Boo!

Oh yah.  Its Halloween.  Oh yah, my hubby feels decent.  Oh yah, my decent feeling hubby came home with not one, not two, but THREE pumpkins to be carved.  When he hit the door, we set up our pumpkin carving station.  Newspapers spread on the counter, various pumpkin carving tools ranging from knives, spoons, scoops, saws, drills, and dremmel tools...because you KNOW if Roger is involved then power tools are involved.

The chosen designs.  1) another polka dot pumpkin cuz I love 'em and my hubby patronizes me, and 2) a cat-design because, well, because we might have a couple cats living here with us, and 3) a spider because, well, because its Halloween and Halloween screams creepy!

Pumpkins got carved, candles lit and inserted and then jack-o-lanterns were strategically placed on the front porch and in the window in the garage.  All to attract the little tricksters...lights turned on throughout the house.  "Yes, we're home!  Yes, we have candy!"

I put on my Halloween hat (no, Roger, its NOT my everyday hat).  And oh, happy day!  They came.  Not hundreds, not masses and masses.  I *did* have to practically stand along the sidewalk pulling kids to the front porch.  But nonetheless, we got trick or treaters. 
I 'm guessing we probably had about 30 or so.  No award winning numbers but we had some little cuties.  Just good fun.  

Pumpkin seeds have been cleaned, seasoned and baked.  Two kinds:  1) Garlic Salted with a tiny pinch of cayenne pepper, and 2) sugar with cinnamon and a pinch of salt.  So yummy.  The Garlic salted seeds were for me.  The cinnamon and sugar seeds were for Roger.  He's the sweet one...NOT me!!   It just ain't Halloween if you don't have pumpkin seeds.  As we munch away on the seeds, we looked at each other and declared "we're gonna need more pumpkins to get more pumpkin seeds!"

So, that's Halloween with the Wethingtons.  The cats did NOT dig my fancy Halloween hat, so it will be put away for another year. 

Tomorrow Roger is headed to the boat with his friend Russ to winterize the rest of the boat.  I think the weather may actually cooperate with them. 

November 9th will be the next chemo treatment (boo!). Treatment # 8 (4 more to go after the 8th) !   Sometime after that treatment, Roger will have another CT scan to see how the tumors are responding to the chemo.  He remarked over the weekend how hard it is to believe that we are doing it again...beginning yet another cycle of this torture we call "treatment".  The thought left us both breathless...its getting harder and harder to screw up the courage/energy/etc to gear up for the next treatment.  Hard to believe we started all this right after July 4th.  Holyhell.  July, August, September, October...and now, November.  We both shake our heads incredulously when we hear of people who endure chemo for years and years.  Obviously, the "fight" instinct kicks in and you endure what you have to endure to make sure you keep on living.   But whew, it can paralyze you in your thoughts sometimes. 

Happy Halloween all you ghouls and goblins. hugs, a & r

Dark side of the moon...or rather, dark side of chemo/cancer

I can't seem to find a better word than "dark"....  We've had a pretty "dark" week.  Roger hasn't felt well until literally today.  The first day in - well - in a long time.  Coupled with his physical challenges, he has had a troubled week emotionally/mentally.  This all translates into both of us having a very dark, difficult week. Yesterday was probably one of the worst emotionally in a very long time.  So, whattdaya do?  Tighten your belt, tighten the guide lines around your waist, tie yourself to something sturdy and hope like hell you weather the storm in one piece. 

Cliched as it sounds, the sun came out today.  Roger felt measurably better.  His kind, funny, engaged personality came back.  We drove down to our boat to drop off some supplies, and do some initial winterizing of the boat, and winterize Dad's boat.  Mom and Dad were down at their river house which is about 15 minutes from the boat.  It was a really really great day.  Simple, pleasant, sunny, full of good conversation.  No sniping, no biting.  Good.  Simply good.  Roger had a lot more energy then we have seen in a long time.  He still had intestinal issues but the rest of his body was "ok".  Still pain, but manageable.  His brain and emotional well being were much better which was a big relief to both of us.  

With the good day came conversation about all the projects around the house which Roger wants to knock out.  He also was talking about some of the different ideas he had for things to do during the day beyond "honey-do" lists.  Its a huge relief to me to hear him talk about new projects/ventures he wants to do.  So much more forward thinking than Roger has in a while.  Forward thinking is a good thing.  Gotta stay positive.  Gotta believe.  Gotta believe.  The other relief for me, is that I worry about Roger just sitting on the sofa.  I think we all need purpose - a focal point - when you navigate a boat on the river during a storm or in the dark, you find your focal point - your wayward point (on the river they are blinking beacons).  Find that point. Focus on it. 

Halloween is fast upon us.  We usually try to carve up a couple pumpkins.  Great artistic expression for both of us.  I come up with the design and Roger executes it. We've had some good ones in the past.  Well, here we are on the eve of Halloween...and NO PUMPKINS.  WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?????  Ok, yah, it was a dark week.  But come on!   Usually one of us will pull up from the tail spin and at least BUY a pumpkin.  After my brother sent me a text with a picture of the pumpkins he and the kids did.....well, that was just the motivation we both needed.  Of course, it came around 8 tonight!  So, we have committed to pumpkin carving tomorrow.  Yep, a little late for the whole Halloween thing but that's ok.  Roger said he'd go out and hunt for pumpkins.  We'll carve tomorrow late afternoon/evening.  We don't really have to worry about trick or treaters.  For some reason, our street doesn't tend to get many trick or treaters. The streets around us get besieged with all the little tricksters.  But not us.  Its a big bummer.  I love seeing all the little guys dressed up - and love seeing the creativity.  The other bummer is that we have a big ol' bowl of candy "just in case"....and we all know what the true outcome will be.  Roger's skinny butt might get a little padding.  My not-so-skinny butt will get a lot more padding.

If we accomplish our pumpkin goal, I'll try to take some pictures and post them. 

Keep all the good thoughts flowing to Roger.  They make a difference.
Happy Halloween!  Dress up and get your Halloween vibe on!!!  Love, a & r

Normal just isn't normal

Many many moons ago...over 2 years ago...we learned, as do most cancer patients and their caregivers, normal becomes NOT normal and there comes a "new normal".  The unexpected, unpredictable, unbelievable all become a regular part of your world.  You can't predict the good days/bad days.  You just hunker down, suspend reality and hope the next moment will be one of the good ones and not the other.

Roger has been slowly climbing out of the chemo trenches...he aint out yet....but is getting closer.  He is currently dozing on and off in the recliner as we have fluids dripping into the IV tube hooked to his port.  TV drones on in the back ground and the tap tap tap of the keyboard as I update this blog.  We'll pull the needle this evening.  He said its really starting to be uncomfortable. So, the fluids will drip away for the next 1.5 hours or so until we disconnect him.

I came home from work this evening to find Roger outside helping our frail little ol' neighbor, Oneida, across the street rake and bag her leaves along the gutter of the street.  I nearly had a heart attack on two counts.  One for Oneida and the other for Roger.  Good grief.  This was the last thing either of these two needed to do.  I mistakenly interpreted Roger's level of activity as an indicator that he was feeling better.  He later revealed to me he couldn't let her do this by herself because he was sure SHE would have a heart attack.  (never mind HIM passing out...).  So this little odd couple managed to rake and bag up about 8 bags of leaves. As I approached I heard them bickering like two old hens.  Oneida, apparently can either talk...or work....but cannot do both at the same time.  So every person who walked by was greeted by Oneida with a 10 minute conversation.  All leaf-related work would stop.  Roger would try to wrangle her back into the leaf raking/bagging without much luck.  Then I learned, he additionally had to contend with being bonked on or upside the head...not once, not twice, but three times as Oneida would swing the end of her rake around with complete disregard of where Roger was.  The whole thing was so comical.  Literally left me in tears laughing.  As I would pick up bags to move to the end of her driveway, she would stop what she was doing to engage me in some story about her sister, or the leaves falling, or the weather, or ...you name it.  Meanwhile Roger would be standing behind her waiving his arms, making faces and saying "Oneida we are NEVER going to get done...rake rake rake".  Really pretty humorous.  He's known the old girl for 30+ years (remember, we bought the house from Roger's mom).

Anyway, it was an amusing moment.  Gotta appreciate them when you can.  I did, unfortunately learn later this evening that Roger was NOT feeling "good" but was merely helping with the leaves because he was worried about Oneida.  The manifestation of him feeling poorly is that he becomes snippy and short and turns mighty grumpy.  So, I quickly stored away my optimism and shined up my coat of armor to ward off any stray shots.  The cats have kept a low profile.

Where does time go?  When you're having fun...it flies.  When you're not having fun...it drags.  When you have too much to do...it disappears.  When there doesn't seem to be enough time...there just isn't enough time. Then, even if there is "time" ....then you just don't have energy.  Figures, huh? 

Time to change out the fluids for Roger.  One litre is done, now the "small bag" to go.  We'll most likely watch the clock tick midnight before we're done.  Since Roger doesn't really sleep much, the time doesn't seem to matter.  He is kinda lost in time/space. The TV will drone on in the back ground and I'll try to read a couple chapters in one of the books I'm reading.

Hope all is groovy in your world. ~ a

chemo sucks

Started chemo on Wednesday and it was a rapid decent to hell.  Roger said he felt poorly almost immediately and has been steadily going downhill since then.  He has been a trooper and has tried to eat as much as possible.  His nausea has been coupled with vomiting again.  Unfortunately we are all too familiar with the chemo drill.  Roger hasn't made much movement from the sofa except up to bed.  Beyond that, there hasn't been much activity.  I managed to get him to go for a walk around the neighborhood Friday (when the sun FINALLY came out). 

Chemo brain.  Yep, it really exists.  Roger has been SPACEEEEYYYYYY.  Very spacey.  He stares at the TV and nothing seems to register. Thursday and Friday he simply couldn't focus, couldn't respond to questions very well.  His brain seems to be back more today but its offset by the fact he feels sooooo badly.  He pretty much shuts down.  So, me and the cats hunker down and ride out the chemo storm until Roger comes back. 

His sensitivity to cold is waaaay up.  Friday, we got home from the infusion center.  I turned the heat up to 77 (holyhell!).  Roger was nestled into the sofa with pillows surrounding him in a nest.  He was wearing jeans, socks, shoes, two shirts and a sweater and STILL was cold.  I had to change out of light house pants and t-shrt into shorts and a tank top....and I STILL WAS SWEATING.  I told him there wasn't much more I could take off without the risk of terrifying the neighbors.  So, more blankets for Roger and a fan positioned in front of my chair. 
We're hoping tomorrow will be better than today.  We are still hooking Roger up to fluids at home.  Just finished the dosage for tonight.  We will infuse again tomorrow and Monday and then will pull his needle as its too uncomfortable long-term for him to sleep.  Sleep is so precious and limited that we hate to have anything impede his ability.  Nothing seems to get him completely through the nite...even the ever dreaded Ambien doesn't seem to do it. 

Roger did move our boat to the new marina last week.   It turned out to be a big trip that zapped him once he finally got home.  The wind was up which made for 4 foot waves out on the river.  I'll spare you all the details but suffice to say it was exhausting.  You don't realize how much your core works when you are on the water.  Since Roger's system has been so whacked from his surgeries and the cancer generally, he just doesn't have the stamina or energy he used to.  Layer on a lot of physical effort to get the jetski out and winterized, and the boat tied down in the new slip....just a whole lotta work.  His sister, cousin, and Roger left Louisville Sunday, went through the lock system on Monday afternoon (Dad got on the boat in Madison to go through the locks), and then tied up at the new dock late Monday afternoon.  They camped out on the boat Sunday and Monday evening.   I haven't seen the new slip yet but am familiar with the area.  It should be a good spot and a smidge closer to Indy.  We're looking forward to summer already (not too premature, right?).

Weekend has and will continue to be quiet.  I spent most of the day working.  Doesn't seem to matter how much I work....I cant get caught up.  drowning.  drowning  drowning.  I also ended up mowing the yard one last time and raked up a few piles of leaves.  Our trees seem to be stubborn this year and are holding onto their leaves.  We usually have 2-3 big leaf raking/bagging weekends.  Most of the leaves seem to be from the neighbors (damn neighbors)  :-)   Tis' the season.  I'm hoping to get Roger out tomorrow again for another walk - shuffling through the leaves seems like a perfect fall-day thing to do. 

Not much more on our end.  As I said in the title....chemo sucks.  Pretty simple.  Pretty basic...but it best describes where we are. 

go out and play in the leaves....snow will be here before we know it!   ~ a & r

a whole buncha stuff

First things first.  The procedure this morning went without issue.  I was not fully aware of EVERYTHING they were going to do which is a rarity for me. Control issue?  Me?  Naw.  Roger had met with the surgeon without me a couple weeks ago (I had work conflicts and we wanted to get him in sooner than later).  The downfall of Roger meeting with the doctor(s) without me is that a whole bunch of details...um....disappear.  So we are sitting in the pre-op patient room and the nurse is ticking through all the various "check you in" questions and then talks about the procedure, timing, where I go while he is in the op room, etc.  She ticks through they will do:  the endoscopy and scope the esophagus and stomach (ok, all is good...knew about all that...) and they will scope the bronchial tubes to the lungs.  WHAT?????   STOP THE PRESSES????   WHAT?  Scope the lungs?  hello?  I didn't know anything about that.  Calm little, well not so little, Angie had a mini coronary.    Apparently they wanted to check for some potential obstruction in the lungs.  Did Roger share that little factoid with me?  Bet you can answer that.   

Roger's surgeon came in after the procedure to tell me how everything went.  He's such a cute little dude.  Kinda round, definitely short (shorter than me).  Roger liked the fact he had little bitty hands way back when he did the original surgery.  Didn't want any big ol hulk hands in his chest when they took out his esophagus.  Ok to the point, no obstructions, no scar tissue, no issues noted. Good news definitely and yet bad news in that we STILL don't know whats causing the continued pain, discomfort and difficulty eating. Surgeon thinks it may be motility issues.  They speculate that the nerves and muscles around the stomach and what remains of the esophagus may been injured or weakened in the original surgery two years ago and as a result his system doesn't move food down and out to be evacuated (nice euphemism, huh?) like everyone else.  So, what do you do?  THROW MORE DRUGS AT THE SITUATION.  He is supposed to try an antibiotic which is supposed to help with motility. 

We did have a Roger moment at the hospital this morning.  As the nurse was finishing the check-in, just before they wheeled him off (I hate the wheeling him away thing  in a big big way - always takes my breath away) she asked if he had any jewelry, contacts, dentures, glasses, etc on.  They asked if he had re

moved his underwear as instructed.  He responded with how strange he thought that was since the doctor wasn't going anywhere near that end.  And the nurse, head still down doing her little check list, responded how twisty the surgical staff was about everything off so they don't have to worry about anything getting lost.  Roger...in the ever so typical Roger way....responded "well, hell.  What goes on in there anyway?  Is there some kind of party?  I want to be awake for any party where I lose my underwear!!"  ohdeargod, why doesn't my husband have a filter?  What am I talking about?  I dont' have much of a filter either.  The poor nurse turned pink and quickly fled the room.  I flipped the page of my magazine and shook my head. 

We're home.  He's been snoozing on and off.  Is tired.  Throat hurts like hell but is in one piece.  Has managed to eat a little here and there.  all and all, given the circumstances, is doing pretty ok. 

Have a fab weekend.  hugs, a

What's the theme?

I'm not sure what the theme or overall thought is for the post tonight.  We are on the eve of yet another trip to the hospital for another procedure.  Bright and early tomorrow we go to St. Vincents Hospital. Roger will have an endoscopic dialation...stretch the esophagus/stomach junction.  They will also endoscopically scope his stomach to see if he has ulcers.  All things considered, we are pretty mellow about the whole thing.  Its a drag he has to go back in and always a little unnerving to think about Roger being sedated yet again.  If he ends up feeling better and feeling like he can swallow better, then its worth a few unsettled moments.

Roger road the roller coaster of bad days and good days this week.  I am happy to report Roger actually has had a couple decent...almost downright good days. (and here I thought I'd never know another good day for Roger).  He even went down to the boat Tuesday and came back Wednesday.  Said he was able to get some projects done, ate a lot and actually slept alot.  It was thrilling to hear but personally a little bit of a bummer for me.  I so rarely see any good Roger days....that I hate not being with him when he is actually having a good day and feels decent.  His personality comes back.  He's chirpy and funny and teases and is just generally affectionate.  The bad days, he's lost in a world of pain and discomfort.  Anyway, its a good thing he feels better.  The other bummer for me lately is even if Roger is feeling better, I've been absolutely buried with work. So, when we've been home together, I've had to spend endless hours working on the computer, drafting marketing materials, working on presentations, and dealing with the dreaded email.  I don't know about you guys but I've about had it with email...its nonstop....breeds like bunnies.  You no sooner deal with one email when another TWELVE arrive in its place.  Holy hell!! Do you think its ridiculous for me to think we'll ever go back to fax machines? How about carrier pidgeons?

Roger is going to move the boat this weekend to the new slip up north from Louisville near Vevay/Madison Indiana.  Its a pretty little marina that will be 15-20 minutes closer to Indy.  The other benefit to the marina is that its close to Mom and Dad's river house in Vevay.  They said they would check on the boat throughout the winter when they go to the river house.  The trip this weekend - Sunday I think - should be wonderful though the weather may be a little funky.  I won't be able to join because I have a presentation on Monday and then another one out of town on Tuesday.  Its a total drag that our schedules won't coordinate.  I'd love to go.  The leaves will be beautiful... and more simply.... I hate to miss spending time with Roger on the boat, at the house, in the grocery, wherever.  Also, funny as it will sound I am a little melancholy that we are leaving our Louisville marina where we've spent the last 4-5 years (I think its been that long).  Oh well, new memories to come I'm sure.

Just wanted to give a quick update.  Unfornately....I've got to get a few more work things done. before I collapse in bed to reboot and start all over again tomorrow.    

Hoping you all have a wonderful weekend! hugs, a

A tough week

There have been endless tough weeks lately.  This past one was no exception.  The toll it took was more emotional than ever anticipated.  You constantly...well maybe not constantly...but a whole heck of a lot of the time hear about another person who has died from cancer.  A friend, a friend of a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor.  You get the picture. This week Ralph Steinman, 2011 Nobel Peace Prize Winner for Medicine (researcher for immune system and cancer) and Steve Jobs founder of Apple.  Ok, so we didn't know either man, didn't know their family, didn't even know any of their friends.  The closest we got to Steve Jobs was using his technology IPhone and IPod.  And yet, despite not knowing either person we were both moved to great moments of thought and deep emotion.  Roger's comment when Jobs' death was announced was "he had endless money and resources...and he couldn't beat cancer"...It all takes your breath away.  I countered with the fact that Jobs lived for many many years past the statistical initial prognosis.  And you can't give up trying, believing, fighting.  Having said that, it was nonetheless a very difficult week for both of us.

Roger continues to feel puny.  His intestines are now fully in picture.  Medicines don't seem to be able to prevent extreme diarrhea and intestinal issues.  So, our efforts to put weight on Roger are further hampered.  The guy just can't catch a break. Fortunately this is the extra "off" week for chemo so hopefully he will have a couple decent days this week. He will start his next treatment on the 19th.  This coming Friday Roger goes in for the outpatient endoscopic procedure to stretch his esophagus and scope his stomach.  More hospital time. 

We decided to come down to the boat for the weekend.  Both of us needed to get away.  The weather is beautiful.  Leaves are changing. Sun is out.  The intention was to take the boat out and "camp" on the water. Roger ended up working on a bunch of projects and I spent all of Saturday at the kitchen table working on a bunch of work projects.  We both closed it all down at 6:30 to watch the end of the sun set.  Simply gorgeous.  I think both of our blood pressure cut in half.  At one point, as we both were staring out at the river floating by, the sky a burnt golden color, Roger looked over and said "I'd love to do this everyday.  How much do you think we would change?  Would we change?  Would we miss the rat race?"  Left us both pondering. 

One evening this week, sensing I was stressed from work Roger took it upon himself to make dinner.  First time in a very long time. So it was a really welcome pleasant surprise.  I had set out ingredients for chili from the recent trip to the grocery (for those godforsaken frozen saturated-fat-soaked pork-fritter-things).  It all sounds good, right?  I walk in to see my darling hubby standing at the stove browning onions and ground beef.  I go change out of my work clothes and come back downstairs to add the spices.  As I am adding chili powder and stirring the mixture, I noticed little chunks of white something (potatoes) in the pan.  Hmmm.  There were carrots in there too.  Hmmm.  As I stirred the mixture, I quietly asked....what did you put in here?  He proudly responds "I put in ground beef, onions, a little bit of Italian sausage and that can of lentil stuff."  Hmmmm.  He added the can of lentil beef soup I had bought for lunch into the chili.  Not wanting to squash the very helpful, very sweet gesture.  I just keep stirring with a smirk on my face.  It then dawned on him that maybe the soup wasn't supposed to go into the pan.  Um, no.  No harm no foul.  We ended up getting extra protein in the process.  Gave us both a good laugh.  I'll probably stick to the cooking.

Anyway, sorry for the blah blah blah.  Lots of thoughts rattling around in our heads. Have a great weekend.  I'll try to post tomorrow but will most likely be later in the week.  much love, angie and roger

Tests tests

The intent was to post before today...sadly things didn't work out that way.  Life has been complicated.  No more so than everyone else's out there.  Just complicated.  Roger feels less bad than previous days.  Still not good...but less bad nonetheless. 

He had a couple tests today as part of determining if the doctor should do an endoscopic dialation...stretch his esophagus/stomach junction.  We thought the test would be a barium swallow....drinking two cups of nasty chalk like crap (his words).  He said they did a different test first, essentially drinking something like alka seltzer.  Two tablets of something fizzy in a small glass.  The radiologist and nurse both said repeatedly "now whatever you do....DON'T BURP.  DON'T BURP".  Hmmmmm.  So, Roger being the good patient dropped the tablet powder into his mouth (per their instructions) and quickly drank down water like drinking a shot.  He described it like an explosion of gas going down...and of course the immediate, urgent, impossible to surpress need to BURP.  Meanwhile the radiologist and nurse are both basically cheering "drink drink BUT DON'T BURP".  Punch line?  Yep, he burped.  There was no problem - just that the test couldn't be done.  The radiologist determined that when they took out the majority of Roger's esophagus they removed/damaged the nerves/muscle which cause the esophagus/stomach to move food downward.  So, if the muscle/nerves are damaged or not functioning....no way to also keep gas down.  Burps away.  Plan two was the barium swallow which worked well enough.  Not as well as the bubbly stuff, but an option nonetheless.

Test results:  looks like they are going to do the dialation next Friday.  At that time they will also scope Roger's stomach.  Doctor thinks there is a chance Roger might have stomach ulcers which could cause some of the pain and discomfort he has been feeling.  So, a little more hospital time for the Wethingtons next week. 

Roger seems to be eating more.  Of course, NOTHING good.  The latest craving?  ohdeargod.... thin, breaded, frozen pork-type tenderloin-fritter-kinda things that you...what do you do?  YES, you FRY them.  I had to search the frozen food section over and over before I found this lonely, sad box of processed pork "fritters".  gross gross gross.  Having said that, Roger did managed to eat two of the nasty things.  Then, followed them up with Doritos, and then followed those up with Little Debbie Nutty Peanut Butter Bars.  So, I will calmly turn myself over to the nutrition police when they come calling.  I cannot believe I actually supported this saturated fat fest!!!!!!  Alas, calories are calories at this stage. 

Hope your world is a little more nutricious. love, a & r