even go into the large destruction/problem he found in one of the motors on the boat. Suffice to say, the Wethington cloud of bad luck continues! I'm sure our little adventure with the winged creature across the street...while a little bit of an adrenaline rush, didn't help with him feeling any better.
Anyway, I leave you with the theme of Batman: nuna nuna nuna nuna, nuna nuna nuna nu na, BATMAAAAAN. (I'm hoping you were humming when you read that) .
:-) a
I've mentioned the old gal who lives across the street, Oneida. She lost her husband this summer. They've been together for-ever. Well they - she - are adopted family to us. We look out for her. Rake her leaves, shovel her snow, take food over to her. She cooks for us all the time. Its a mutual love-fest. Anyway, I digress. Roger and I are both terrified Oneida is going to call us because she's fallen...or worse, she doesn't call us and we find her when its too late. Tonight, I got a call from her. She sounded in a panic, worried, upset. OMG. A million horrible things ran through my mind in a split second. "Yes, Oneida. What's wrong?? Are you ok??" Oneida's Reply "Angie, Angie. Oh my goodness. Angie. I got it. I got it. It was on the wall. I got it. Can you come over??" ...me: "Oneida, WHAT??? You got WHAT??? Are you ok????"....my sweet, dingbat neighbor...: "its a bat! It was on the wall. I swatted it down. Now I have it trapped under a box. Are YOU afraid of Bats???" me: "No. I'm not afraid of bats. I'll be over in a minute." With Roger in tow, a plastic box lid in hand (to slide under the box with the bat), and leather gloves on our hands we marched across the street to save our little old damsel in distress. As we approached the front door, we heard a shriek. We rushed in to find the old gal behind a chair dancing around with an enormous pair of leather gloves on her hands and an upside down cardboard box on the floor.
Seriously??? A bat??? Come on. This is really too much. But honestly. NO exaggeration. A real bat. So I was prepared to figure out how to save our old gal across the street AND rescue this little creature though I have to admit...I had no clue how I was going to do it. My hero hubby, wearing leather gloves, three coats, a hat and multiple other layers captured the little critter in his hands. Roger scooped the little guy into his hands all the while the little bat screeched away. Sooooooooooooooooooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly sooooooooooooo cool. Roger and I both stared at the little guy. Not really cute, but kinda cute and with these amazing, delicate wings. Oneida on the other hand was hiding behind a chair yelling " NO NO NO I don't want to see him. Take him way." Roger dutifully took the little winged critter outside and watched him fly out of his hands. Seriously???? Isn't that the coolest? Ok, there's a bit of creepy. And for you germophobes, maybe the critter presents concerns for you not to mention the poor old gal. I just think it was really too cool seeing a bat up close like that.
Life is about moments. Crazy, unpredictable, flat-out-weird moments not to mention those beautiful, perfect, singular moments. I was sooo relieved our neighbor was fine, amused at the situation, and secretly glad that Roger was there to prevent me from having to figure out how I was going to get the bat outside without hurting it. I'm ok with catching a random mouse in the house and setting it free. A bat would have been pushing things a little.
Update on our gorgeous Xmas tree. She has lights and is dressed in glass ornaments and beautiful artificial poinsettia blooms. She needs a little more attention but is just gorgeous. Roger walked into the room this evening and announced what a pretty tree she is.
So, now back to the post as planned. Roger feels OK. Mostly puny. Despite going down to the boat, he was pretty wiped out. Turns out he is also in the process of passing kidney stones! Will the guy ever catch a break? Will he ever catch a break? He said he passed three stones last night and thinks he is in the process of passing another one or two now. I am in the process of running a hot bath for him now to see if it will help reduce the pain (usually does with kidney stones) . Roger's urologist said the stones should reduce if not stop once he turns 50. Well, he's 52... damn things should be gone. So, he is not only having to deal with cancer and chemo...he also has an ongoing battle with kidney stones! WHATHEHELL??
I won't even go into the large destruction/problem he found in one of the motors on the boat. Suffice to say, the Wethington cloud of bad luck continues! I'm sure our little adventure with the winged creature across the street...while a little bit of an adrenaline rush, didn't help with him feeling any better.
Anyway, I leave you with the theme of Batman: nuna nuna nuna nuna, nuna nuna nuna nu na, BATMAAAAAN. (I'm hoping you were humming when you read that) .
:-) a
Monday, December 12, 2011
o tannenbaum, o tannenbaum
We ventured out Sunday afternoon, bundled up as though we were headed to the north or south pole. And found a tree. A beautiful little tree. Naturally the event was not without adventure. 
We went to the School for the Blind where I THOUGHT I had seen a sign saying they were selling trees. If we're going to buy a tree, lets do "good" and benefit others if possible. Um, no. They weren't selling trees (figures). So, off to another location. We found a gorgeous tree taller than Roger, gorgeous and full. Love at first sight....though of course, I still had to drag Roger around the lot two more times in case we missed THE perfect tree. Nope. We didn't miss it. Had it right the first time. So, we circled back to our perfect tree with a lot attendant in tow. As the worker was getting ready to pull the tree out of the stand, I asked if they accepted credit cards. You see, I was already in sticker shock. When we ventured to Bloomington in previous years to cut down a tree, we could cut down a tree as big as we wanted - any size 7', 10', 12' whatever you can find....a whopping $25! These fancy schamancy precut trees.....are multiples of $25! The lot attendant defiantly declared, "No. We only accept cash and checks". Soooo, Roger pulled out his wallet with much attitude (I left mine at home) and he counted out all the little green dollars hiding there. The attendant used the calculator on his phone to calculate the total due...$67.42. Roger had (no exaggeration) $67 in his wallet. No more. He declared the same to the attendant who told him, "there is nothing I can
do". Roger asked for the person in charge....Response? "No one in charge is working today"....um, yah. Roger started to head for the parking lot. I called after him saying that I was sure I had $0.42 in the car or we could pick out a different tree. Not a big deal to me. NOPE. NOT DOING IT. Nanook of the North in his furry hat and wool clad body stomped to the car. ON to the next tree lot. Despite how cold he was, out of principle Roger wasn't going to buy a tree there. We motored down the road and found a new perfect tree which was not only shorter (still taller than me) but $15 more expensive. With a gratified look on his face and a beautiful tree strapped to the car we drove home.
Our pretty little tree is happily nestled in a corner in the living room. We haven't had a chance to dress her yet. No lights, no babbles....I'm thinking that will come tomorrow. For the time being we'll let our gorgeous tree get comfy in its new home.
Roger has been riding the roller coaster of feeling ok, feeling puny, feeling ok, feeling terrible. Last night was a rough night. He woke 4 times having to vomit each time, 2:30 a.m., 3:30 a.m., 5:00 a.m., and 6:00 a.m.. After each
episode, Roger would sit straight up, cross-legged in bed and each time, he'd fall asleep sitting there once he got his system to calm down. He'd slowly bend forward in his sleep and end up rolled into a ball with his head nearly touching his legs and the bed. And each time, I'd wake him up, lightly rub his back and encourage him to lay back down or go downstairs to the sofa to recline in more of a sitting posture. We think that his poor posture and his "rolling into a ball" are adding to the problems with his neck and the bulging disc which is causing pain and spasms down his back. It seemed terrible cruel for me to wake him each time but I also know how badly it hurts him when he has the back pain. Finally at 6:00 a.m. he gave up and went downstairs to the sofa.
Finally before signing off I thought I'd share a story I shared with my friend Katie today. Its the time of year that truly reminds me. Two years ago...almost to the day...Roger had the surgery which took us... or rather took him down a very long painful path. He had complications from the surgery and ended up on a ventilator for 6 days. 6 very long days. It so happens this was over the Christmas holiday. One evening during this
period, I think maybe Christmas Eve, I walked one of our family members to the front of the hospital after a brief bedside visit. As I made the long trek back to the other side of the hospital where Roger was, I passed through empty hall after quiet, empty hall. As I got closer to the intensive care wing of the hospital, I passed by a side entrance to this area of the building. There in the entry way between the exterior door and the interior door were a small group of carolers, all wearing Santa hats. I paused in the hall to eavesdrop as they finished the song they were practicing. Once the song ended, they walked into the building. Before
heading on their way in the direction from which I had just come, they stopped in front of little ol' me and sang a beautiful Christmas carol. My own private concert. It was a quiet, simple, perfect moment in an otherwise not perfect part of our life. I smile now to think of the beauty of the moment. I know this all sounds totally cheesy but it really was such a peaceful moment.
Wishing you all many perfect, peaceful moments. Have a good evening. hugs, a
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Up down up down up down
That pretty much describes the ride of cancer paired with chemo. Roger is headed into what should be a good week. This past week was one of ups and downs. There were a few decent days and then a couple not so decent. Roger didn't venture out of the house much. Towards the end of the week, he went out to hunt for food (drive through for fast food) and run a couple miscellaneous errands.
My company had its Holiday party last night. I figured we would NOT be going - lots of standing - lots of noise - and just difficult to do when you don't feel great. So, I was knocked off my feet when Roger suggested at the beginning of the week that we should go to the party, even if only for a little while. We managed to stay for about an hour and a half. It was an odd study of a humanity. As we walked around, many of my co-workers came up to introduce themselves to Roger and in the next sentence to tell him they were praying for him. It just kinda left me scratching my head with a quizzical look on my face. The sentiment was offered in a very genuine way, very kind way....but was just so strange when no other conversation surrounded the statement. The other thing I noticed is a few people kinda studying Roger from across the room. I guess I don't know what I necessarily expected....it was just odd. After wishing happy holidays to all, munching on a few appetizers, and sipping a drink (soda for roger...and something a smidge stronger for me), we wandered to the door and made our exit.
On the drive home, my sweet hubby humored me and did a little holiday light tour. He drove us by this house I discovered a couple years ago. Its a VERY Merry Christmas house - in a beautiful little neighborhood close to our home. As we turned the corner onto this little quiet street, we were overwhelmed with the bright glow of holiday lights coming from this one house (you KNOW their electric meter was spinning like crazy). Lights top to bottom and bottom to top, throughout the yard. Lights EVERYWHERE. There were life size toy soldiers, santas, ornaments, reindeer. You name it...if it was associated with Christmas and had lights, it was in the yard. And as so often is the case with contagious holiday merriment....lights looked like they were starting to slowly infect the rest of the neighborhood. We speculated as to whether or not the other neighbors' tasteful, understated lights displays were hopeful attempts at "encouraging" their neighbor with huge Christmas Spirit on steroids to maybe....tone it down. Regardless, it didn't work. But it DID bring a huge smile to both of our faces. We then drove our quiet neighborhood and enjoyed the various light displays and finally pulled into the driveway.
Today appears to be a "down" day for Roger. He is up and sitting in his chair but keeps dozing off. His neck is causing pain spasms down his back so he has a heating pad around his neck in an attempt to reduce the spasms. So, quiet it will be for the time being.
We've decided we are most likely going to venture out for the Wethington Xmas tree tomorrow. The temperature should warm up slightly (ha!) to a toasty upper 30s....much better than today's morning temperature of 18 degrees warming to a whopping 30 degrees maybe. TOASTY. I'm already gathering winter wear layers for Roger. He'll look like the abominable snowman with his awesome furry hat. A new challenge we have is that NONE of his winter coats fit. They all look like he's wearing his dad's clothes. We (the royal we...translating to ME) need to go buy new winter wear for Skinny. That may be an evening adventure for me later tonight.
Sun is out - despite the ridiculous cold. We're both going to go chase a sunbeam coming in through one of the windows. We will probably have to fight a cat for it but it will be well worth the fight to get a little vitamin D via a small fleeting sunbeam. Hope all is well in your various worlds. Love, a & r
My company had its Holiday party last night. I figured we would NOT be going - lots of standing - lots of noise - and just difficult to do when you don't feel great. So, I was knocked off my feet when Roger suggested at the beginning of the week that we should go to the party, even if only for a little while. We managed to stay for about an hour and a half. It was an odd study of a humanity. As we walked around, many of my co-workers came up to introduce themselves to Roger and in the next sentence to tell him they were praying for him. It just kinda left me scratching my head with a quizzical look on my face. The sentiment was offered in a very genuine way, very kind way....but was just so strange when no other conversation surrounded the statement. The other thing I noticed is a few people kinda studying Roger from across the room. I guess I don't know what I necessarily expected....it was just odd. After wishing happy holidays to all, munching on a few appetizers, and sipping a drink (soda for roger...and something a smidge stronger for me), we wandered to the door and made our exit.
On the drive home, my sweet hubby humored me and did a little holiday light tour. He drove us by this house I discovered a couple years ago. Its a VERY Merry Christmas house - in a beautiful little neighborhood close to our home. As we turned the corner onto this little quiet street, we were overwhelmed with the bright glow of holiday lights coming from this one house (you KNOW their electric meter was spinning like crazy). Lights top to bottom and bottom to top, throughout the yard. Lights EVERYWHERE. There were life size toy soldiers, santas, ornaments, reindeer. You name it...if it was associated with Christmas and had lights, it was in the yard. And as so often is the case with contagious holiday merriment....lights looked like they were starting to slowly infect the rest of the neighborhood. We speculated as to whether or not the other neighbors' tasteful, understated lights displays were hopeful attempts at "encouraging" their neighbor with huge Christmas Spirit on steroids to maybe....tone it down. Regardless, it didn't work. But it DID bring a huge smile to both of our faces. We then drove our quiet neighborhood and enjoyed the various light displays and finally pulled into the driveway.
Today appears to be a "down" day for Roger. He is up and sitting in his chair but keeps dozing off. His neck is causing pain spasms down his back so he has a heating pad around his neck in an attempt to reduce the spasms. So, quiet it will be for the time being.
We've decided we are most likely going to venture out for the Wethington Xmas tree tomorrow. The temperature should warm up slightly (ha!) to a toasty upper 30s....much better than today's morning temperature of 18 degrees warming to a whopping 30 degrees maybe. TOASTY. I'm already gathering winter wear layers for Roger. He'll look like the abominable snowman with his awesome furry hat. A new challenge we have is that NONE of his winter coats fit. They all look like he's wearing his dad's clothes. We (the royal we...translating to ME) need to go buy new winter wear for Skinny. That may be an evening adventure for me later tonight.
Sun is out - despite the ridiculous cold. We're both going to go chase a sunbeam coming in through one of the windows. We will probably have to fight a cat for it but it will be well worth the fight to get a little vitamin D via a small fleeting sunbeam. Hope all is well in your various worlds. Love, a & r
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Brief stint in hell...and now the trip out
Yep, it was a pretty nasty stint in hell. Roger was flat out miserable. For a couple days he simply couldn't get comfortable. He'd wake up 3-4 times a night and need to sit up or would thrash around in bed or on the sofa. We spent a couple nights downstairs - Roger on the sofa and me across from him sleeping on the recliner. When he's in the midst of the worst part of treatment, I like to stay close by. There have been a couple times where he has woken up in the middle of the night aspirating. Its all pretty unsettling.
He is now slowly coming out of the the hell we've come to know from chemo. He is getting more chirpy and is starting to move about the house a little more. He ventured out briefly today to get lunch (and you KNOW it was fast food); this was the first time since last Friday. Its so odd. Roger used to get stir crazy if he was in the house for more than a day or two. Now its days on end and he doesn't seem to notice the minutes/hours/days tick away. I guess its a good thing he doesn't notice...you'd be even more miserable if you realized you'd been couped up for so long. Its just great to see him up and moving. As he starts to feel better and more conscious, he starts back up where he left off over a week ago with projects, conversations, etc. Its like life goes on hold for 5-7 days - almost frozen - and then as the chemo's intensity decreases you resume life where you left off. Strange.
Many thanks to all for the offers to go with me or go get a Christmas tree for us. I have been hugely tempted to jump on the offer but I've held off for two reasons: 1) its one of our few traditions (so I hate to NOT go with Roger), and 2) I've been hoping he'd be up for a small trip out to get him out of the house. He announced tonight he'd be up for going out this weekend to search a nearby tree lot to find a suitable tree. (Yahoo!) He is already planning the various layers he'll bundle up in to stave off the cold. Here is are a couple pictures of him this week when he was going to go out to the garage to get something from his car. I just got him the hat along with long underwear. Layers, baby! I LOVE the hat. He isn't so sure but he likes how warm his head and neck is.
He is now slowly coming out of the the hell we've come to know from chemo. He is getting more chirpy and is starting to move about the house a little more. He ventured out briefly today to get lunch (and you KNOW it was fast food); this was the first time since last Friday. Its so odd. Roger used to get stir crazy if he was in the house for more than a day or two. Now its days on end and he doesn't seem to notice the minutes/hours/days tick away. I guess its a good thing he doesn't notice...you'd be even more miserable if you realized you'd been couped up for so long. Its just great to see him up and moving. As he starts to feel better and more conscious, he starts back up where he left off over a week ago with projects, conversations, etc. Its like life goes on hold for 5-7 days - almost frozen - and then as the chemo's intensity decreases you resume life where you left off. Strange.
Many thanks to all for the offers to go with me or go get a Christmas tree for us. I have been hugely tempted to jump on the offer but I've held off for two reasons: 1) its one of our few traditions (so I hate to NOT go with Roger), and 2) I've been hoping he'd be up for a small trip out to get him out of the house. He announced tonight he'd be up for going out this weekend to search a nearby tree lot to find a suitable tree. (Yahoo!) He is already planning the various layers he'll bundle up in to stave off the cold. Here is are a couple pictures of him this week when he was going to go out to the garage to get something from his car. I just got him the hat along with long underwear. Layers, baby! I LOVE the hat. He isn't so sure but he likes how warm his head and neck is. I'm sure the days will continue to improve. Will share more Roger stories as they begin to emerge as he comes out of chemo hell. g'night. ~ a
Friday, December 2, 2011
The only thing you can predict about cancer is that it is unpredictable...or rather the treatment of it and its impact on the poor patient is unpredictable. Ok, that's not completely accurate. With every treatment we predict the aftermath on Roger will be bad, and we think we anticipate or can predict the level of bad. I'm here to tell you, NOPE, no way to predict how bad bad is. We've gotten better at predicting when the bad days will hit and are getting better at predicting how long the bad days will be. But holymoly we suck at anticipating how bad things will get.
Roger's decent to hell was immediate from the moment he sat in the chair to start receiving infusion. He didn't sleep at all last night - couldn't get comfortable. All the pain and discomfort was amped up. Usually if I give him a back rub or neck rub or foot rub it will help mitigate the rawness and provide some level of relief. Not this time. Despite having extra narcotics on board as prescribed by Roger's pain mgmt doctor, nothing has helped. Roger had a new side effect present today which is pretty darn scary. As we were getting ready this morning, he came upstairs to change clothes. I was working in our office. He came in and said, "Feel my chest/heart." I reached up and placed my hand on his chest to feel his heart beating rapidly as though he had just run a sprint. When we researched this protocol of chemo, we read one of the side effects could be rapid heart rate. Scary. So he went into the bedroom and sat down. I got up and chased down the rest of his clothes. Eventually, Roger's heart rate slowed back down.
Today we went back to the infusion center to have Roger's chemo pump removed. The hematology/oncology center is two story -with the infusion area on the second floor. All things considered, its a very pretty building. Every time we go there, since we first started this adventure over two years ago, Roger has always insisted we take the stairs up to the infusion area - no matter how badly he felt - he has always insisted on taking the stairs. Today, he stopped at the elevator and pushed the button. With tears in his eyes, he simply said "I just cant". We waited and waited and waited and waited. No elevator. With a sigh, he turned and started slowly up the stairs. As we got about half way up, we heard the "ding" of the elevator bell. Freakin' elevator showed up after we left! Go figure.
Once we got back home today and Roger sank back into the sofa, he quietly declared "We need to reduce the dosage of the noxious part of the chemo. This is the worst I have felt since we've started....I can't feel like this again". So, we'll revisit the discussion once Roger starts feeling better again. As I mentioned in the last post, Roger's doctor said we could consider altering the treatment because the cancer had responded to favorably to the treatment thus far. No decisions today when the bad is as bad as it is.
OK, not related to the cancer and treatment: We have the strangest thing going on in the house lately. As the weather turned cold we have been inundated by lady bugs. Every evening we catch 4-5 lady bugs and release them outside. Well... we release those that don't end up in the fish tank. No exaggeration...EVERY evening... ladybugs all over the family room area. Its really so incredibly odd. This has happened for the last couple years.
The weekend will be quiet. My plans are to rake the remaining leaves which finally fell, put up the remaining inside Xmas decorations and maybe, just maybe got get a Christmas tree from one of the local tree stands.
More later~ a
Roger's decent to hell was immediate from the moment he sat in the chair to start receiving infusion. He didn't sleep at all last night - couldn't get comfortable. All the pain and discomfort was amped up. Usually if I give him a back rub or neck rub or foot rub it will help mitigate the rawness and provide some level of relief. Not this time. Despite having extra narcotics on board as prescribed by Roger's pain mgmt doctor, nothing has helped. Roger had a new side effect present today which is pretty darn scary. As we were getting ready this morning, he came upstairs to change clothes. I was working in our office. He came in and said, "Feel my chest/heart." I reached up and placed my hand on his chest to feel his heart beating rapidly as though he had just run a sprint. When we researched this protocol of chemo, we read one of the side effects could be rapid heart rate. Scary. So he went into the bedroom and sat down. I got up and chased down the rest of his clothes. Eventually, Roger's heart rate slowed back down.
Today we went back to the infusion center to have Roger's chemo pump removed. The hematology/oncology center is two story -with the infusion area on the second floor. All things considered, its a very pretty building. Every time we go there, since we first started this adventure over two years ago, Roger has always insisted we take the stairs up to the infusion area - no matter how badly he felt - he has always insisted on taking the stairs. Today, he stopped at the elevator and pushed the button. With tears in his eyes, he simply said "I just cant". We waited and waited and waited and waited. No elevator. With a sigh, he turned and started slowly up the stairs. As we got about half way up, we heard the "ding" of the elevator bell. Freakin' elevator showed up after we left! Go figure.
Once we got back home today and Roger sank back into the sofa, he quietly declared "We need to reduce the dosage of the noxious part of the chemo. This is the worst I have felt since we've started....I can't feel like this again". So, we'll revisit the discussion once Roger starts feeling better again. As I mentioned in the last post, Roger's doctor said we could consider altering the treatment because the cancer had responded to favorably to the treatment thus far. No decisions today when the bad is as bad as it is.
OK, not related to the cancer and treatment: We have the strangest thing going on in the house lately. As the weather turned cold we have been inundated by lady bugs. Every evening we catch 4-5 lady bugs and release them outside. Well... we release those that don't end up in the fish tank. No exaggeration...EVERY evening... ladybugs all over the family room area. Its really so incredibly odd. This has happened for the last couple years.
The weekend will be quiet. My plans are to rake the remaining leaves which finally fell, put up the remaining inside Xmas decorations and maybe, just maybe got get a Christmas tree from one of the local tree stands.
More later~ a
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