Roger S. Wethington 5/10/1960 - 8/19/2012

I've been searching...searching for the words to post.  And I realized the problem isn't the words escaping me, rather the problem is there are no words adequate to express the thought, the emotion, the loss, the heartbreak.  There simply aren't any words.  The impossible became possible.

The beautiful, creative, kind spirit I have had the pleasure (and sure a little spousal frustration) of loving for the past 17 years of marriage and known for over 25 years is gone.  Roger left us quietly Sunday evening just before 10:00 pm.  He was here at home with me at his side and our cat Hemi snuggled around Roger's feet.  The moment was quiet and as peaceful as it could be. 

Roger has been slowly making his exit for sometime as you've come to know through our blog.  His slow exit became more accelerated over the last month and most especially over the last week.  As much as I wanted to scream (and did in the deep depths of my heart),  "Don't go.  Please don't go." I didn't and simply couldn't do that to him.  This poor amazing man has fought so hard for so long.  Three, very very long difficult years.  As his body continued to become more frail, and his strength and dexterity left him, and his cognitive ability continued to fade, I found that I couldn't possibly ask him to stay...no matter what my heart was saying.  Infact, the last week, I told him it was ok to go.  And now, sitting here in the stillness and quiet of our home, needing him and missing him more than I do the air I breathe I still realize he needed to go.  He is gone to create a new adventure.  He is off to create new more amazing art, build more grand homes, set off to sail beautiful blue waters in another world. 

Roger has touched so many with his skill, his talent, his generousity, his friendship, and his love.  He has imprinted deeply on my soul and is a forever part of me.

 I know the loss and hurt so many of you are feeling and have been expressing to me.  Roger would be so touched to know all of the love and admiration you feel for him.

For me, the saddness and grieving comes and goes in waves.  Sometimes a small wave washing against my shore, other times a tsunami swallowing me whole.

I don't know how much longer I will continue the blog.  I think I'll keep it for a little while to share stories which come out from friends and family at the memorial services and the celebration of life gathering. 

I'm sorry Roger had to leave us but am relieved he will not be suffering any more.  And, I truly feel fortunate I had this amazing person - the love of my life - for 17 albeit it too-short years. 

~ angie

Early post

Rather than wait until the end of the evening when rational thought and energy have all escaped me, thought I'd try posting a little earlier. 

We had a an exceptional special, perfect moment yesterday.  It was early evening, say 5:30 or 6:00 ish.  Roger was quietly sleeping.  I was outside in our courtyard chatting with a friend who had stopped by for a quick visit.  As she and I were talking, we heard a "ph-thunk" against the window near the back door.  Hmmm.  Earl the fat cat jumped...ok lumbered up to see what the noise was.  Meanwhile a hummingbird hovered about 2-3 feet above Earl. Obviously the bird was not worried that the rather substantial cat would get him.  It soon buzzed off.  I decided to check out what the noise was....turns out a little hummingbird whacked itself against our window.  I picked the little guy up (only a foot away from Fat Earl) and held it in my hands.  It was breathing but limp.  My friend grabbed on of the many hummingbird feeders I had hanging and brought it to me.  I held the little guy up to it and for

ced its teensy weensy little beak into the sweet liquid.  We could see its little throat moving and if we focused hard enough we could see its tiny tiny little tongue slip into the nectar.  Well the little guy was simply out of it and could barely stand on the feeder.  We decided to leave him be to come to his senses.  My friend meanwhile left.  I went in to check on Roger and then would dance in and out of the house checking on Roger then the little bird then Roger then the little bird.  You get the picture.  As the little guy was trying to recuperate he was being dive bombed by another hummingbird (they are HORRIBLY territorial).  So, THAT was not going to work.  I cupped the little guy in my hands and decided, if I could wake Roger, it would be the perfect moment to share with him.  Likewise, it would get the little bird out of harms way.  Roger not only woke from his slumber (harder and harder as of late) but he pet the little guy's head as I gently held the bird in front of his face.  It was soooo cool.  Never mind the harms way I put the bird in with the THREE cats now in the house two of which are abled bodied and would have loved to chase a little birdie.  In retrospect my little perfect moment could have gone horribly wrong and been a horror show of sorts.  Fortunately the stars and moons aligned and I was able to share one more special moment with Roger. Wish I had had one more set of hands to take a picture of Roger petting the little guy's head and see the small smile on Roger's face.  Truly precious moment.

Roger's pain appears to be well controlled. He rarely winces with pain and if he does then I push his pain button and the wince slowly disappears. He continues to quietly fade.  He is no longer eating...I think its been 3 days and is drinking very little.  His time is spent sleeping.  When he wakes albeit it briefly, I try to get him to shift or rather I try to shift him in bed for fear of bedsores forming.  He will give me a brief smile, a brief locking of eyes when he wakes momentarily and then will slip back to sleep.  Its sweet and sad...bitter sweet. 

Roger and I talked on Monday...the last day we really had much of a conversation, he pointed to the room and said "this is a good room, its square AND, its a no tears zone."  So, as a random tear leaked out, I quickly dried it and smiled at him and said "you're right. Its a no tears zone."  I'm afraid I'm going to be breaking that rule soon.

I've been able to stave off much of the sadness and heartbreak but know I can't much longer. I've been able to channel all my energy and sadness into caring for Roger...fighting the fight.  

Sitting here quietly listening to the rain hit the windows, mixed with the deep breathing of my darling husband.  The cats have vanished (they hate storms).  Can't imagine my world without Roger but am watching him slowly vanish before my eyes.

~ a & r

The setting tonight:  Roger snugged into his bed (as he has been all day) with virtually every pillow in the house safely cradling his frail body.  Two of our four-legged friends are in the room, one of whom spent most of the day with Roger in bed.  Me, I'm in the recliner tonight.  I've added about 4-5 inches of padding and blankets and comforters.  The chair is positioned exactly the same as the bed's incline.  While I'd prefer to be snugged in next to Roger in bed, I just can't dislodge him from his nest.

I've thought about what to post tonight several times today and came up with random thoughts:

Thought 1.  Cancer is a thief:  it steals your peace of mind, it steals time, it steal life, it steals so much.  It has taken Roger's dexterity, his personality, his wit. He has lost most of his ability to control his left hand which is heart breaking for a guy who worked with is hands as much as Roger did.  I've watched him to the point of suffocation on my part, as he tries and tries to use his left hand to pick up a pill and simply cannot do it. 

Thought 2.  Perfect and imperfect moments.  My friend Katie shared with me an expert from a blog she follows.  The author referenced Chronos and Kairos time - my simplistic read was imperfect and perfect time.  Roger and I have certainly seen plenty of both.  Imperfect time - the everyday stuff, sometimes drudgery.  Then the perfect moments which include holding hands, a simple smile or simple statement. This morning, I was buzzing around and turned to look back at Roger.  He was actually staring at me.  I asked, "And what are you looking at?",  I expected no response.  He blinked his beautiful blue eyes and said, "The woman I love".  Hmmm, a perfect moment. 

Thought 3.  Peace.  All we can ever ask for ourselves and other is peace.  Simple, quiet, soul resting peace.  This morning, I think we both found it.  Roger woke very lucid (he's been more spacey and out of it).  He talked about the comfort of the room, and the comfort of where he was, and that he was happy that it was the two of us together.  I asked if he was at peace, he said yes, I feel very peaceful.   He did asked about moving the bed, which is ironic because I had literally been thinking the same thing before he actually voiced the request.  I thought it might be nice for him to see the fish tank, the TV and the view out the window.  He just had a wild hair. So, I moved everything out of the way, and proceeded to move the bed with Roger in it.  After shifting it all around, we both decided it was better the way it was.  oh well.

Bunch more thoughts floating around out there mixed with a whole lotta of emotion all flowing from a very heavy heart.  Cancer is stealing Roger away.  We - Roger - has fought hard and it seems like such a contradiction to stop fighting but his body just can't do anything more.  He said this morning, he is just soooo tired.  Who wouldn't be after this fight?  And through it all, he has remained an amazing spirit.  He's a super hero to me. 

Gotta go. We spent most of the day holding hands and I can't hold his hand now when I'm busy typing.  Think peaceful thoughts and send them our way.  all our love, a & r

Weekend? What weekend?

Actually, it doesn't matter whether its a weekend or not.  All the days are blending together.  My best way of keeping track is this daily medical journal I keep about Roger, each day I start with the day and date....my reference point....and then enter how the prior evening went, what the pain levels were, how coherent Roger was/wasnt, bowel movements (sorry, too much info, I know), as well as what Roger ate...or as of late what Roger didn't eat. 

All things said, the weekend was an ok weekend.  We had brief visits from Aunt Barb and Uncle David, my folks, and our friends Katie and Joe as well as our new renters for one of our rental properties.  I know you must be thinking, "what?  Why would renters come visit? "  Well, its interesting. We have had terrible luck with renters and quite frankly I had planned to NOT rent the property again. Sell it for whatever I could get and be done with it.  When this family called me out of the blue.  They are latin american.  And, just about the nicest people (so far).  I have run into.  They insisted on painting and cleaning the house (prior renters did us NO favors) and do as many repairs as they could (Eric and Paul bailed us out AGAIN on the other repairs).  Anyway, everytime I would talk to the father of the family he would say he wanted to make sure Roger saw pictures of the house and how they were going to take care of it, etc.  He asked if he could meet Roger and show him pictures.  So, I checked with Roger and he was, very suprisingly up for meeting Victor Ramierez.  Today Victor and his ENTIRE family (all six of them - 5 of which are adults!) showed up.  Everyone of them shook Roger's hand, and chatted with him. All the while showing beautiful pictures of what they had done to the house.  I know I know.  I shouldn't get all excited, but honestly stupid as it sounds, I - rather WE - try to think the best of people AND we like to try to take care of others.  So, we'll see. This will be our third latin american family in the house.  Based on the work they put into the house with NO guarantee I would rent to them....I have a reasonably good feeling.  As for Roger, well, he had a small grin on his face when they left.  The other touching thing is they offered - through the one daughter who spoke the best english - to come sit with Roger if I ever needed to run errands. They said it would allow them to get to know him better and would allow them to pick his brain since they love our rental house and all the beautiful work Roger put into that house (it was our old house prior to this one).  Anyway, a very sweet offer. 

Saturday as mentioned above, we had laughs with David and Barb.  Roger was able to get the "boss" in him out when David offered to "trim" (ummmmm, SCALP) our trees in the courtyard.  You see, we have these two trees which were supposed to be small trees which have grown and grown and were rubbing against the gutters of the house on the second floor.  So, as the four of us sat outside chatting in the courtyard you would here the skreech skreech skreech of tree branches against the gutters as the wind blew.  For me, I view it as the house and nature communicating. Roger and David did not agree.  So with an able bodied helper, Roger was able to get the trees trimmed.  David became Roger's extended self.  Our little trees no longer communicate with house and now look like they have a crew cut.  :-)  Actually its a good thing in the long run....I just told Barb and David they were going to make it to the blog as Tree Scalpers....and actually I should say DAVID is the tree scalper.  Barb tried to be the voice of reason but there was no stopping Roger and his mighty helper!

As you can tell, Roger made it outside Saturday. It was a beautiful day to sit outside.  He was awake for most of the time and participated in the conversation.  Today, however, he was pretty snoozy which makes sense because he had a bad night last night.  He went to sleep at 11:00, work at 1:00, at 3:00, at 5:00, at 7:00 and then 9:00.  I gave up around 7:30.  He was having problems with that mucus stuff.  Sooooo I got out the motion sickness patch again today to try it.  I *do* think it helps but also think it adds to his existing exhaustion.  Today, though, I cut the patch in half.  We'll see how we do tonight and tomorrow.  Cross your fingers. 

As for food, well, its been a constant "nudge" by me  (nudging sounds better than nagging, huh?).  Despite CONSTANT nudging the food count today was 2 pancakes and 1/2 an egg, a popsicle, a peach, 1/2 a kiwi, a bite or two of brownie, 1/2 a lite protein drink, and a bite or two of cookie...and THAT I believe was it.  Not enough to sustain a humming bird and certainly not enough to sustain a sick husband. 

We had yet another clash of the titans albeit a small one, though a recurring theme.  Roger was "indisposed" and I was changing the linens on the bed.  I ran upstairs to chase down pillow cases and new boxer shorts for him.  I specifically said, "now do NOT get up until I get back.  I will have new boxer shorts for you and linens for the bed. Do NOT get up, got it?"  Response, "yep, got it."  Upstairs I race and frantically flip clean close from the laundry basket onto the abandoned master bed.  Rooting through the massive pile, I pull out several clean pillow cases and a new pair of grunderoos.  Back down the stairs I race and to the half bath on the main floor to find skinny-mini STANDING on his own pulling up the existing boxers (NOW you can tell where he was).  And in my most NOT controlled caregiving way I barked, "DUDE!?!?!  WHAT are you doing?  I thought we agreed - YOU agreed- to wait for me.  WHAT if you fell???  ARE you trying to kill ME?  It would absolutely destroy me if you fell again." blah blah blah, you get the tone. His response which cooled the tempest in me, "I knew I was fine, plus, I gotta learn how to do this again and get stronger."...ok, so, I got nothing.  All I could do was extend my hand into his, grab his pain pump and lead him back to the bed.  Once he was snugged back into bed, I continued the balance of the evening preparation.  As I left the room I held up my fist and indicated "POW, a knuckle sandwich".  To which Roger raised an eyebrow and said he'd be sleeping with one eye open.  Probably a good idea.

We both try to find moments of humor and levity and simple displays of love all of which get more precious as Roger gets quieter with increased naps lasting longer and longer. 

more soon.  hugs, a & r

I thought I had posted yesterday and looked back to see it was WEDNESDAY.  Roger and I both are losing track of time.  It all blends together.  I can keep track for work stuff but lose track for anything beyond that. 

Tonight will have to be a quick post.  I'm pooped.  Roger is pooped.  So, here's the quick scoop.

Pain was up today.  The nurse came to change out his medicine and bring a new supply as well as change his port access.  She was a diiiinnnnnngggggg baaaattt.  Every other word was "is this how your regular nurse does this?  What kind of tubing are they using?  Oh, I'm not familiar with that."  Gotta tell you, she did NOT instill any level of confidence in me.  I hovered to act as a double check.  Kinda think it was a good thing.  She was nice enough and all.  I just don't get the impression she calls on patients much.  Our nurse had an emergency and couldn't make it to see us.  Oh, well.  We just learn to be more diligent in our watch. 

Roger has been chasing the pain most of the day and hasn't been able to get comfortable.  We've shifted pillows alot.  Moved him from the bed to the recliner to the bed to the recliner.  He has also complained of some shortness of breath.  We've shifted this evening to the bed.  I've set up my bed next to his a little earlier than normal.  Hoping we have as good a night sleep as last night (10:30 - 6:00!!!).  I'm apprehensive.  As I type, Roger is using this device with a compressor to suck the phlegm and mucos out of his mouth and throat.  So the load rumble of a small compressor shakes our family room.  Cats usually scatter when I turn on the machine.  Regardless, it seems to help. 

Despite being in pain and pretty tired, Roger did have a couple funny moments albeit humor not to be shared in "polite" company.  The first (which will NOT be spelled out) was this morning.  He had taken a sip of drink.  I turned to see him with his cheeks full falling back asleep.  I tapped his arm and said "dude, you're not a chipmunk.  Either swallow or spit that out."... a moment later he whispered, "that sounds like a joke that goes...."  and here is where I will NOT spell out the comment but had to do with swallowing or spitting.  Such a funny guy.  NOT.  Then later in the day, Paul had stopped by to pick up something.  As Paul sat next to Roger, Roger dropped something or asked me to do something at his feet (I've blocked out WHAT he asked me to do).  I stood up to see my skinny husband giving Paul a high five and saying to me, "I managed to look down your shirt AND Paul got a look too."  REALLY???  REALLY????  The man just isn't right.  Granted, he has a twisted sense of humor which trickles out when I least expect it.  Funny man.

We've had some serious conversations lately.  As we have many times over the years.  They are just so much more poignant now. 

Well, gotta go.  As I mentioned at the start of this post.  I'm pooped.  He's pooped.  Cats are pooped.  Whole lotta pooped on this end.  xxooxxoo ~ a & r

Life is all about balancing

We all look for balance at some point in life.  Work/Life balance.  Eating too much/eating too little balance.  Drinking too much/drinking too little (is that possible?) .  Anyway, you get the picture.  Its all about balance.  We find ourselves looking for that balance on a daily balance.  And maybe, "balance" isn't the right word.  There is a fine line we maneuver as Roger's condition becomes more fragile.  He has been sleeping nearly non-stop over the last two days.  The fine line or balance is waking Roger to eat, to hydrate, to talk with visitors, to exercise his bones/muscles verses sleeping.  He says he wants to eat, drink, etc. but then falls asleep mid-bite or mid-drink.  I've had to rescue cups on the verge of tipping held in Roger's thin hands.  I've also had to rescue (sometimes not so successfully) bites of peanut butter cracker, iced cupcake, etc.  Thus the increased quantity of laundry lately as I'm constantly changing out linens. 

As I mentioned above, Roger slept the majority of the day today.  He did wake around the lunch hour.  Decided he needed to use the bathroom which proved unsuccessful.  I told him we needed to watch that because a couple of the medicines he's on have a side effect of possible difficulty in urinating.  He responded he wanted to try a bath before we resulted in having to call the nurse to do a catheter.  Ok, a bath.  No big deal, right?  We've done at least three since we've been home.  So as is the case with all the other trips to the tub, we started to mobilize.  I carry the pouch with his pain medicine and pump.  I slither under his arm pit and he uses a cane in his other hand...and off we set, very slowly to the stairwell and then navigate, one stair at a time upward.  Again, no big deal...we've done this drill.  Well, today.....Roger was much much weaker and spacey.  As we made our way up the stairs his frail leg (one side is significantly weaker than the other) kept giving out.  Additionally, Roger's balance must be off.  I kept coaching him to lean forward into the stairs as we moved upward.  He kept leaning backward.  We finally made it to the top step, paused to catch our breath and get our senses.  All the while I continued to say "you've GOT to lean your weight forward dear.  You are leaning back and its pulling us both. We are going to end up in a ball of bones and ooze at the bottom of the stairs"  He responded "I AM leaning forward."   So the Titans clashed again.  Nonetheless, we made it upstairs and got him into the tub.  Getting him out of the tub proved to be much more difficult.  He simply had NO strength today whatsoever.  I ended up having to get into the tub behind Roger and squat behind him to lift him up to the tub's edge.  We finally got him out and let him rest in our bed.  I had called for reinforcements (my brother and dad) to assist with the return trip down the stairs.  They showed up moments later and assisted with the trip back to the recliner on the main floor.  Not sure if this was just a bad random day, if he was exceptionally pooped, or if this is his poor body weakening. 

As I've mentioned before, Roger's voice is gone due to the paralyzed vocal cord.  He speaks in whispers only.  And lately those whispers have gotten even more faint.  So our ever resourceful friend Paul stopped by with a solution today!  (me thinks he has found a way to torture me and the cats) He set up an amplifier and microphone for Roger to use.  Now, he can give directions to me and "yell" at the cats and we'll actually hear him!  Hmmmm, a good thing....or a bad thing when the Titans are clashing.  :-)

Thats it for now.  Hope your world is what you want it to be. Ours is slowing down and getting a lot more quiet.
love, a & r

A formula for you

One adjustable hospital bed plus one skinny human weighing about 120 lbs plus one human weighing somewhere between 95 lbs - 200 lbs (how bout that range?), plus one furry 4-legger weighing 12 lbs, plus one furry 4-legger weighing 16 lbs = one super cozy family bed with 4 relatively snuggly beings happy to be with each other.  That little formula has replayed itself the last several nights with different variations.  Sometimes one fur ball, sometimes two fur balls but always two human beings for at least some point in the evening....I absolutely LOVE to snug up to my skinny hubby. 

The last two nights have been a study in opposites. Extreme opposites.  Saturday night was a GREAT night. Roger slept from 11:30 to 9:30!!!! Holy Hell it was freakin awesome.  Neither of us could believe it!  In stark contrast...last night (sunday night) .  Went to bed at 11:30 ish like always.  Woke at 12:30, at 1:30, at 2:30 and at 4:30.  Holy hell...not in a good way holy hell...but holy hell in a bad way.  He had the phlegm mucus thing going then had to go to the bathroom a couple times.  It was a loooonnnnnggggg night.  Not sure if the day of visitors had any impact or if it was just good ol' freakin Murphys Law at work.  (by the way...um, HATE Murphy...whoever he or she is). 

It was a big day today.  Roger had loads of visitors which was good albeit a smidge exhausting.  Keeps his brain engaged. He sat outside for a majority of the afternoon which means a trip down and up 4 steps in the courtyard.  Then after all the guests left, he decided he wanted a bath.  So, up the 15 stairs (yep, I know EXACTLY how many stairs) and into the bath he went.  With a soft sigh *ahhhhh* he settled into the water for a soak.  He shaved off the beard he was toying with and lathered up with some yummy frufru soap.  A couple hours later we were making our way back down the stairs and him into bed.   Balance of the evening was changing linens on his bed, doing some work, cleaning the kitchen, putting clean dishes away and dirty dishes into the dishwasher and then laying out all the evening stuff and drugs for the night.   Now in the quiet of the evening I'm left to the dueling snores coming from my skinny husband and my slightly (ok, more than slightly) overweight cat. 

Roger's pain today was under decent control.  On a scale of 1-10 with 10 the worse he said he averaged a 3-4.  Spikes upward and downward depending on how much he moved, etc.  He didn't eat a lot but gave it the college try.  1 1/2 eggs and 1 1/2 toast for late breakfast, icecream bites, 1 piece of cheesy garlic toast, buttered popcorn, 1/2 a cookie.  Will work on more food especially protein tomorrow.  Getting harder and harder to get him to consume protein. 

Our silly moments of late include me teasing Roger with a random flash of the bootie or my mammary glands (sorry Dad...I gotta keep my hubby engaged).  Tonight Roger looked at me with a roll of his eyes and said, "what, that's it?? "  You see,  I didn't give a complete show. Gotta leave SOMETHING to the imagination!  His comment was, "you need to give my imagination a break...help a guy out here. " yah yah yah.  Sooooo sorry.  You're STILL going to have to work for it.  NO breaks here. 

My brother Alan is working on a trip to the State Fair for the three of us.  Roger has ALWAYS loved going to the Fair and so have I.  It was an opportunity to eat corn on the cob, pork stuff, beef stuff, and all sorts of food fried that shouldn't be fried.  I didn't think Roger would even consider the idea but when I floated it by him he actually said, you know, that might be a lot of fun. sooooooo, I think we may give it a whirl.  Roger loves to go to the farm tools and wood working area.  me?  I just love corn on the cob...well, corn on the cob...AND Roger. 

The week should prove to be busy.  More family and friend visits all week.  Plus, I'm hoping to get him into the spa (that sounds sooooo sheshe...makes me laugh to say it) to get a massage. Work stuff.  Rental property stuff.  You name it and we're gonna try to do it. 

Gotta go.  I never know when he is going to have a good night sleeping (which means WE have a good/bad night).  Grab the zzzzz's when you can.

love and hugs to all. a & r.