Ditto

I know its been some time since we've posted to the blog. My apologies. I know many of you check in on us via the Internet so as not to be intrusive. I have really wanted to post. The problem is the words wouldn't come (and I've been a little pooped). All I could think was "ditto"....much of what we've been experiencing has been discussed in earlier posts so again, all I could think was DITTO. Roger doesn't feel well...ditto. Roger had a good day.....ditto. Roger then had a bad day....ditto. Roger has no energy...ditto. Roger has a little more energy....ditto. Ditto ditto ditto to all of our previous posts. The past several days have felt like a big rerun of the movie "Groundhog Day" - repeating over and over and over. Unfortunately, I guess that's what the treatment of cancer is all about. Lots of wash rinse and repeat. We've been a little lost in the repetitiveness.

Though Roger hasn't had any chemo or radiation for over 3-4 weeks, he still feels a lot of the effects - exhaustion, discomfort, pain (though significantly less), lack of taste (STILL nothing or very little tastes good). He *is* eating and drinking fluids more normally though by no means is he back to his normal consumption of food. Certain things still hurt or don't taste good at all. The good news is that he is back on solid foods and no longer is reduced to fluids and eggs.

He hasn't verbalized it but the whole process has been very daunting and weighs on him emotionally as it would with any of us. We both thought that he would start to feel much better once the chemo/radiation stopped or at least shortly thereafter. The fact he doesn't feel back to normal or even close ~ that's probably the hardest part for both of us. Its hard to see this normally vibrant, very active guy sitting for days on end in his lazyboy chair with his head in hand dozing off or staring at the television for hours on end. It has been hard on him not being able to do things around the house. I have taken over most of the "boy chores" for the time being.

He is lighter by about 12-15 pounds and much more pale. You can definitely tell that he's not out in the daylight nearly as much as he was earlier this summer. (summer seems like a million years ago) So, this is actually where we are: this week Roger started going into the karting center for a few hours a couple days. He has been able to do small projects but needs to be mindful of how he's feeling. He gets tired and dizzy easily and needs to take periodic breaks. Still having said that...HE'S UP AN ABOUT!!!! All good things and very very good for his emotional well being. He's done some leaf blowing around the house and has started helping with the dishes again. Again all good things. The conversation has picked up again as some of you know first hand. His horrible off-color, politically incorrect jokes have started again. He's back to his "verbal" watching of TV -which makes me crazy when I'm trying to work - i.e. "hey did you see that? you gotta see this..... that's hilarious....can you believe they said that....etc." I've tried to explain the concept of watching TV "quietly". Much to my frustration it falls on deaf ears.

We did not end up dressing up for Halloween. Roger was not feeling up to it. So instead we had a quiet night. We had dinner with family and then lit up the pumpkins, bundled up in blankets in lawn chairs in the front yard, and then set in to wait for trick or treaters with our massive bowl of candy. Our neighbor hood was buzzing with kids and families. There was the constant sound of spooky music and sounds (someone tape recorded a chainsaw!) mixed with children's screams all night. I was soooo excited at the prospects of seeing all the costumes and kids and pets (I love Halloween...my gram and granddad were married on Halloween...TOO COOL!). The excitement started to fade with the passing hours as we got colder and colder and very very few kids (a total of maybe 10 kids total) graced our doorstep. As the night wore on and my enthusiasm faded, Roger noticed that ALL the houses on our street had the lights off... so NO tricker or treaters ventured our way. What a drag. Roger's guys at the karting center were the lucky recipients of our leftover candy. Halloween will have to be somewhere else next year and hopefully with costumes!

We don't have a date for the surgery yet. Dr. Birhiray wanted to wait for 4 weeks after Roger's last radiation treatment for Roger to have another endoscopic ultrasound and PET Scan (these were the original tests that determined the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes). Dr. B wants the tests done to see how the radiation and chemo worked on the tumors. The tests should be scheduled in the next week or two with the surgery shortly following that. We're not in a rush for the surgery - yet, at the same time we are in a rush for the surgery. Basically there are two main reasons: 1) lets get all this bad feeling, loss of exhaustion, life-on-hold stuff DONE and out of the way, and 2) from a practical PURELY PRACTICAL standpoint...we've met our insurance deductible and all of our out of pocket expenses for the year. So, having the surgery before the end of the year is HUGELY important to avoid having our deductible and out of pocket expenses reset to $0 at the start of the new year. We'll keep you posted on the dates.

We had a deja vu moment last night. While watching TV (unfortunately we're still doing a lot of that), there was a commercial that had something to do with a child suggesting to the adult that the adult try eating the food first and then maybe the kid would eat it. I turned to Roger and said, "gee that sounds like you and the Mary's Magic Potion medicine" His response: "what? I think its perfectly reasonable for you to have to take the same medicine you're trying to get me to take..then you could see how nasty it tastes yourself." .......my response......"WHAT????? We have NO 6 year olds in this house. I would expect to hear that from a 6 year old. " Even last night, he still thought it was reasonable to suggest that I take the medicine if he has to. I concede that I'm all about sharing everything with him....but I think "sharing" meds is over the top. Fortunately, he hasn't had to take any more of the MMPotion lately.

We've started walking again in the evenings. Usually just a couple blocks but its nice nonetheless. I'm hoping this little habit sticks with us.

Thanks to everyone - ChrisG, Jamie, Nancy, Lori - for all the soups and food that you have given us over the months. We've still been enjoying the luxury of pulling goodies out of the freezer and fridge. Thank you.

We're anxious to hear what's going on in everyone else's lives. We've had friends say, "well I didn't want to tell you about whats going on with me as it seems so trivial next to what you guys are going through." Pish Posh. We don't feel that way at all!!! Whatever you are going through - good- bad - and the ugly - all is important to us. And also, provides great distraction!

that's all for now. We'll try to write more as we have more info...or at least more interesting Roger-stories to share. I'm sure there will be more classic Roger moments. Plus, I'll get the camera back out and snaps some pics of Roger to post.

No idea of what's in store for the holidays - will keep you posted on that front. I'm still toying with having another impromptu pitch-in party at the house. I'll let you know if Roger seems up to it. Much love to all. a&r

(sorry for any incomplete thoughts, typos, etc. on our posts. I tend to just let the thoughts out without taking the time to go back and edit, proof read, etc.)